Well it looks like she *has* been looking for an apartment. She told me yesterday. I wish I could cry over it, but I've been hurt so much it feels like the pain is on the other side of a wall and I can just barely hear it knocking.

My WW says she wants a separation, not a divorce. She says she isn't interested in dating, -just wants to get away from everything because she feels shame, guilt and as though we are more like roomates now. She says she doesn't feel affectionate to me. Yet she also says it's not that I am not fulfilling her needs.

Fog, fog, fog.

She talks about buying a futon bed for this apartment so that when she comes back we can put it in our spare room. She also says that *if* she leaves (though at this point I think it's a given) she wants to set specific days where we get together to date and be with each other.

All of that sounds encouraging, but everything else seems so nutty. I forgave her, I told her we could work together and make everything better, and I have done all of that while being careful to not LB. Which isn't easy. ^_^
But she talks about leaving. She still insists that she has to get away from me for a while.

I feel like I've been sold out for... nothing.

I feel like "fog" is a nice way of saying "moron".

lopine,

You sound really down and of course that's to be expected after hearing your W wants to move out.

This separation doesn't sound like the end of your M, just a time to breathe and refocus. Not to sound horrible, but I think it's a good sign that your W is suffering guilt and shame. I think it shows that she really is sorry for what she has done to your M, to you and to herself. I don't think she'll ever forget this and is a good chance she'll never travel the infidelity road again. I think if my H showed some remorse I could heal and move forward with him and not dwell on his As.

My WH and I separated in the beginning of May and it's been pretty positive for the most part. We don't have the day-to-day stresses getting in the way of our healing (individually and jointly). When we get together (which is quite often at this point) we enjoy good quality time.

Are you in counseling individually or together? If not, maybe you could make it a stipulation when you do separate.

If your W doesn't recover from this individually then your M will suffer. Try to give her the space she needs and think of this in a positive light. Come up with some ground rules so you both know exactly what is to be expected.

I love my space away from my H and he enjoys his as well. This separation has given us breathing room and time apart to really clear our heads. I don't obsess over what he's doing and I feel so much more relaxed. My H is in counseling (when he remembers to go) and at some point I'll join him in some sessions.

I wish you the best as you both take the time to heal and recover!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lopine - Sorry to hear your WW is moving out. My WH moved out about 2 weeks ago. It has been very hard. Especially the Plan A when I only get a couple of hours of his time. However, I agree with Free2BMe. Maybe the time apart will be a good thing. I find that I am much better about not LB'ing when my WH's A isn't in my face anymore. I also have found much more time to work on me and become stronger.

My WH also said that he wanted to be alone to think things through and that we would date. If your WW is anything like my husband, don't expect too much the first couple of weeks. My WH still won't let me come to his apartment. I helped him move in but haven't been back since. He feels very uncomfortable right now spending time together. But I think he is starting to come around. We set some new ground rules and are taking it slow. No mammoth dates only a couple hours at a time.

I also agree on the counseling thing. Individual counseling for both of you would probably be helpful. My 2nd IC appt is tomorrow. My WH is still hesitant but says he is going to make an appt. I think that is the key to any hope at recovery.

Keep a positive attitude and remember your not alone.

Much thanks to you both!

My W does go to counseling on a regular basis and she has no intention of stopping. She is absolutely dedicated to the postitive work she is doing in her therapy. So that's a good thing.

I have been Plan-Aing and I believe my efforts are noticed because she is sad about leaving and made it plain that she is not doing this to end our marriage. She tells me that she loves me.

I do agree with Free2BMe that we should decide some ground rules for this separation. That's a very good idea because my WW has already discussed with me her desire to sit down and schedule time to be spent together. She wants to count on Tuesdays and Sundays, because those are her days off from her 12-14 hour work days. She also expressed her desire to spend the night sometimes, if it's okay with me.

I am not LBing, -but I am maintaining a slower pace with regard to some of these things.

And ajr, I wish I could help her move, but I just don't have it in my heart to do it. I may help her pack her car, but I think that's about it.
As far as the apartment itself goes, she has also expressed the desire that I should do the same (visiting her some of the time) so that the apartment doesn't become a world apart.

Overall I think that you both are absolutely right about the value of time apart. I've been worried that she would simply "forget about me" and never once considered that she might simply conquer her emotional problems and come back.
I guess I was thinking worse case scenario to prepair myself for more disappointment.

Again, thanks to you both. Before reading your replies I've been completely ignoring all of the positives she has been trying to give me while struggling with the road she will be taking to recover her feelings and self-esteem.

Possible good update:

WW moved out today. She was sad and always (it seemed) on the edge of tears. Meanwhile after having been Plan-Aing for over two months I honestly barely felt anything. To be honest I was glad to see her go. It made me feel free of living with someone who lied to me so much that I lost respect for her. Hopefully a more mature and honest person will return. *That* W is the one I want back.

On a side note she told me that she had actually asked her landlady what the penalty was for breaking her lease (to come back home). She hadn't even left yet and was already missing me!

I hope she gets better and I'll miss her in my own way, I suppose. But I must say this, it is because of following Plan-A that I feel this strong and good about myself! And I think that I can safely assume that she is this torn over leaving because surely she has noticed the effects of my working out (free weights). I have been doing this without her knowledge, so she just sees my shoulders and arms getting bigger over the last two weeks.

Plus, I whole heartedly believe that Plan-A coupled with no LBing is keeping me somewhat aloof of hurtful emotional subjects. And this is a seriously useful tool for avoiding arguments.

So now we'll see. She has already insisted that I visit her this Sunday to become familiar with the place. And she wants us to alternate spending the night over her place and ours.

Anyway, that's my update.