Hi StrongWill,
I can only answer your questions from my personal perspective but there is loads of info on this site...you may want to do a word search to find what others have done if you don't get many replies. My situation was similar to yours -no one had any idea things had deteriorated so quickly between us (including me, LOL) so it was a
MAJOR SHOCK <--biggest understatement of the year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> when we starting telling family.
1) My H moved out so there wasn't that much at stake for me giving him the letter - and my letter was not a true Plan B letter (yet), more of a "If you want to separate then do it and remove ALL your stuff so you're not getting the best of both worlds" kind of letter, and also explaining why "I can't go from being a wife of 25 yrs to a best friend overnight like you think I can".
2)It also depends on the age of your children. Mine were over 21 so they got the whole story. I think it's best if both spouses are there and the WS tells them in the presence of the BS so that everyone is on the same page and nothing is forgotten or left out. That way, if there are questions, concerns, reactions, shock, etc...both parties can witness it and reply. (A sub-effect of this is that the WS gets to see the ramifications of their actions from someone other than the BS.) I was fortunate cuz my H admitted to his EA, admitted leaving was HIS idea, that I wanted to work on the marriage, etc... basically what he and I had agreed for him to say. We told the same thing to our parents (his and mine) and our children (each separately since they're older). Those are the only ones we felt we "owed" to tell the specifics to together first.
Now we have told our own circles of friends separately. I don't know what he's saying to his friends. I have chosen to NOT tell about the A yet as I don't feel comfortable with EVERYONE knowing that much detail. I tend to be a private person anyway - part of our problems have been communication-related, LOL (Most of my friends are from church and his leaving is shock enough!) I'm sufficing it to say "we have had problems. He has left me. My desire is to work on the M but he says he doesn't want to. Please pray for him and me."
The other school of thought on that is to go ahead and tell everyone the dirty details so that the WS will possibly hit bottom sooner by being exposed, losing friends, etc... But be prepared that some will not believe you.
Remember when you tell your families that if YOU are the one telling, you might get resentment or unbelief if you're telling them by yourself. Remember hearing "blood is thicker than water"? Divorce/Separation can really prove that, I've seen here on the boards. But there are always exceptions!
I would definitely talk over Plan B with a counselor - either the Harleys or someone familiar with the MB or "Love Must be Tough" (Dobson) school of thought.
Good Luck!
