All,

I have been talking to Redhat for some time and my thread got long and OT so thought I'd like to get some views on this.

My FWW's A has been over for many, many months now. But her childhood abuse dominates every aspect of her life. She is making slow progress in recovery, at times she doesn't appear to make any recovery at all. She is in top $$$ therapy for the abuse. I have been doing good plan A for a good amount of time now.

However I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. She doesn't know if long term she wants me or the kids for that matter.

I struggle thru each day, am having trouble working, and my boss is noticing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> we are very financially burdened so time off is not an option.

Plan A & B talks about the ongoing A. But my question is is it right to goto Plan B if you see no hope in your WS recomitting to your M after the A is over?

I just don't know. Should I be setting a time for this because I feel like I am going to be seriously ill if I carry on this way. It will have been a year fairly soon (but not a year on MB).

Advice please?

Ben.

Well sadly I have gotten home today to find that my wife has left a note and moved out. She has gone upstate to her aunts with the kids. "To sort things out".

Ben.

Hello Running Man -- I am very curious as to how others respond to your questions about how long do you stay in plan A after the A has ended. My WH's A ended in late May/early June. He has not been able to recommit to the marriage because he says he is still not in love with me/doesn't know if he will be again. Very discouraging. He too has many other issues he is dealing with from childhood. I am trying very hard to stay in a good plan A, but it is difficult.

I am sorry to hear your wife has left. My WH moved out in late January to "sort things out" also. I have been able to do a reasonably good plan A while separated.

I hope somebody more sage comes and give you advice. I can only offer my empathy and thoughts of hope for you.

Ben,

I'm sorry to hear your W just up and left without mentioning this to you. That is just cold! I think you need to protect yourself emotionally from this woman draining you. You say your job and health is suffering so I think it may be time. Obviously her counseling isn't helping her and she appears to be self destructing or something.

Did she say how long she'll be gone? Take this time to refocus on yourself. Try to do some things that you've been putting off due to W's issues. Her issues are larger than life (I know, my H has serious childhood issues he refuses to deal with) and you can't "save" her. She has to want the healing for herself.

I wish you all the best ~ you don't deserve this!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

Thanks Free2BeMe,

We have spoken on the phone. She is at her Aunts with the boys. We have agreed that she will stay there until the weekend, adn then we shall see.

I am going to give her this time because I dont know what else to do. I am seeing my IC later tomorrow. My Boss has given me some leave and let me change my shifts to days so I can do stuff to try and resolve this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ben.

Running Man,
I have more-or-less the same situation. My wife ended her EA wants to move out to "sort things out" and that she isn't "in love with me" anymore. This separation has to be for six months minimum too, because that's the apartment lease duration.

It is sad for me. But I too have read RedHat's posts and I have been doing Plan-A with LITTLE or NO EXPECTATIONS of our marriage surviving.

The thing you have to try to remind yourself of, is that your WW will say things that are contrary to everything else she has said before. She will be cruel to make you angry so it will be easy for her to be away from you. Don't be goaded into an argument. When things get heated up, stop and say "I don't want to talk about this right now. It's upsetting you."

Remember that when a WS acts this way it is because they are not mature enough for a real loving relationship. We can hope that their "time away" combined by our Plan-Aing will show them what has value vs. what does not (like an affair).

At least she still loves the kids enough to take them with her.

Good luck and keep up your Plan-A.
I will too.

Ben,

You got a good advice already ... I will put my 2¢ on your specific question ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Plan A & B talks about the ongoing A. But my question is is it right to goto Plan B if you see no hope in your WS recomitting to your M after the A is over?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Focus of plan A is you ... with hope that you "fix" the part that you are responsible create situation for WW to have A.

Focus of plan B is you ... to protect your love left for WW and to bring you to aceptance stage.

Both main goal of plan A/B is not to get her back but to create an environment that is safe for both of you to rebuild M with the better one. So sometimes plan A alone is enough ... sometimes you need plan B ... sometimes none of the above. However MB bring you to acceptance and make you guilt free ... you know you have given your best shot.

ONLY YOU KNOW WHEN TO END/START PLAN A AND PLAN B ... we only offers our view. You need professional help for advice ... get it from MB. I have learned a lot from Steve.

-RH-

Ben,

Glad you talked with your W on the phone. It really sounds short term - too bad she didn't feel comfortable discussing this "get away" with you. I know she's mentioned it, but it doesn't sound like she let you know the time was now.

I'm the BS and there were many times I wanted to just run away for a few days to get my head together. Use this time for you too!! I'm happy to hear your boss has allowed some time for you.

Keep posting!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks all,

I have managed to switch my night shifts to day shifts so that I can get some proper daily routines going.

My WS appears very confused last night told me she has seen other man but ISN'T going to him, this is opposite of monday's call <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

At the moment she is talking about coming home on the weekend with the boys after "getting" her head straight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm just gonna try and ride it out and keep myself busy. My Doc has suggested going back on Zoloft for awhile but different dose to what i was on before.

I am really angry that OM is in contact I really that that was done since last thanksgiving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I suppose I will just wait and see what if anything happens at the weekend.

Ben.

Hi ben

glad to hear that your boss is being supportive and i am sure you will find your dr helpful too. They have a lot of experience with this stuff and i found my GP was brilliant and non-judgemental.

I kind of understand your wifes need to get her head together especially if the OM is still around because it causes too much confusion. I found that as soon as i really decided not to even talk to the Om that i felt much less confused. I think it seems that she is feeling very guilty and may be trying to cope with her own feelings of gulit and withdrawal and at the same time having a hard time trying to cope with the effect that the A has had on you. Especially given her history as well.

All the emotions get muddled up and you dont know who you are and who you have become and time is what she feels she needs. For me i kept thinking i could run away from it but ultimately given my own history of abuse i know that my H is the only one who makes me really feel safe. But at least when she runs she has somewhere safe to go i ended up sleeping on a park bench last time i had the urge to run.

It is hard for you Ben because of all the other issues that surround your situatin and the fact that both of you hav emotional needs. As long as you are safe and she is safe take the time to decide what you want and if you can commit to seeing it through. Many partners of abuse victims feel guilty when they have to change their tacts to protect themselves but you must do what you feel able to do and not get over stretched.Find people who can help. The mistake i made was not allowing my H to get support from others because i couldnt cope with his emotions and what i had caused him to feel. I wish now that i could have understood that he needed support too.

take care

Crip, I'm confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

How can running away from me actually be a help to her? It sure ain't a help to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ben

sorry Ben,

I just know that when i feel like running away i think that all my problems will go away. At the moment she is so self- absorbed in one way that she cannot think about how you feel and what is best for you and the family. I just wanted to run away from everything, the pain that i felt and the pain which i had caused.

When you have been abused you know what pain is and the one way i deal with it is to shut off from everything else. It is more difficult to do that when you feel that you have also now caused someone you love to be in pain. I thought 'well if i can do this terrible thing then may be i really dont love my H or else how could i hurt him so'

I am trying to think along the lines of i have amde a terrible mistake that caused suffering to my H and he is in pain. I tried to block off from the pain i caused by shutting down totally and becoming robotic or running away. This i am learning does not help because it is his support and love i need to get through this.

It is sooo hard for you right now because you dont know wether you are coming or going. Have you had any IC for yourself. Have you read any books on how abuse victims typically behave. Can you set yourself a time limit as to how long you think you can continue to support her before you feel that you need to find your own way. I dont know if i am saying the right things all i know is how i react and feel and how devastating it can be for my H. I often wonder why he wants to continue to be with me and i get afraid too that one day he might not be able to do it any more. Although having said that i know that he has been strong and supportive and that if he felt like that i would not blame him.

Running is a form of self protection. For me it can be running, cutting, drinking anything to numb my own pain. I am afraid that it is selfish behaviour but it is a survival technique too.

Thanks Crip for your reply. It helps understand what may be going on. I was hoping though that she would be further along than this by now. Guess I am trying to dictate her own recovery.

I have read several Abuse books and my W seems to have focused "Courage To Heal" with her IC. It seems to be the main one recommended. I am not really involved at all in her abuse recovery other than to listen when she (infrequently) opens up about it. Her father has called her many times this last week and I am wondering if that is something to do with this episode.

I am in IC and on Anti-D's that have just been changed. She doesn't ask about my IC though, it's like some I just do each week like racketball.

Ben.

Hi Ben

Im not sure i am being that helpful just i can maybe see some of her behaviours are like my own. I dont always understand them at the time because i am not always rational about them but coming in hewre and chatting helps me to see them more clearly for myself and understand a bit by talking to you were confusion arises between me and my H.

When i got down he would immediately panic and think understandably that i was still seeing the OM. It has taken a long time for him to see that like him with the A i have triggers too and they are rarely related to the affair. I especially would find it confusing to talk to my dad at this point and he rung a bit when he thought he may be exposed. I still dont know where i am going to go in terms of my relationship with my parents and that is hard as it is a real loss. My kids are too vulnerable to take to them amd i am trying to protect them. I htink as well that i wan my H to behave like a father to me and the fact that he has problems relating to the A makes him vulnerable and insecure too. So i think that he wants reassurance that i cannot always give him. and i want him to be super man and bury his feelings so he can just take care of me. So i also feel that i have failed in not being able to help him with his ENs over the past months which must be hard for him.

Remember to be kind to yourself and take time to rest up.Will you try to speak to her each day or are you going to leave her alone. I dont think it helps her to see the OM i know it wouldnt help me and it certainly wouldnt help my H. She may come to realise that the OM is not there for her 24/7 and that you are. I know thats what i need.

take care

Thanks Crip for your insight, I appreciate it must be hard to on pass.

My WS hasn't done much to meet my needs either, it's been an ongoing problem. I do not know if she is actually able to, just doesn't want to or can't.

I'm trying to get them met as best I can. Are you able now to meet your H's needs or is it still not the case? It will be almost a year for me in late August.

Ben.

Hi Ben,

In answer to your EN question. I htought when i came out of hospital that i was doing ok meeting my H ENs but obviously i wasnt. I was being honest about my feelings, coping well most of the time with the domestic stuff, getting involved in SF as much as i could cope with.

I found that he was neurotic about the A and that pushed me further and further away until i had to shut off my feelings to protect myself from the over whelming guilt i felt and also to try to work through some of my abuse issues. Also it was getting crazy trying to sort out the kids and their care without causing them problems. In the end we had a big bust up cos i completely lost all sense of how i felt about everything. I felt trapped in the marriage to an extent cos of the kids and not wanting to hurt my H any more. I numbed myself and tried to carry on. Not very sucessful but i had got to a point where i was trying to cope with him, me, the abuse, the affair , the kids , my parents eek. I honestly thought at times i would be better off dead.

Any way we backed off from each other a bit and at the moment we are just trying to enjoy being together and re-establish our friendship and relationship. Im not sure if i am meeting his EN i know what they are but i dont know if i am doing it i am just trying to move on day by day and see what happens.he most important thing is that the OM is out of the picture and so there are no distractions there and that i know my H loves me. I just dont know if i will ever be what he wants from me or if i can fulfil his needs.

see ya soon

actually Ben i had a thought which i could share with you but it is a bit private do you have e mail i could e mail you. if you want.

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 03:34 AM: Message edited by: The Running Man ]</small>

ok got it thanks.speak soon. keep safe.

you got mail. is your w coming home with the boys on saturday as planned. I think you really should find out what is going on with her contact with the OM. For your own peace of mind. But bear in mind with her history any thing could cause her to react like an adolescent at the moment. Or i should say that is my own experience anyway. I tend to go into age 13 mode. not very nice i can tell you. Has she been in hospital or on meds.