Hi. I have been lurking for a while, reading and being amazed at how similar my story is to so many of the ones posted. Briefly, we've been married almost 30 yrs (I'm the BS). We had some problems, and I asked H to go to counseling. He wouldn't. H got involved in youth organization, became "friends" with OW. I suspected that there was more, and asked him several times to be honest with me about his relationship. We separated in Oct (his choice) we still spent time together "working" on our marriage. Finally, on NY eve, I caught them together. H filed for D in Jan, but no further action. I have been plan a'ing since then ( although I didn't know that's what I was doing! )Two weeks ago I found a new, nicer apt. He asked me to move back in with him. I asked if he was still seeing OW.. he said yes. I told him that it was too painful for me to live with him under those circumstances, but as soon as he assured me that there was NC, and we made arrangements for oounseling, I would happily move back. I told him that I knew that I had not met his emotional needs, and that I was working on those issues. He refused. Since then, we have seen each other almost every day, and talked on the phone. He usually calls me. He still sees OW, and thinks it's ok because he tells me and because I won't move back in.

I'm ready to tell him that I cannot continue this way. If he can't/won't give her up, I cannot see/talk to him anymore for my own self esteem and safety. I am beginning to really resent that he wants to have both of us, me for stability, and her for... well, whatever! We have two kids who are both out of the house, so I could make arrangements to handle the few things we MUST have contact about.

Of course, I am afraid that doing this will push him too far and he will continue with the divorce.

I need some advice!

Considering you've been "in contact" with him since January, and we're in August and he still has a R with the OW, anything short of Plan B would be detrimental to you.

The fact that he calls you, sees you, wants you to move in with him show that he NEEDS you, you are fulfilling some of his ENs.

Therefore, it is probably low-risk to go to Plan B from the standpoint of "losing" him. You don't HAVE him, and allowing him to have both of you will only leave him on the fence longer. If you go to plan B, he will have to make a choice; you or her. If it is you, wonderful, you have chance to rebuild your M, but with respect and dignity, not with another woman involved. And if he chooses her...well, you don't have him now, and you will never "have" him if you're willing to "share" him.

Be strong, make yourself be respected; you deserve it!

I know you're right. It's just hard to do. I am working on my letter.. telling him that I love him, but that I want to work on our M, which we can't do if there is a third person involved. I have asked him to go with me to MC, but he is a teacher, and school has started, so his excuse is that he doesn't have time. I have been seeing an IC, who is pretty cool.. he keeps asking me... "what would happen if.. I didn't call him, I didn't agree to have dinner with him, etc.".

I am pretty proud of myself. There are all kinds of things that H did for all the years we've been married... you know, GUY things, like getting the oil changed, rotating the tires on the car, etc. I got a new car (post June 01 great flood) and have taken care of it myself. It's a small thing, but pretty important to me. So I know that I CAN live without him.. just don't want to!

Thanks for your encouragement.

almost50:
I know where you are coming from. I am now in Plan B for the second time! I just had to be ready to do it the first time, but I was overeager and let WH come back without all the terms deliniated. Then I had to deal with continued contact and lying again. I think you have to feel that you have done everything you can and that it isn't making a dent. After you have exhausted yourself Plan A'ing and can no longer protect your self esteem, then it is time to Plan B. It is true--you don't have him now. I know it is time to truly let go of my H until he takes responsibility for the wrongness of his actions, no contact and really works on the M. Otherwise, it will never work and I am letting myself get stepped on over and over and feel smaller and smaller. There will be much more pain on the way if we keep hanging in with no change evident. But you must be ready because it will be very hard to stand firm. I made it a week without talking to H and that was hard because we have a one year old. I spoke with him briefly tonight, but promise myself no more. We did not speak about any relationship issues. I know I will feel stronger and more respect for myself every day. This is not giving up, it is just ratcheting things up a notch and giving him a dose of what it would be like if he continues toward D. If really knew that was what he wanted, he would have gone forward by now. Keep posting.

Hang in there almost 50. Did you decide to write a letter or move into plan B ? You're in my thoughts and prayers. I think taking care of your car and your home is a great step. Take care. Debra Kay

Things have been going so well lately that I was holding off on the whole Plan B thing. On Saturday I was out of town, had a great meeting, and called H from the airport to see about attending a party with him that we had both been invited to. He hemmed and hawed... " I didn't think you'd be home in time... you said you weren't going to the party... well, if you really WANT to come" Finally I asked him if he didn't want me to come, and he said "well, just so you know, OW asked me for a ride to and from the party since her son needs the car". I asked him to tell her he couldn't give her a ride, and he said (this is such a great line) "I can't go back on my word.. I told her I would take her".

So, yesterday H came over and I told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't stand the hurt and pain I felt every time he was with OW. He said that they were just friends, and that I have male friends. I explained that my male friends are firmly attached to wives, and that H had never walked in on me with any of them naked in the bedroom!!! As I have with H and his "friend". I told him that I couldn't continue this way, that until he ended his relationship at ANY level with OW, I couldn't see him. That I wasn't trying to give him any ultimatums, or tell him what to do, I was only letting him know where I am right now.

He said he had to think about it.. that OW was a really good friend and had supported him when he was down. I said that he should take all the time he needs, that I wasn't going anywhere at the moment, but that whatever decision he makes needs to be final.. no more waffling. This has been going on way too long!

I'm sure that was very hard to do. I know you will miss the daily contact, but I'm sure you did the right thing. I hope it is a very short time that it will take for him to realize what he could be losing. You're in my thoughts. Debra