MTD:

I want to back up what Cerri is telling you: don't jump in too fast, if she isn't ready for a recovery plan, then at least put a time-line on the whole thing: don't just leave it hanging in the air, and assume that it will all just "work out", since you both love one another.

My ex, after 6 months of dilly-dallying about after her A, still couldn't decide what she wanted, and still refused conselling. She even refused to read the material I had downloaded off the MB site for her to read. She just wasn't interested, refused to read anything, and believed in her heart that ANY form of counselling or advice would be aimed at HER, and the "wrong" she did in the marriage. Please emphasise with your wife that this is NOT so. Try as far as you can to encourage her, and promise to make effort on YOUR part, to repair the damage YOU caused in the marriage. This might help.

This is really good news. Proceed with cautious optimism.

Well done with the work for far. Good Luck!

muzohead

Hi TMCM...

No wonder that statement of 'most women can't do a long plan A' sounded strangely familiar.

And if you spent as much time as I do reading and listening to Bill Harley, it would sound even more so!!

I'm just glad that you finally got out of Persistant's never ending thread and joined the rest of us. Your wealth of experience will benefit us tremendously and may also send business your way (hey we all got to make a living, right?).

Out of P's thread???? Heavens no!!! That's my home. You didn't think I was like a real person with a house and all did you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

Business would be an amazingly wonderful thing. I often wonder how I'll fit it all in as things heat up here. I've been positioning myself for better exposure, changing my ads, networking, joining organizations that will give me even more visibility. The subscriptions for my newsletter have been pouring in. It's just about ready to send. Gotta make sure it emails ok. Have you signed up yet????

C

Thanks again Lone MB Ranger (who was the masked woman riding that white horse?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> [/QB][/QUOTE]

I'm baaaack. Sorry I've been gone so long Cerri. Taking care of stuff that I've put off toooooooooo long. Not that I procrastinate or anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Now that I've got my head out of the clouds, here's how it stands now. All contact with OM('s) is ended. She has made a committment to me, to work on our M. My question is this, what type of plan do we need to begin working on our recovery? I have no idea how to proceed from here. We know what we (both) did wrong, and we both want to spend our lives together. But we're not sure what to do keep the past from repeating itself. We can make promises all day long, but that alone doesn't mean we'll have a happy marriage. I am ecstatic, but not dillusional. Well, not completely dillusional anyway. So, now what?

Why do I have to be the bad guy.

Who? You? Hehe, you've helped to keep me from stripping down butt naked and running down the street screaming "WEEE-OOOHH, WEEE-OOHH". Seriously, I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but thank you. From both of us. My W would like to thank you also. She is here beside me as I type this out (pointing out all my grammatical mistakes as well), and she knows what great support you have been for me, as has everyone here. Even the ones who've never read my thread, just for having the courage to post their own stories. Now, I'm not a very patient person these days so GIMME STUFF. I WANT ANSWERS AND I WANT THEM NOW, NOW, NOW!!!! Please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
Hi TMCM...
Business would be an amazingly wonderful thing. I often wonder how I'll fit it all in as things heat up here. I've been positioning myself for better exposure, changing my ads, networking, joining organizations that will give me even more visibility. The subscriptions for my newsletter have been pouring in. It's just about ready to send. Gotta make sure it emails ok. Have you signed up yet????
C</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just be careful with the business not consuming you like it did your ex.

No I haven't signed on yet but as soon as I end this post, I will.

TMCM,

Just be careful with the business not consuming you like it did your ex.

No I haven't signed on yet but as soon as I end this post, I will.

What me??? Get obsessive??? Surely you jest!!!

If you did indeed sign up through my site then I'm having technical troubles.... what a surprise with the way this week and a half have gone..... I have no new signups, and I can't seem to email out of that address either.

Maybe I'll just take the day off???? LOL

C

Cerri.

Help, I can't find your website. I thought I could find it on my own without asking for directions (typical male behavior eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but I can't. Please point me in the right direction. Thank You.

I'm just glad that you finally got out of Persistant's never ending thread and joined the rest of us.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Cerri leave the Persistent thread!! ha ha ha ha ha ha

Good luck MTD, glad your M is moving in the right direction. I'm interested in hearing the recovery path as well...

PasDeDeux

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Cerri.

Help, I can't find your website. I thought I could find it on my own without asking for directions (typical male behavior eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but I can't. Please point me in the right direction. Thank You.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL LOL LOL LOL Remind me never to take a road trip with you at the wheel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

newsletter went this morning, but I'll send you a copy if you get me your email address...

Thanks JoA (see I can keep your secret identity a secret, Cerri, DOH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

I bookmarked it and put my e-mail addy but after I pressed send, I waited, and waited, and waited for confirmation that never came. Tried it a couple of times but again the same thing.

<small>[ October 01, 2002, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sorry MTD for hijacking your thread. I feel so Al Quaeda. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Thanks JoA (see I can keep your secret identity a secret, Cerri, DOH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

I bookmarked it and put my e-mail addy but after I pressed send, I waited, and waited, and waited for confirmation that never came. Tried it a couple of times but again the same thing.

Here's my e-mail addy: stressedoutjoe@cox.net</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There seems to be some delay with the confirmation. I get 2 or 3 feedback forms for every one addy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

HA!! I really did have a dissociative disorder years ago... so I never really do know who I am!! LOL

JoA.

I got a confirmation e-mail from you, thanks, and the first copy of the newsletter.

When you said it was a labor of love, you weren't kidding, it's awesome.

The theme of honesty is so right on the money.

Helloooooo!!!!

MTD where are you???? How are you doing? I'll be gone Wed thru Sunday... so don't panic if I'm not around.

C

Hello Cerri...I'm here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I'm sorry, during the move I didnt' have access to a computer. My dsl service hasn't transferred yet so I'm still using my mommy's PC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Not much time now, but I'll hop back shortly and update you. Many, many, many, many, etc... (get the idea??) questions for you. Things aren't going badly, but I'm still worried <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I am afraid we are already beginning to fall into the same trap. Gotta run, bug ya later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by madly_truly_deeply:
<strong>Hello Cerri...I'm here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I'm sorry, during the move I didnt' have access to a computer. My dsl service hasn't transferred yet so I'm still using my mommy's PC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Not much time now, but I'll hop back shortly and update you. Many, many, many, many, etc... (get the idea??) questions for you. Things aren't going badly, but I'm still worried <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I am afraid we are already beginning to fall into the same trap. Gotta run, bug ya later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now tell me you didn't ignore my pleas and move back in together without a recovery agreement???? sigh..........

I told you I'm gone for the rest of the week, right? Ok, good. Back on Monday.

C

Hi Cer, *sigh*. Not entirely. It's just not a very complete agreement. Honostly, we just weren't sure where to proceed. BTW, my SAA never made it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . We have some plans for keeping communication open, and we have set aside time every week to spend together and as a family. We are happy with the way things are going, but we're still left with the question "What next?". So, I guess my question to everyone is, What next?...

BTW TMCM, don't worry about hijacking my thread. I like the attention. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by madly_truly_deeply:
<strong>Hi Cer, *sigh*. Not entirely. It's just not a very complete agreement. Honostly, we just weren't sure where to proceed. BTW, my SAA never made it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . We have some plans for keeping communication open, and we have set aside time every week to spend together and as a family. We are happy with the way things are going, but we're still left with the question "What next?". So, I guess my question to everyone is, What next?...

BTW TMCM, don't worry about hijacking my thread. I like the attention. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhhhhh.... so ya coulda asked me!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can help you guys with a recovery plan. Is wife on board with the idea? Is she reading posts with you? (Hi Mrs MTD!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I hope Monday is ok?

C-ya then...

C

Who did you order SAA from? This site? If so call 888.639.1639 and let them know you didn't get it.

Here's your update for the week Cerri. Things are going pretty well. My W is doing a great job of meeting my EN's now. I am trying my best to do the same. I have a questoin however. I have heard that a BS can become ambivelant about reconciliation it they wait too long to move from A to B. What about after reconciliation? In all honosty, I have had a kind of "whatever" attitude towards life the last couple of weeks. Is this common? My W is doing a great job, don't get me wrong, it's just that sometims it seems like I could care less if she tried. I haven't told her how I feel yet becuase I'm not really sure how to explain it. I do love her. I haven't changed my mind or anything. I just feel like it doesn't matter one way or the other. By the way, I found out just after we reconciled about OP#4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . But it's not an OM, it's an OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . WTF!!!! I don't think that has anything to do with the way I feel right now though. It just seems like she wants things back the way they were. I feel like I have put all this effort into making myself a better husban, but she feels like she does not have to change herself. Actually, I can't say that completely. Maybe the changes are just more subtle and gradual than mine were. After D-day, I changed myself fairly quickly. I already knew what was wrong with myself for the mostpart (at least what I thought was wrong) and what I wanted to make better. I just needed a catalyst. Maybe it's different with her. Any thoughts? I could really use your insight, I know I need to tell her how I feel but I want to be careful how I handle the situation. Look forward ot reading you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sooooo.... did you ever get your book? And how's the computer situation? Have yours hooked up yet?

My W is doing a great job of meeting my EN's now.

That's great. But what about the other conditions of recovery? N/C? Honesty, Time, Care, and Protection? Are those ironed out? Are you both being accountable for time/whereabouts/money 24/7?

What about after reconciliation? In all honosty, I have had a kind of "whatever" attitude towards life the last couple of weeks. Is this common?

I really don't know if this is common. That's a good question. I wonder if it's the letdown after working so hard and hurting so much? An energy drain so to speak?

Also, how much of that is due to resentment and your Taker popping up?

I could see that you might feel that you worked so hard to get to where you are, and she gets to just waltz back in as if nothing happened. And then your Taker could be suggesting that she needs to meet your needs for a while to even the score?

The thing is, in marriage, you don't get to even the score. Well, ok, you can... but then you won't have a marriage to write home about!

My W is doing a great job, don't get me wrong, it's just that sometims it seems like I could care less if she tried.

That's a symptom of w/d. A way to protect yourself from more pain. Are you feeling some fear of being vulnerable and in love because of the things she did that were so painful?

I haven't told her how I feel yet becuase I'm not really sure how to explain it.

Well, dishonesty in your marriage was part of what got you to where you were. So you can't go down that road again. I think you need to take a good look at how you are FEELING and discuss that with her. I really think there's some fear and resentment issues going on there.

The fear in particular is what you need to talk about. We can discuss how you would do that if you like.

But it's not an OM, it's an OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . WTF!!!!

Well, even I was shocked at that, and I don't shock easily. There needs to be n/c with that person too, ya know.

It just seems like she wants things back the way they were. I feel like I have put all this effort into making myself a better husban, but she feels like she does not have to change herself.

Exactly. And because you did not define the conditions for recovery before you got back together, you are left feeling taken advantage of. Which, you are.

Any thoughts? I could really use your insight, I know I need to tell her how I feel but I want to be careful how I handle the situation. Look forward ot reading you soon.

I think you should tell her that you are uncomfortable with the way things are, and that you want to negotiate for change in some areas.

Why don't you let me know what it is you need from her that you're not getting and we can put together a plan for negotiating?

C

Hi Cerri. Sorry I've been away so long. Things are interesting to say the least around here. W and I are actually doing really well.

Why don't you let me know what it is you need from her that you're not getting and we can put together a plan for negotiating?

I'm not really sure what I'm not getting. Like I said, she's doing great at meeting my EN's, I just felt kinda "blah" about everything. As far as that goes, I am feeling much better about everything now. You were right (gee, imagine that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) about the plan for recovery. I thought we had it all worked out, but we didn't have a REAL plan, just a sort of "handshake agreement" instead of a contract. Yes, by the way, there is NC with any of OP's. Kind of.

Interesting story here. Let me fill you in. We (W and I) went out last week, whole dinner and a movie thing. Afterwards we stopped to get a drink at a little hang out in town. Guess who walks in. OM#3. As you can imagine it was really awkward, for them. I have a confession. I got a morbid satisfaction watching them both squirm as we passed eachother (we left immediately and passed him on the way out). We passed within two feet of eachother. Him looking one way, her another, and me looking at both of them smiling. Yes I know it's sick, but I couldn't help it. She was very upset about this and I won some love points for comforting her.

Here's the better story. This one has happened twice now by the way. I was at work today when OM#1 came in (he was my friend at one point during the A). He comes in to purposely try to "get at me". Like I said he has come in twice. And as it is, there is nothing I can do becuase where I work he is a customer. Anyway, I was just going to ignore him when he said quite possibly the lowest thing I have ever heard anyone say in my life. He said "So, when you kiss her, can you still taste my d*** on her breath?". Kinda rude eh? Anyway, I kept my composure (barely) and came home in a wonderful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> mood. Told W what happened. Then I went out in the back yard and threw a temper tantrum. Mature eh? Put a couple of holes in the fence. Think I broke my hand, not sure yet. W was very good during this. She left me alone during my tantrum, then iced it up for me, comforted me. She was very kind and apologetic. Didn't help much at the time, but I see she did the best she could. Just for the record, I am not a violent person and have never in my life raised my hands at someone in anger so don't get the idea that I like to go around beating people up. Although in this case I think I would like it very much. It was what he said that set me off. Enough of that though.

I've realized that I've ignored a few of your questions as of late. Can I start the lessons again professor? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We have agreed to work out a new plan for the future. I have told her how I felt before. Actually we are working out a plan slowly but more slowly. We spend a couple hours each week talking about things we feel need to improved and the things we think are working out great. We try not to focus on too much at one time so as not to get off track. As I said, we are doing quite well under the circumstances, I just think we could use a little more help. She disagrees but that's one of the things we're going to talk about tonight when she gets home.

You asked me one time if she would be interested in posting here. She's not having it. At least not right now. She thinks we are the only help we need. That "love will conquer all". Yeah, that's worked out great so far hasn't it?

Anyway, that's the long and short of it. Eagerly waiting your response oh wise one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />