I am fairly new to this forum and web site and I wish I had found it sooner as it has already helped me in dealing with this horrible time in my life. My DDay was 3 months ago tomorrow and my WS (wife) moved out the Saturday b4 Memorial Day. I beleive that I have been implementing Plan A very well (with a few minor setbacks early because I didn't really know how to do Plan A until I found this website). She tells me that the A is over, but OM is a coworker so I know that they are still talking somewhat. She has even admitted that they have talked outside of work. Anyway, when she first moved out, I had it in my mind that she would be back by Labor Day, but it doesn't seem like this is going to happen. I just had in my mind that once the A was over, she would be back. But with her seeing the OM at work almost everyday, it just kills me and I can't help that think something might still be going on. Also, she tells me that she enjoys her independance living by herself and it scares me that she will enjoy this too much and never want to come back. But she also tells me that she still loves and misses me but she doesn't love me as much as she used to. She says that she doesn't want to come back until she can come back with her whole heart for me. This frustrates me because how in the hell can she fall back in love with me when we don't see each other that often and don't live together anymore. I tell her all the things that I would do for her if she came back (meet her need for affection, etc.) but she says that this is not me and it might be good for a little while but then I will go back to my own ways. I don't know what to say to this and how to make her beleive otherwise. I just want a resolution and her to make a committment to a plan for us to get better and right now she won't face what she has done and I am afraid that this will go on indefinately. It makes me so mad and frustrated sometimes that she won't face up to things and make any kind of committment. Looking for some advice. Thanks.

2510,

Welcome to MB!

Have you thought about dating your W? You both have your own space and that could be a good thing. I'm currently separated from my WH, but it works for us right now. We can enjoy each others company and do things and not have daily life to bog us down (bills, kids, etc.).

Since the OM is not an active partner with your W then I think it best if you continue to Plan A and just date for a while. Do you remember when you were first dating and the butterflies in your stomach? And all the niceties you did for each other? How you missed one another when you were apart? Think along those lines.

What have you been doing for YOU since your W moved out? It's important to heal yourself and keep yourself busy.

Have you thought about counseling, maybe for yourself at first then as a couple as time goes on and she shows an interest?

I wish you all the best as you continue to recover!

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2510,
I understand what you are going through because my W did exactly the same thing (co-worker and then moved out). She also says the same things as your W says.

Here are some things that work in Plan-A:

1. NEVER try to get her to "own up to what she did" in an effort to resolve anything. Trust me, she already feels guilty and dredging up whose fault it is will make her see you as a judge of her behavior. You WANT her to look at you and see a loving husband, not a constant reminder of her guilt.

2. Support her decision to be away from you (I know this seems risky, but it's a risk you must take). Remind her that she has made this decision to make things better and that she should stick with it.

3. Work on your self, work out, keep the house super clean. But DON'T talk about it. EVER. Say 'thank you' if she brings it up, but don't seek praise. Let her realize it for herself.

4. Most important is to NEVER bring up the affair unless she talks about it first. If she does bring it up in conversation, be communicative about your feelings without being judgmental. And if she becomes upset or defensive then stop the conversation by saying "Let's not talk about this right now, it's upsetting you." And drop it.

5. Try to sound strong and never sad when you talk to her or see her. Look, this is how it is. What else is there to do except carry on?

The constant through all of this is that you be the one who demonstrates the ability to be everything to her. Show by doing, not promising. No affair will ever be able to fulfill all of these needs. And keep in mind that Plan-A is something you do for yourself with no expectation of getting her back. That way if she does not come back you will know in your heart that you really have done everything and you will be able to move on.

I hope this helps. Like I said, I'm in the same situation and the point I'm at now is that I don't want the immature WW back. I want the sharp and focused woman I married. For the record I told my W that since she has decided to do this (live on her own for 6 months) that I support her and while I want her back, I'm holding her to it.

Lopine
married 4.5 years
no kids

Lopine,

Thanks for your advice. It is nice to know that someone elses is going through almost an identical thing as myself (albeit a pretty terrible thing).

It is really hard for me to support her decision to be away from me. Maybe part of this is because even though she says the A is over, I really don't know for sure. Especially if she is living across town and I don't know what she is doing with her free time. I feel like I need some assurance that she is really trying hard to "find herself" while she is away. A few weeks ago she told me that OM is close to taking another job. (This would be fantastic). I want to know if this is going to happen, but I don't know how to bring it up with her.

Last night, WW came over for dinner and we had a really good time. No LB used by me and we really enjoyed each other's company.

Your last paragraph really struck a cord with me. "I'm at the point I'm at now that I don't want the immature WW back. I want the sharp and focused woman I married." This is so true for me as well too, but sometimes I get so lonely and miss her so much that I just wish she was home now. I guess that I just have to hope for more nights like last night to convince her that I am the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.