Plan A is not an easy option in any event. I have been trying to stick to Plan A since June. I find the MB site a great inspiration and I have talked through my M difficulties with friends.
The one thing that grinds me down more than anything else is my WS attacking me as soon as I come home. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I have not fought back since I started Plan A and tell her how much I care for her etc until she calms down, which she does if I persist long enough. She tells me that I should get angry and want to get rid of her and can't understand my reaction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
She does not do it every day but it is disconcerting to build myself up only to come home from work and be greeted by abuse. I don't expect a loving welcome but a verbal barrage is uncalled for.

What strategy can I pursue to stop getting upset or stop this verbal abuse?

<small>[ December 18, 2002, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: MurphySLaw ]</small>

MurphySLaw,

Since you could control your anger, you should learn how to talk back to the fog. Give a specific "fog talk" and Orchid might be able to help you out. Also, listen carefully to her talk ... some facts of her complain are your great plan A material and you should apologize to her and promise her that you will change that ... and next time if she keep repeating that you should point to your plan A actions. Some excuse beyond planet earth's justification, you should learn how to bring up the truth w/o LB ... i.e talking back to the fog.

-RH-

one thing that has worked for me to get through the anger vented at me has been to

simply use good listening skills.

don't take what is said to you personally
(I know, easier said then done) don't read into what is said or take it to heart (so really DON'T listen listen)

BUT!!! show that you are listening by

remaining calm throughout and not reacting with anger back
not interupting when you are spoken to
nodding in acknowledgement of certain things (use other nonverbal communication to show you are listening - e.g. watch your posture, make good eye contact, keep your arms to your sides not folded across your chest)
asking questions to clarify what you are hearing (summary type questions)
don't give advice or educate or point out how your speaker is wrong
show you are understanding
if you must disagree, simply state in a pleasant way, I hear what you are saying but I disagree.

just some ideas, I'm no expert that's for sure.

good luck.

Thank you redhat and aanast2. Your replies have given me some more things to use in my response to WS verbal abuse.
I know this is a stupid question but what is the fog?

This might be considered "required reading" for you at this point:

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

She will lose respect for you and you will ultimately lose lovebank points with her if you continue to allow her to abuse you. Plan A has no requirements to be a doormat!!!

You have to be able to NOT lovebust, but at the same time, require all interactions to be at least civil. If not, say simply, "Honey - I don't know what went on before I walked in, but I don't want to provoke you further. I'll just be in ______ room, when you're ready to talk." or "Honey, I don't know what went on before I walked in. Is there something I can help you with so that you don't feel so stressed?"

Big opportunity to make a ca-ching in her love bank, while protecting yourself and letting her know subtly that you are not about to take her rages personally.

A verbal abuser wants a confrontation or some type of reaction. The Boundaries books are good for getting advice on dealing with this. You don't have to take verbal abuse and if you just let it go unchecked it will get worse. The book You can't say that to me! By Suzette Elgin gives you stratigies for defusing some situations. Hang in there.

Some afterthoughts:

I worked with a major verbal abuser - back stabber. I ignored her bad behavior, and then my Taker finally got fed up with me being a doormat and basically sabotaged my ability to stay working there altogether.

Lovebusters usually come without thought. That's when our taker will take out an aggressor or abuser. So if you want to remain in a relationship with this person, pay attention to your taker and protect yourself. Otherwise, before you know it, YOU will be saying something that totally drives her away from you - and you will sit and wonder where THAT came from - trust me - your taker will not tolerate abuse long term.

Take care!