Hi,

I'm really feeling dejected, which seems to be the story of my life lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H leaves Sunday for 3 weeks out west on business. I've been stressed knowing that the state he's going to is close to where his latest "friend" lives. He swears he hasn't talked with her since I emailed her and he says he won't be seeing her.

Anyway, we really won't be seeing each other too much before he leaves. He gets his sons tomorrow night and his 12 yo really would rather I not be around when he and his older brother are with their dad. So I'm not thrilled to see him either at this point.

So H planned on coming over tonight after having dinner with his Mom. So he comes over about an hour ago and says he's meeting a guy from work out at a bar. Says they're having a going away party for another guy who works in their organization. I immediately feel my blood start to boil as this guy used to be OWs bf after her and my H ended. He swears she won't be there.

He mentions that I seem mad and I told him that we don't have much time together and he chose to go out. Of course he says he won't go. If he wanted to be here with me in the first place he would have told his coworker he wouldn't make it. I tell him to just go - I didn't want to be second choice. This is just the icing on the cake since he "forgot" counseling last week and hasn't rescheduled.

So he's gone! He has plans with his brother and sons tomorrow night and he works all day Saturday. I'm sure he'll want to spend time with his sons Saturday evening since he won't be seeing them. He'll want to come to my house after so he can have sex then have me drop him off at the airport at 6 AM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I will always be 2nd choice to him! I'm partially glad he'll be gone - 3 weeks is a good amount of time to start healing for myself.

I know it was a huge LB and I could care less! He has LBd me up and down with his infidelities and it doesn't seem to bother him so why should it bother me?!?!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks for letting me vent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Free,

You have a choice ... if you choose this path then you have to accept the consequences. You might have to play OW ...

Hang in there -RH-

What do you mean, RH???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>What do you mean, RH???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have a choice to go to plan B and protect yourself otherwise you will be in the 'coaster for the long haul. In the plan A ... don't take thing personally ... and don't expect anything ... otherwise you will get hurt and LB$ will be down so fast. If there is continues contact ... you have to play "OW" to your H. Play dumb to what you know about the A.

-RH-

Oh right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Duh!

H stopped by tonight and we're back to being so strained. I don't want to be the one to initiate relationship talks or be the one to constantly bring us down.

I'm really torn still! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I need to understand why I can't move on and let go... with or without H. I'm thinking my reluctance to let go of H comes from my not wanting him to be with anyone else (I know, I know... what's the differance).

I want to move to Plan B... it's the only effective plan... for my own well being... yet I can't do it. I don't have enough going on in my life to keep me active.

I was reading the article that Nancy Drew linked in a thread on the recovery board and this article (from Psychology Today) says recovery isn't as likely if the lying is more characteristic in the WS as opposed to a WS who says they hated the lying and it was against who they really are. My H's mother and grandmother have told me he can't tell the truth.

I'm just rambling... again... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

RH, you make too much sense! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thanks for stopping by. I hope things are going well for you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Why not start some things going in your life? You should see the things Forgiver and Seahorse are doing. Two years feeling this way is way too long. Besides, now that he's in counselling, your being independent and having something you are passionate about in your life might make you more attractive to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>...I hope things are going well for you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for asking ...today is my last night @ Lincoln, Nebraska for my 2 D competitions. They didn't place but, they enjoy this trip and I could see the spark of challenge for next year. My WW is somewhere out of town w/ OM ... I will found out when I gather my snooping data. Today I get my house ... my realtor picked up the key of the house and I will get it tommorow night when I am back to CA ... I have a house ... a new begining for me and my 2 D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Free, what has help me to move on is that I refuse to be hurt again. I refuse to hear her sh!ts (verbal abuse) ... I refuse to have contact w/ her (she starts it w/ plan B'ng me and that makes it easier to push it on). I focus on what I could do w/o her ... I see my future and I could not wait to move on w/o her.

It is normal for BS to get "possesive" w/ WS. Again you have to focus on you. Never mind WS and find your own happiness.

-RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Why not start some things going in your life? You should see the things Forgiver and Seahorse are doing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for responding, relate!

I always start to get into new things and then when H starts to show interest in me I give everything up. I'm not a self motivator to begin with so it's hard for me to get up and going.

Where do I find Seahorse and Forgiver? What are they doing? My curiousity is getting the best of me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'll let you know what I find to occupy myself - I have 3 weeks without him so something should come of it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Free,

Seahorse and Forgiver

-RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
Thanks for asking ...today is my last night @ Lincoln, Nebraska for my 2 D competitions. They didn't place but, they enjoy this trip and I could see the spark of challenge for next year. My WW is somewhere out of town w/ OM ... I will found out when I gather my snooping data. Today I get my house ... my realtor picked up the key of the house and I will get it tommorow night when I am back to CA ... I have a house ... a new begining for me and my 2 D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, sounds like life is good for you and Ds! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm happy for you. Congratulations on the house - that's huge!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Free, what has help me to move on is that I refuse to be hurt again. I refuse to hear her sh!ts (verbal abuse) ... I refuse to have contact w/ her (she starts it w/ plan B'ng me and that makes it easier to push it on). I focus on what I could do w/o her ... I see my future and I could not wait to move on w/o her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm hoping these next 3 weeks are good for me and will give me the time to clear my thoughts.

We were looking at old pictures last night and although we've only been together 5 years it feels like we've been together for a lifetime. We've watched each others boys grow up physically and emotionally. It breaks my heart that we're so messed up and can't enjoy the few years before the boys move out and on with their lives.

~ sigh ~

I dreamed last night that I won the lottery of 1 million dollars and then another dream that H told me he was seeing someone else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Okay - Saturday rambling!

Thanks for the guidance!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, H told me today that he was picking up his boys and they were spending the night with him before his trip. I asked about him getting to the airport and he said he would drive himself and park in the long-term garage. I'm still reeling from his night out with coworkers and OW and now we won't have any time together before his 3-week trip.

He did stop by just now for about 20-30 minutes on his way home from my IL's. He had his boys with him and the oldest sat on the couch with us talking to his dad about the game on TV. I wasn't really even there with them. He was oblivious to any tension between us surrounding the other night.

So I went in the kitchen hoping he would follow and he did. I told him I didn't want to get into a deep conversation, but I wanted him to know that I was still upset about his night with OW. I told him it told me a lot about "us". We started to argue (which was NOT my intention) so he walked away and told his boys it was time to leave. We hugged and I told him to travel safe and then they were gone. No I love yous or kisses.

He called when he got home and asked me to stop by and pick up a check to pay the loan and he said he'd talk to me tomorrow and good night. Again, no I love you!

When we were in the kitchen he said he would talk whenever I wanted to and I said I was done being the one to bring up big talks.

It didn't go the way I wanted it to. I wanted him to know I'm hurting without being an argument, but that's exactly where it went. ~ sigh ~

Okay - I just called and apologized for it coming out wrong and that it wasn't my intention. His boys were fighting in the background so I just said my piece and let him go.

GOD, I HATE MY LIFE!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong> ...Okay - I just called and apologized for it coming out wrong and that it wasn't my intention. His boys were fighting in the background so I just said my piece and let him go.

GOD, I HATE MY LIFE!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Free,
Life as BS is suck .. but you don't need to apologize for LB'ed ... Have you ever thought about that H knew very well what the "talk" is going to be and will never leave room for you not to LB'ed ?. If that is the case you should just write down what you want to say to him ... I call it plan A letter and give it to him.

Happiness start from within and it is a choice ... what do you think about Seahorse & Forgiver ? -RH-

Hi, RH,

I just hate that my H walks around thinking life is such a bed of roses. I eat, slepp and breathe his betrayels and question so much, yet he comes in here last night thinking everything is great. I just couldn't let him leave without letting him know I'm upset. It hurt me that he didn't want me to bring him to the airport this morning.

I made a list of things I want to work on during the next 3 weeks. Some are typical "get organized" stuff, but I also put on the list to start taking piano lessons. I've always wanted to learn and I want to take that step.

I read the links for Seagorse and Forgiver. I was touched by their strength and their energy to keep moving on. Their situations are different in that their WHs left and didn't contact them. I wish my H had the ba$$s to just leave and tell me it's over instead of stringing me on year after year.

Today is a new day! I left a "travel safe" on his cell phone VM at the time he should have been headed to the airport - so far no return call (an hour ago). I know the first thing I'll do when I stop at his apartment to pick up the loan payment is check to see if his car is there (to see if perhaps someone else brought him to the airport).

Thanks for your diligence in replying! How's the house?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Besides, now that he's in counselling,</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relate, he has only been to one counseling appointment in the last 3 months. He's either rescheduled them or "forgot" to go.

Thanks anyway!

I spoke to my BIL this morning to see if H has said anything to him. He said H hasn't said anything since we first separated and BIL thought (by our actions when with the family) that things were going great. And they have been, but since he "forgot" to go to counseling then decided to spend time with coworkers (OW) instead of with me before he left I've been a basket case.

Anyway, BIL said my H requires his space and that I should sit back while H is gone and not pursue him so actively. BIL said H won't return his calls for a view days and once he back off H will call for the next 6 days in a row. I know my H enjoys the pursuer/distancer game, but my H hasn't pursued me in years - he's been the perpetual distancer.

SO I'll take BIL's advise and I won't be the one to call H. H did just call when he got to Chicago and he said he'd call when he got to his final destination with the hotel information.

My BIL says my H is still hung up on his childhood and he needs to come to terms with that. My H has used that excuse for our problems since we started dating. This is why he was initially starting counseling 2 months ago (to finally deal with that before we could deal with us).

When H called I was near tears, but kept myself "peppy". H doesn't say anything about the strain with us and it's really killing me. I know he needs to focus on this course he'll be starting tomorrow so I will distance myself and let him focus on that.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know of some women who agree to an 'open' marriage and turn a blind eye to their husband's philandering because they love their men so much, even if it hurts them. You may have to settle for this to keep him in your life, and find some other outlet such as piano lessons and other activities to keep life full when he is not there. You might start meeting people and make friends when you start these activities and ... who knows... might fall for someone one day. Your husband (may I call him Phil short for Philanderer?) may settle down after some years. He might even change his attitude towards you if you find some activities and other friends.

relate,

It may appear I'm turning a blind eye towards my H's infidelities (and you may not call him phil), but I don't believe in that kind of open marriage - open meaning HONEST, but not open sexually.

I know you are trying to mean well, but I know you aren't married and have no idea what it means. What you are suggesting is not what this site is about!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

If you are following what this site is about, you should be in plan B now and sticking to it. From his history you may have no choice but to do this if you want to keep him in your life and make it tolerable for yourself. It may give you the best chance of attracting him back. Have you seen the divorce busters site?

I was married, very conservatively, for 3.5 years. No affairs involved on either side. He wanted to have children and I wanted to do my Phd. We grew apart and split.

p.s: I don't mean that you should stray sexually when I say meet friends.

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

relate,

First you suggest I ignore my H's infidelities and now you suggest Plan B. Which is it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may have to settle for this to keep him in your life, and find some other outlet such as piano lessons and other activities to keep life full when he is not there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are following what this site is about, you should be in plan B now and sticking to it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I took strong offense to your first suggestion!

I do agree with your 2nd suggestion, but easier said than done at times. I'm hoping this next 3 weeks will be good for me.

I feel a bit stronger since talking to BIL. My H likes the game (and I hate games) of pursuer/ distancer. It's an exhausting game and one I'd rather not play. My H has called me 3 times since he left this morning and I have been busy each time he's called, which seems to work to my advantage. The calls are quick but I'm able to keep positive and jovial.

relate, I could be wrong here, but I've read your replies since coming to this site and I sense a lot of sarcasm! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 11, 2002, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

There's no sarcasm. Would you rather I did not write in your thread? I'll stop if you say so.

According to the MB guidelines it is time for you to go into Plan B. Otherwise, given his history, you may have to protect yourself from the hurt by not seeking info about the infidelities and allowing it to consume the days. Instead fill your time people and with activities of your own.

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>