I'm goint to try and make this short. My story is in Just Found Out but I need some help. We've been married 16 years and have a 9 yr old daughter. Hubby started having an affair and left the house to live with his mom. He was out the house for 85 days during which time I was doing Plan A. Had phone contact with him almost daily and there have been 3 or 4 times of him expressing a desire to return home. Last Saturday he called and said he wanted to come home that he ended the A. Well he started going through withdrawal and by Thursday, 5 days later he slept out the house and was with her. By Saturday I told him that if he didn't want to be home he was welcome to leave but I let him know of how much pain he has caused me and his daughter. He has read most of the Surving An Affair book, has listened to the audio cassettes of His Needs/Her Needs so he is showing an interest in fixing our marriage but he can't kick this OW habit. At this point, since he left us again on Sunday, I'm thinking that maybe it's time for Plan B. This hurts greatly because I'm afraid that out of sight out of mind will push him further from me but I don't know what to do. He and the OW constantly fight and I'm meeting his EN of love, caring, compassion an his spiritual needs while she is meeting others. He said he's willing to look at the MB stuff on EN and LBs and to talk to a counselor but he is not home and I know he will continue to see her. Do I plan B or keep up with Plan A??? Help please.

Hi,

I'm no expert on this and only you really know for sure what's best.

I do think that with the A active, Plan B would be recommended. This can only be tearing you apart. If you've done a good Plan A then now is the time to make your move. Have you thought about a Plan B letter? There are samples here and also in the book. He is showing signs towards working on the marriage, but is bogged down with the withdrawels. I've never dealt with that and I can't imagine it's fun to watch.

I think you need to protect the love that you have for him and work on healing yourself. Are you in counseling? How's your daughter handling this?

I wish you all the best!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, I'm not in counseling yet but I'm going to start. I have my good days and my bad days. My daughter is devastated and very disappointed at her father. She feels he has let her down and doesn't think she can truly trust him anymore. I only thank God that she has such a strong faith in God which is what has been giving her strength. I changed the locks on the doors yesterday which I'm sure will truly upset him when he comes over but I just feel like I have to take a stand.

I feel for you having been in a similar spot my self. In my case H didnt want to truly END the A completely- he would make attempts at it then OW would throw on the emotional fireworks and try to convince him that his marriage was hopeless and that he should divorce me. Honestly it was like aliens had taken over my H's mind he was so brainwashed at that point. In 15 yrs of marriage he had never asked for a D yet he was mentioning it all the time after I found out about the affair. My H's affair was so involved that it became an emotional addiction to him just like others use alcohol or drugs. He said he 'wanted to stop' but then would lapse right back into it. I went to plan B and asked him to move out and of course he moved right into OW's condo- ( she had put it up for sale after taking a job transfer to force him to choose between us). Every time I asked him about our marriage he would repeat what OW told him - that it was 'hopeless' and 'divorce wouldnt harm our 3 kids.'I finally had to end all relationship talk with him and got myself into counseling and lots of Bible studies for emotional support. One thing I learned from all this is that God DOES listen. I spent alot of time reading 'Power of a Praying Wife' and "Loving Him without Losing You' by Patricia Evans.When things finally got so bleak that I was in total despair THAT was when God stepped in! take care- lifeismessy

By the way I wanted to add that it took ALOT for my H to end his addiction to OW. After he had moved out into her place for 6 wks he then moved back home saying he wanted to reconcile. But that was short-lived- he slept on the couch and was in secret contact by phone with OW even after she had moved to another state. They were planning secret little 'reunions!" I asked H to move out of the house again as I couldnt bear to be around him when he was so cold to me. He refused to move out because he found out it could affect his getting custody of our kids.H's plans were to stay on the couch thru our entire divorce process.I am against divorce as I believe God doesnt want it for us. However I had to find an attorney as H kept saying he was going to file on me. I finally found a great lawyer thru a referral from someone at church and this lawyer told me that with some paperwork he could have H off the couch within a few wks. I finally told H he needed to find an apt. as I planned to take legal action to get him off the couch. Then I mentioned that he should be more concerned about his 'permanent home.' and went upstairs and prayed for a few hrs. It took a tough stand with him to get him to wake up to the reality of what he was putting us thru. lifeismessy

Thanks for the info. life is messy. Boy this truly is so hard. I've basically been keeping away, not calling him or looking for him at all. On Tuesday we have Aikido classes but I didn't attend instead I gave his daughter a letter to give him about his maxing out our credit card and his needing to pay off the over the limit amount. He then said to me that he was reading the anniversary card I gave him (our anniversary was in Feb). Tuesday night when he spoke to my daughter he told her to tell me he still loves me but I'm not responding. I'm staying away and trying to move on with my life. This is the hardest thing to do. I have a Plan B letter written but I'm waiting till I feel led by the Lord to give it to him. I've noticed that in most cases the people in MB whose marriage has been saved have been Christians - God truly is awesome. I'll keep you posted.