Hi all,

D day was 3 months ago when I found evidence that my H was having an A with a coworker. OW has since left the state with her family so the only contact they have is through email or phone. How do you try and rebuild your marriage after an A. The PA went on for over 1 year and I fear that an EA is still going on. How can you tell if it is over? H says there is no contact but I am having trouble believing. Lately he has been doing internet porn and going into sex chat rooms. I know this because I monitor internet usage on home computer. I am at my wits end but don't want to give up. Any advise out there for me?

elaine,

I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here! You have come to a great place for support, guidance and a place to vent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

It sounds as though the OW is younger than you and H (based on your comment she moved out-of-state with her family - I'm assuming her family is mom/dad etc but I guess could be husband and kids).

Are you in counseling by yourself or with H? Would your H agree to go if you aren't already? If you are, how are the sessions going?

How do you know they still have email/phone contact? It appears H is still lying if he says there's no contact.

Keep posting so we can understand a little more as to the depths of your situation. Have you read any of the books from this site or others?

Keep the faith!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Free2bme,

Thanks for responding. I have been married for 4 years this past April. I have 2 children from a pervious marriage, H has none. OW is younger, I am 38 she is 31. She is married with 2 children of her own. I suspect her H suspected an A and that is why they moved far away. I have though about counseling for myself but H thinks that I don't need it. He thinks that I should just put it away and move on since the A is over anyway. I have asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I have also asked him to go to the MB site but he is not interested in that either.

I don't know that there is not contact, that is what H says. I feel that there is still contact because of his attitude some days. I know there is no contact from my house. I don't know about when he is not home or at work.

The only book that I have read was called Betrayed. H didn't like the fact that I was reading it. Maybe he thinks I might smarten up. I try to keep the faith but sometimes it's hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi,

We seem to be the only ones around today, which does happen at times.

We are a blended family too - I have 2 boys (8 & 10 yo) and my H has 2 boys (13 & 15 yo) from previous marriages. My H used my boys as an excuse for chatting with women on-line. My boys didn't "blend" very well at first bc their dad said they didn't have to listen to him and he wasn't their stepfather. This made it very difficult and my H battled them and me with sarcasm and allowed his boys to gang up on my boys. Some days it was like the hatfields and mccoys in our house. The stress was so high and I felt I was always battling with a male (my ex, my current ex or my 2 boys). It's a mystery why I wasn't the one to have an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I never dealt with infidelity in my first marriage and I spoke with my H's exW and she said that as far as she knows, my H never cheated on her (yea I'm so special <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ).

Do you have an instant messanger? I chat with another lady from here who is our ages and it's nice to know we can have real time chats when we're having a bad day (or a good day for that matter).

I've read a lot of books from this site plus a few others (Torn Asunder). I didn't care if my H liked the fact that I read these books or not - they helped me tremendously. I used to post under a different name on here and my H knew it. He used some of the stuff I wrote against me when we would fight or he would get very defensive and upset about it. We were talking separation 9 months into our marriage so I switched to this name so he wouldn't be able to "keep tabs". I have never told him I switched, but if he comes here to read he could figure it out I'm sure. I don't think he cares enough though.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I feel like i am in a similar situation, my husband had an affair with a co-worker while away for 5 months training, crazy thing is, he admitted his feelings for her and the slept with her on his last 10 day trip. For 2 months he lied to me, he wanted to work on our marriage, although we were dealing with a lot (i thought just dealing with the fact that he had feelings for her enough), i did have a very bad feeling that somehting more happened but we were really working on making things work-there was different kind of passion in our relationship. Then one day he gave me his e-mail password (we work for hte same company), and i knew i needed to go into it-WHAM, there i found the e-mail that told me it all-dated a few weeks prior but devastating none the less. He said things like " I know you are the one for" " you make life bearable", he even talked about taking our son to the province where she lived. I flipped, I came home and lost it-just shy of beating the crap out of him, but at the very end, i knew i wanted to try and forgive. From that moment, i had this strong pull to him and we have been working on rebuilding-so what's the problem? i can't forget, i constantly picture him touching her, and loving her, what was he thinking all that time he was lying to me, was she the best he ever had....it goes on and on...but in my heart he is the one for me, and we have an incredible relationship in a lot of ways. His problem too is he is not very perceptive about feelings so when i try to understand all he can say is he liked how she made him feel, but he doesn;'t have a lot else to add, he can't really remember how he felt...I take some responsibility for him developing feelings (nothing more than that), because i was going through a rough time and became a hard person to deal with. I blame him totally for going the extra step though but I can understand how he could develop feelings for someone else. My other problem is, i sometimes am scared something emotional is still going on(I don't know how to check internet usage), although he swears he has not spoken to her since we started working things out, i am suddenly very vulnerable...something i never was in our 13 year relationship. I am starting counselling again, although my husband wants us to get into it together i am at the point of just thinking of myself, i need to heal myself and hope for the best for us.

I guess my advice for you is 1) if your husband is not willing to look at working through this then you have to make a decision for yourself (worry about you healing and if the marriage heals with it then so be it). 2) if your husband is still carrying on some things over the internet then obviously there are bigger issues then his one affair. I am not familiar with a lot of Chat rooms(the how to's etc) but would be very interested in speaking to you as you seem to be sort of in the same place as me-with some differences, i will look for another post from you.

Take care

Hi Zachsmom,

Thanks for the advice. I feel like my life is one big mess right now and I don't know how to put it back together. I agree that H has other problems besides his A. I think this internet porn that he is into lately indicates this. I don't really know how to approach the subject with him but it is really bothering me. Just last Friday he must have done it before we came home because my 12yr old daughter turned on the computer to go on the internet and a bunch of porn sites popped up on the screen. I felt so sorry for her because she was trying to stop it but it wouldn't go away. She had to call me for help because she was so flustered. I called H over to the computer to show him what my daughter saw and told him this was unacceptable and it better not happen again. I imagine that he didn't clean up the machine when he was done using it earlier. What a jerk, it seems like everyday I lose a little more respect for him. I guess that marriage isn't what I thought it would be. If this doesn't work I don't think that I would ever do it again.

I too got a hold of my husbands private email account and password plus I found out OW account and password too. I could not believe the stuff that I read. They were involved for over 1 year. He said in his emails that he loved her and wanted to marry her, she was the one for him. Since she moved to another state, his emails indicated that he was going to move to her state to be with her. When I asked him about this he just said that he was saying the things that she wanted to hear and it was lies. I find that hard to believe. Not only do I have to learn to live with the fact that he had a A but after I invest more time into trying to save our M he may just pack up and leave anyway. It is very hard to learn to trust again. I believe that trust needs to be earned, he thinks it is a given.

Your situation seems difficult at best. Did you say that you work with your H? Do you work with OW too? I think that it is great that you want to forgive your H and move forward. I hope that someday I will be in a place where I can forgive mine but it seems so far away.

Take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />