Well my dear.... don't even go down the D path with me.... you know better than that!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I didn't work my little fingers to the bone getting you to this point just to have you bail on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now how would that look on my record??? Huh???? Huh???? Boy, ya could just be a little more empathetic here.....

Oh wait, you're the one fighting to keep head above water... sorry.... ranting blonde witch now settling down and engaging brain....

Alrighty then (as my children who have seen Pet Detective waaaay too many times say...) what to do about the resentment that's eating you from the inside out? A couple of thoughts come to mind.

First, we need to go back to the basics. In marriage, everything you do affects how your spouse feels, AND how your spouse feels about YOU.

That is the number one concept that we need to keep in mind. Next comes this one: In order to preserve (restore/revive) the love you have for each other, you must make your decsions in a way that is good for both of you AT THE SAME TIME.

(Not, I do this thing for you which I hate and then you do something for me which is icky for you.... every decision must be good for both of you at the same time.)

AND until you can agree on what that decision is, NOTHING happens. No decision is made.... that includes how to pay bills, whether or not to discipline a kid, where to go for weekend fun, etc......

So what I see happening with you guys is a failure to follow these rules. You are doing things that are YOU are not happy about. And some of those things are feeding the resentment.

Such as.... going to sports bars where she met with the OM's. Good goddess MTD.... I felt ill just driving past the airport where H used to fly out of when he travelled for work and had his A's..... there is no way in you-know-where (which seems to have frozen over here in the heartland) that I would have EVER gone to the place where he actually met those women. Never. In fact, I don't even want to here the name of those cities!!!

So, if you are uncomfortable going to those places... then you don't go!!! You negotiate until you find some other alternative that works for both of you. If you can't.... well then.... ya sit at home and stare at the walls. You can see that if you follow the "do nothing" rule, there becomes an immediate motivational reason to negotiate!

Now then, if driving a certain route is bringing up those feelings, then don't drive it! Find another way. It's the same thing.... it's a decision about the route you take that is not working for you.

The thing about recovery is that this is the time to create lifestyle that is good for both of you. It's addressing the things that went wrong before and not allowing yourselves to fall back into the pattern of making decisions that is good for one of you and bad for the other. That's the road that led to the A in the first place.

Now, about talking to her about this. Don't. Yeah, that might sound like dishonesty, but it's not. She knows you were hurt by the A, you're not telling her anything new. All you're doing is making both of you feel bad.

Things that are in the past need to stay in the past. There is nothing either of you can say or do that will "resolve" this... or make you feel better about the fact that your wife had A's. So don't go there. It's not a fixable event.

What is fixable is how you handle today and tomorrw and the next day. The things that are triggering your resentment, it seems, are the things that remind you of the A. So get those out of your life. Replace them with something else. Start building some new memories.

Ok, so it's the weekend. Your plans should be things that do not trigger memories or resentment. They should be things that you both enjoy.... maybe a new sports bar and new friends?? Maybe it will take finding a whole new recreational activity. Whatever it is, until you decide on something that you're both thrilled about doing... you stay at home and do nothing.

I'm emailing you too.... I'd really like to hear either there or here that you're ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

Oh.... which Harley books do you have? Any? Let me know.....

C

Hello Ms. Cerri...

Ahhh... the internet!!! Email an Inet have been down at work since Wednesday and I've been sick so if I couldn't do it at work..it didn't get done.

well little miss parallel life

No kidding...I had the Student Planning Team Mtg on Tues about Boy Wonder....he's eight too you know. Nine in April.

I'm glad to know there are parents in the world who spend more time in the principal's office than we do!!

I'm sure I have you beat. After every suspension we have a readmission mtg, plus I demand monthy Student Planning Team Meetings. Are you aware of these? It is your right under IDEA. Just ask me..I'll fill you in. With his DX they can't expell him ... it's a daily challenge.

I see though that you have managed to eke out another 6 hours bringing our total to 11! Not bad. Now if you could get some phone and email time in there too, well.... we'd be on our way!!



Phone and email count?!! I thought it had to be F2F. We can add maybe 2H there. How do you count that?

gets home to see how all of this flys?


Well the perverbial crap has already hit the perverbial fan.

It just been an ugly past few days. I had the stomach flu. Ick. H called from airport on Thurs at 8:30 pm. Said he would go home first and then be over. That didn&#8217;t work for me because by the time I picked D up from Pointe I wouldn&#8217;t have kids to bed until 9:30 I&#8217;m exhausted and going to bed too, I've been sick and need sleep. We get up at 5am and mornings are of course chaotic and we are out the door at 7. H is totally PO&#8217;d that I didn&#8217;t &#8220;make time&#8221; for him&#8230;. I guess I am supposed to make up a few extra hours somewhere to give him attention because he showed up 3 days early.

He wanted to go to the Phoenix Open and wanted me to take Friday off&#8230;. Not something I can do without some notice. So I made some personal compromises to arrange Saturday to be open (not an easy task) so I can go to the PO with him on Sat.

Anyway the Thursday thing turned into this big ugly mess. He says that apparently he had hoped for too much from my new &#8220;plan&#8221;, he has no clue what the plan entails, apparently is picturing a huge plan A. He only knows that I was working on a recovery plan. Apparently that looks to him like me bending pver backwards to his whims.

Anyway..late Thursday he called me back to say he was going hunting and would see me next week.

Friday 6pm, I cancel babysitting arrangements. 8pm Fri&#8230;he calls as if nothing has happened.... Can I go to PO tomorrow??? Now, again, I am supposed to rearrange life again according to H. Not Happening.

His responses all thru this are you don&#8217;t feel this&#8230;, you think this&#8230; he has no idea what I think or feel.

I consider his responses to be spontaneous, irrational, and judgmental. I am supposed to arrange and rearrange my schedule to his whim. Additionally&#8230;it is a LB to me when he tells me what I feel and think. He didn&#8217;t know me when we were married and I have changed so much in these past many months that he cannot possibly imagine what I think and feel now.

I know it is the weekend but can I send you my &#8220;plan?&#8221; I know that it isn&#8217;t something that you are buying into but can you check it for me&#8230;for LB, and judgement, demands and all of that other nasty stuff? I am trying to do this by the book and expecting &#8220;text book&#8221; answers from him when he apparently doesn&#8217;t even know what book to read?

Per our last discussion&#8230;I am choosing to not talk to him until he buys into fair play discussion according to my plan and Harley fairplay principles. I did mention that I had someone in mind that he could discuss this with.

Agrrh!!!! Please help me to not screw up what I perceive to be the last straw.

I think you've put together a pretty comprehensive approach. If it doesn't work you could say you did just about everything.


I had thaought so. Becase of that I have told him that I am not bending over backwards until he plays by rules that work. A new standoff. What is the point? Really, I don't see thing changing.

What do you think he'd feel about going to the MB weekend? The next one is here ya know!!


Oh!! I din't realize that!! We have discussed the weekends and are both thinking it would be good. We have also discussed the cruise. I would love to meet w/you but suspect H would be less than enchanted.

Thanks and hugs.

Can you share your new homelife?

PDD

MTD,

Hugs. It's a nasty world we live in and I'm not talking about politics.

My grand advice to you.....be careful what you wish for. I had to know EVERYTHING....and my H gave it to me. He wrote up something like a a 4 page documentary.

I also struggle with the many-times-a-day visuals like you do. I wouldn't have some of those visuals if H hadn't given them to me. I even went to lunch with one of the OW's.

I often think that I created my own mightmares. My illusions weren't as bad as the facts that he gave to me.

Make your own choices but remember that you have to live with them. To do it all over again (shiver, major shiver) I'd ask for it all again but I am not sure it is helpful.

Ms. Cerri is wise...listen to her.

What I can tell you for sure is that I would NEVER put myself in a position to go where they went together. We have enough triggers without having our noses rubbed in them.

If you can, make new memories. I also often wonder what is the point?!! Perhaps the answer lies in our futures and in our families, and in hope.

I identify with your situation, take care and God Bless. Thanks for sharing the space....I think we have some simiar issues.

Its a really tough road but we found MB and I believe that God puts certain people in our lives at specific times for a reason, and we don't have to be alone.

Get thru this for you....

PDD

Hi Cerri. I'm sorry I'm late with my update. I kinda took a couple days off all this just to try and focus. I am feeling much better now. The lovely Mrs. Rohde has been great these last couple days. I finally realized what I was feeling was more self pitty than anything. That is usually just the opposite of who I am. Normally I scold those that spend their time feeling sorry for themselves, it gets you nowhere fast. I someone post once that being bitter is kind of like taking poison then waiting for the other person to die. So true.

PDD, thanx for the support. Yes, Ms. (or is it Mrs.??, I always muck those up) Cerri is VERY wise. I love your sig line, so true.

Yes I know you worked very hard. Sorry that I gave you a scare. These emotions hit so hard and so fast I don't guess I was ready for them. Now that I've had a couple of days it's a bit easier to deal with them. The lovely Mrs. Rohde I've noticed since I've relaxed a bit is a lot more receptive to helping me with this than before. Gee, imagine that. "Sweetie, I have a problem I think I need your help", as opposed to "Woman, do something for me before I ruin the refigerator!!". BTW, the fridge is ok. I don't know what I was thinking with that gory detail crap, I know it wouldn't do any good. Is it possible I only wanted to hurt her some more? I don't know.

That's all I have time for right now, got a party to set up for, something about a game or something, I don't know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I'll give you more in a day or so.

MTD

P.S.--who ya rootin' for this evening?? Tampa right!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you. Things generally tend to look a little better in the light of day, when you've had a little time to vent and think.

Make sure you stick to the POJA and remember to do only those things that you are both enthusiastic about, at the same time.

Go then, and enjoy your testosterone pumped day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There's not much escaping it here with four sons.... I think the pre-game show started sometime on Thursday!!!

Mayber I'll just immerse myself in some goddess lore to balance out the energy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Brightest of blessings to you and your family!

C

Yup, yet again!! For those that don't know, my W had 3OM's, and 1OW. OM's 1+2 have both broken NC, via phone calls, showing up at our job etc.. My W and I (in R since Oct2) are both managers at the same resteraunt. We took the job (it was a huge demotion and paycut for me) so we would have more time together. Both of the mentioned OM's have come in to make their presence known. OM#2 to try and see W, and OM#2 it seems specifically to F*** with me. He used to be a very good friend of mine btw. today, he came through our pick up window. I didn't see him personally. He asked my cashier if I was there, then asked her to give me a note. He didn't give his name, but by her description it was him. Also by his note, which basically said in a nutshell "haha..I banged your W". There was a little more to it, but that's the gist of it. He's done this before, he's always very nasty about it, and no matter how many times I confront him he always comes back. I've been told by the local police there's not much I can do unless I want to restrain him from the business, in which case I would have to let my boss in on why I need him restrained. So what do I do? The only idea that sits in my head right now is to go find him and make sure the very idea of ever seeing me or my W again makes him shudder. I know this really isn't an option, would feel good though. Would probably get me in trouble also. Not what I need right now. Suggestions anyone? BTW, I've even tried calling his mother. Didn't work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Cerri???


MTD

OOPS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

MTD.... I gotta be out today, but my initial thought is tell the boss???

I'll be back this afternoon briefly and out tomorrow too. Sorry, terrible week.

What does your W say?

And don't even think about doing anything rash, I don't have time this week to post bail!!

C