Briefly, married 18 1/2 years with three children. H With sex/pornography addiction I believe, and DDay for that 9/2000. Went to counseling individually and joint and felt things were repaired, but they weren't. Been noticing strange, distant behavior since 6/02 or so. I know he continued with his secret activities, changing from our family computer for personal ads, webchats and email to his work computer because I installed Spectorsoft back in 9/2000. He was aware at that time and counselor told me to keep it on, so I did. Sure enough, there it was. Many confrontations since and he continues. He complains that I am a detective and he can't have any privacy, pardon me. He feels I am controlling. Noticed DRASTIC behavior change 7/21 when he said he wasn't in love anymore, not sure of any feelings, very distant and emotionally detached from me, kids and life in general. This is NOT the man I married. I feel he is in a deep depression and is obviously self-destructing with his risky behaviors and has started on an A/D, Celexa. We spent a week on different floors of our home, he would not speak. I was afraid of his affect and demeanor. On 7/28, he admitted to a 4 week affair and that they have stong feelings for each other and he is leaving. Said he and she decided to cool things and just be friends while he was still married. Says this is the first PA, and I don't think I believe it. He moved out and I phoned her to let her know and she told him she was frightened by my call and doesn't want a thing to do with him. From the massive reading I am doing on this site, I surmise he is in withdrawl and a HUGE fog, although he now has lots of free time in his new apartment to be on the computer and with anyone he chooses. He says he needs to be alone. He agrees with sex addiction diagnosis, and he "must fight his demons alone". He started IC and has been to three sessions. I don't ask, and he doesn't tell. He remains depressed, detached and downright mean! I have filed for spearate maintenance and he will receive papers this week from the court. I have held true to my decision to NOT phone him about anything except the kids. My question-how do I cope for these next few weeks and months while he is in withdrawl, even he even is and how do I begin Plan A? He is not currently interested in any discussion of recovery or reconciliation and selfishly says he is working on himself and to not bother him. Do I tell him about this site, send his articles from this site, what do I do? I began IC today and spent the 50 minutes crying. What can I expect?

Mich wife -- Well, I am certainly not the most seasoned poster but have been through quite a bit with my husband (including a full blown 18-20 month PA and internet pornography).

First, read as much as you can. It helped me tremendously right after I first found out. I particularly liked Surviving an Affair by Harley, After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring, and Private Lies by Pittman. And, I read everything I could on this web site -- both forums and articles by Harley.

Like you, I was distraught and disoriented and thought my life had hit rock bottom the week after d-day going in to the doctor to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (the OW was young and had several partners). I cried throughout the exam and my doctor sent me immediately to a therapist who helped calm me down.

The best thing you can do is try and step back from the immediate situation and not let the cruelty and the anger from your WH get to you. I know -- easier said than done. I think you will find reading on this forum that these wayward spouse's all say the same damn thing -- love you, but not in love with you, OW is my soulmate, etc. etc.

The most sage piece of wisdom anyone on this site gave me was to look at myself and look at how/what had gotten my marriage to the point where my WH could be interested in an affair. The internet pornography is a whole other thing, but I don't know enough to tell you whether your H's is a sexual addiction or what. In my WH's case, he sought out internet porno as a prelude to persuing an A -- he has some self esteem problems and whenever he felt low or unappreciated, he sought out a fantasy life.

So sorry you are here, but there are many that will be here for you.

Thanks for the info and encouragement. I read your signature and has he been gone since January? How ever have you gotten through this? It has only been 9 days for me and I feel ready to explode! Yes, I have been soul searching and reading on the emotional needs article, I can see both he and lacking in many areas. I knew his activities were continuing and I lacked the fortitude to bring it into the open once again (We have had so many of these confrontations, I'm sorry and still continues) that I was afraid of his reaction because he puts the blame back on me "I can't have any privacy. I feel like you are my checker, my mother." So naturally many EN left unmet by both of us and I didn't know how to fix it. When he met OW several weeks ago on a two week trip, he says they bonded immediately and felt as though they could confide anything to each other. He obviously was getting what he desperately couldn't get from me and for this I feel awful. But he has to shoulder most of the blame. While I had these sick feelings inside, he also had them and did not come to me. Funny thing, his brother did this 2 years ago to his wife of 11 years and married the OW from the Internet and they are still together today, but who knows for how long??
I am saddened when he tells me he feels no attraction to me; I imagine some WH never do come out of the fog. Is this so? Thanks for listening.

mich-wife,

First of all.....Plan A is for YOU.

It is for you to work on you and make changes within and for yourself. It's not for your WH.

Actually....plan A is easier to do with your WH out of the house....as if anything is....but it is.....you don't have it all right there in your face everday which makes it easier for you to concentrate on yourself.

It's very normal for the WS to put ALL of the blame on the BS.....that way they feel better about themselves.

My FWH said the most terrible things to my face...and said terrible things about me to our daughters...........you aren't worth staying for.....I hate you....you make me sick....can't stand to be in the same room with you. He told our daughters that he couldn't live with someone he hated....they were 10, 4 and 3 at the time.

You are making the right decision in not contacting him with anything other than something having to do with you children.

Actually......it sounds more like you are in Plan B without trying.......but still need Plan A for yourself.

Take this time to work on you and conentrate on yourself and your children....it's much eaiser to do while your WH isn't there.