<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hello again everyone. Not sure what to do here. My W came over last night to pick up the kids (I'm staying with my mother right now, at 26 years old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I/we??? have been working plan A for almost a month. I thought we were having a nice talk, she began opening up to me about her EN's, and I really thought we were starting to get somewhere. Then it turned into the same old conversation. She's still thinking about/has feelings for OM, and says she needs to continue to date both of us to see how she feels about us. She doesn't feel she is ready to make a decision or is even ready for a real relationship again. I keep getting "mixed signals" from her. One day she's enthusastic about working things out, the next day she blows me off like nothing. She says she likes being able to do what she wants, when she wants without having to answer to anybody. Yet almost everytime we are together it becomes intimate. Is this the "cakewalking" I've read some talking about. I'm trying very hard to keep from lashing out, to avoid all the LB's as it were, but sometimes it would be nice to see HER lash out a little bit, just to see a little REAL emotions form her for a change. I've tried taling to her respectfully about how I feel, but I don't want to do/say anything that might be counterproductive. Should I keep trying to work plan A, competing with this other man, who quite honostly, is a lot of things I am not (although he IS married, something we have in common). Should I maybe move to plan B, or is it too late for that? It would be hard to do with 3 kids. Should I simply accept the fact that my M is over, and let my WW get on with her life, possibly with the OM, whom I honostly don't see her having a real future with? I am trying very hard to keep my emotions under control, for her sake, but I am beginning to feel taken advantage of. I deperately want to save my marriage, but I can't stand the thought of her being with OM, especially while we are supposedly trying to work things out. I simply don't feel I can compete with the "heat of the moment" feelings she gets from the OM. My emotions are in a roller coster right now, and I'm afraid I won't be able to control them anymore and may say/do something that would jeopordize any chances we may have (BTW, I don't mean anything of a violent nature, so please take that remark in the proper context). Any help please??????

Hang in there Buddy!!!

You are just beginning. Try not to send mixed signals. If she messing around then no intimacy with her. You may get a disease and die. She needs to quit, get tested, wait 6 months ands be tested again before she is safe. Plan A love her for now, when that fails due to her just using you, then Plan B don't contact her any more. At that point it may end the marriage or restart the marriage. It's like restarting a planes engines from a stall dive...you either live or die. The alternative is a slow lingering death of neither hot nor cold marriage. So for now make it hot and love her. If that doesn't work, make it a cold reality for her. Now thank the Lord she isn't as deceptive as my WW!!! Good luck and God Bless

m_t_d

Not to sound corny, but I definitely feel your pain. My WW did the same thing and I also get the crossed signals. That's something WS's go through known as "the fog".

But you must understand this: The Plan-A is moreso for YOU, -not for 'winning back your wife'. The healthy thing to do is to remind yourself (daily or even hourly if necessary) that you are Plan-Aing with no expectations of her coming back. I know it feels like you're being taken advantage of or 'wasting time'. But consider who benefits the most by Plan-A.

It's you. A good, strong Plan-A makes you a better man and a better spouse. So it's definitely not a waste of time to better yourself, right? And how can you be taken advantage of when you take care of your home and business? Afterall you enjoy these things too.

As for the OM. Statistically, relationships built on affairs don't last.

My Plan-A: I am working out, I am keeping our home clean and clearly all around 'taking care of business'. We talk about 'us' when she brings it up and I strive to never be judgmental, always reminding her that we built our home together and when she is ready to come back I will welcome her with love.

But, inspite of the loss I feel, I do NOT want the childish WW back. And I will not accept her back if she exhibits the same immaturity. I deserve better. If I do decide that she has not worked things out, then I will move to Plan-B. That will probably be at the end of this year or perhaps sooner.

The bottom line is, do Plan-A for yourself. She is the WS, not you. You don't have to 'win her back'. But you can show her what you're made of!
As opposed to the snakey-cheater OM.

Take care and please post updates.

MTD,

Here is the deal. Plan A is for you and you only. You work it by examining your role in the state of the marriage, by meeting the needs she will let you meet, and by avoiding LB's. You do this for awhile. The purpose of plan A is not to get your W back it is to plant seeds for when the A ends. Seeds that may grow into her realizing that you weren't such a bad guy, and that you were really trying.

Now you plan A as long as you can and then you go to plan B. Plan B is not to get the WS back either. It is to protect you. Your love for your W, while you wait for the A to end. How do you know when it is time for Plan B? Well, it should follow a good plan A, it should happen when you find it hardere and harder to not LB, it should happen BEFORE you feel you don't care or love her anymore. After all it is to preserve the love you have for her.

Now, why preserve the love. Well, there are two reasons. One, if you finally realize you don't love her, then the marriage will be over and you will divorce her. Two, if the affair ends, the hard work of rebuilding can start if she decides to give the marriage a chance. You need all of the love you have to get through her withdrawal from OM, her uncertainty about you, and the marriage.

So do a good Plan A, and then move smartly into Plan B. You can do this with children by using an intermediary to pick up the kids or limiting contact to email or voice mail. It does work.

An ancillary thing about Plan B is that it stops the cake eating. It forces the OM to meet ALL of her needs. Sometimes this helps the fog clear.

So do some reading, talk to a counselor (the Harley's are good), and the step smartly into this process. You will come out the other end, stronger, wiser, and much better at relationships. This is good no matter if your marriage makes it or not.

Get with it and God Bless,

JL

M_T_D,

I just wanted to post to let you know what GREAT advice you have been given! After reading what they wrote, I do not having anything to add other than I do not beleive your M is over. It just that you are at a very hard stage of recovery! Keep your chin up! And keep asking questions!

Just me again. No more questions yet (I'll think of one as soon as I turn off the computer for the night). Just wanted to say thank you all for the advice. It did really help me put everything back into some kind of perspective. I do have a tendancy to try and push things, I only joined MB's a few weeks ago. Thanks again everyone and any more words from the wise are greatly appreciated.