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Joined: Dec 1999
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I just verified that W is living w/OM and has been for at least 2 weeks. It sure looks to me like she's made her decision. I also discovered something in our home that leads me believe that the relationship has been or has become sexual. W denies this but I have no trust at all.<P>I am so angry I could burst. W's been calling me at work despite my Plan B no contact letter as she wants to make arrangements to see the kids next week when we get back from DC. It takes all the control I can muster not to be rally ugly. She's so flippant and smug now that she knows what I have discovered. There is absolutely no remorse and I can feel the last of my love for her just oozing out of me. How does one keep from being so disgusted, angry, hurt, etc. to maintain any form of civility?<P>My anger tempts me to want to file for divorce today, slam her in a custody suit, sue the OM for "Alienation of affection" (which is a civil tort here in NC), cut off her medical coverage, change my insurance beneficiary, drop her from the auto policy, change the door locks and refuse to pay for her counseling. However, I dare not act while I am angry. I know I have left her with the last impression of a loving husband and a safe haven in our home and I don't want to jeopardize that.<P>I pray for God to bless me with a forgiving and loving heart and to soften me. I pray for her as well. I guess that's all I can do huh?
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Joined: Sep 1999
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i have been there!!! WHEW! i wanted to do everything to hurt her as much as i could, tell everyone, drain money- all that revenge crap.<BR>Yep, about all you can do is venbt , scream, and get it out. dosen't that suck? powerlessness.<BR>It will backfire, what goes around comes around, blah, blah, blah....<P>keep posting it here.<BR>Hell, i used to call my answering machine and vent- and pretend it was her on the other end.<BR>at the end of the day, i'd listen to those messages and laugh at myself for losing control like that- and thank gods she didnt hear it.<P>Keep posting that crap- its hard, just be a businesslike as possible on the phone, short, sweet, etc...
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Joined: Dec 1999
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Thanks Covenant.<P>You said "been there". Is there a happy ending to your saga? I have very little hope right now.
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Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 277
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Joined: Sep 1999
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well....no<BR>our dissolution went thru today.<BR>she has stopped seeing OM - i suppose she's right<BR>she "needed" this she said<BR>i dont know if thats happy or not- but i get spend time with our son- and I hope that someday she would like to work on us again- now that i feel we both grown up a little.<BR>a little older, wiser, and bumpier.i still get those feelings anyway- i guess istill have feelings for her- i just try to act she dosent exist- i told her that not to be mean- just to secure my own sanity.<P>i wish there was a happier ending- butits not over until one of us dies or one of us agrees that there is no turning back.<P>so , yea, i have hope- guarded optimism i guess.
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Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
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NewMan,<P>I've been there, and more, and with a happy ending.<P>Here are the facts: right now, your wife is living a fantasy. She doesn't have "romantic love" for you. She's having an affair. The separation makes it easier for them to be together (read all this in "Surviving an Affair").<P>Anger and punishment will not save your marriage. If your primary interest is in that, vent in a different direction. Have one last "contact" with your wife letting her know that you know that she's living with the OM, and that you're hurt---and THAT's why htere should be no contact. Work out the visitation. And then keep from contact.<P>The beauty about what your wife is doing is that the fantasy will become reality. Reality is never pretty, and this affair will lose it's lustre pretty quickly. If you remain calm, poised, committed, and loving (when dealing with her), it will pay off BIG TIME when the affair does end.<P>You have a lot of reason to hope. Affairs don't last. They don't turn into permanent relationships. Hang tough. I'd also suggest counseling now---it'll help you deal with the stress of the situation (and Steve Harley here is great).
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Joined: Dec 1999
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Thanks K.<P>This site and the material has been a blessing. I've read a lot but I just ordered the book SAA. I'll read it cover to cover I'm sure.<P>I'm trying to be loving, kind, civil, non-judgmental, avoiding all possible LB's. It's SO hard. Right now I don't know if I want her back at all. That may change, I don't know. She used to say that maybe I'd be better off w/o her. Maybe she's right or maybe in some twisted way, she justifies this by thinking she's doing me a favor.<P>She called again to say she wants to drop some Xmas gists off for the kids at our house. Should I meet her there and have our "final contact" and discuss visitation? If I met with her, I would need to pray bigtime for a love filled heart to disipate the hurt and anger. I'm confident I could manage the emotions; after all, I've done okay thus far and she even acknowledged she was "In awe" at my love for her after her betrayal.<P>What do you think?<P>PS - I need happy ending stories to maintain what little hope I have now. Thanks<P>PPS - How could I contact Dr. Harley for counseling? I am seeing a counselor now but Dr. H appears to be more qualified on saving the marriage.
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Joined: Apr 1999
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Newman....sorry about your situation. I just don't understand the craziness of affairs!<P>K: If you are reading this, I'm wondering...since Newman's W is living w/OM, shouldn't he protect himself financially so that W & OM don't take advantage of him? I don't know what steps need to be taken...without getting a legal separation...but do you have any suggestions?<P>p.s. Newman...I was reading your replies to Mitzi. Thank you for your insight from an alcoholic's point of view. I'm glad that you have recovered and are able to share your success (recovery) story with us.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited December 30, 1999).]
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