<BR>How in the H@ll am I supposed to show my H that I love him and I want him to come home if I only see him a few hours a week (abt. 4 hrs)????? I understand I need to make him feel like there is a loving and safe environment to come back to. But should I tell him that I love him and miss him or should I wait for that???? If he doesn't hear it, won't he think that I don't care and give up too???

Also, how can I "win" him back if he doesn't live in the house??? Most of his time is spent at work or with her. If he spent more time with me, he'd know that i love him. I guess my mind has been wandering alot today.

Mitzi....I wish I had the answer to give you, but I don't. I believe that since your H is an alcoholic, anything you say or do will just go out from one ear, out the other. He will be numb to anything. I think he needs to hit rock-bottom before he can even comprehend what he has done or what he is doing. <P>You can show him all the love in the world, but I don't think he will understand or see it. His mind is too clouded & drugged up with alcohol. He has to combat the addiction first before any marital reconciliation or even Plan A can be noticed.<P>He is with the OW because she accepts and enables his drinking too. Isn't she an alcoholic also?<P>I really feel for you because I know what it feels like. For now, you need to just focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. When your H finally wakes up and quits drinking...that's when I feel your Plan A will have a chance.

Yes, the OW is also an alcoholic. So basically there is nothing I can do except pray and then just give up. It sounds so easy but it's not. I didn't want to fall in love with this type of person, I fell in love with the man he used to be, loving, caring, and compassionate. If this weekend doesn't go well, I give up!!

Go ahead and tell him you love him, just be prepared for silence or "I know" or some other heartbreaking response. <P>I've been through 6 separations in the last 18 months, the last one just ended 5 weeks ago. When my H said he didn't want to spend time with me, I waited a bit, then issued him an invitation, but he wanted to spend time with the kids so it was easy to do. Eventually he would agree to going on a date with me--where I would take full advantage of the attraction he feels for me, despite the OW. Although they never lived together and even though my H drinks, he is not an alcoholic.<P>Some other good books that deal with separation are:<P>Divorce busting by Weiner-Davis<BR>Hope for the Separated by Chapman<BR>Your Husband's mid-life crisis by Conway<BR>How to get your lover back by Harris<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Mitzi, I understand what you mean about falling in love with your H and he was a totally different man. When my H began drinking heavily and made himself an alcoholic, he turned into some mean & cruel alien being. He never physically harmed me, but he was very mentally abusive towards me. He always told me that he loved me, but at the same time, he was with OW or hanging out with his other alcoholic friends at bars. Like I said earlier, I never knew, from day-to-day, when he would be coming home. He turned into a habitual liar (prior to his addiction, he wasn't a liar). He became so irresponsible, careless....seemed to forget that he had a wife & 2 kids. He wasn't the man that I married.<P>Once your H admits his alcohol problem and works on his addiction, he can again become the loving & caring man that you married.<P>Remember, it's the alcohol addiction that is turning him into some alien being. I know how hard it is to hang in there because I almost gave up on my own H.<P>Miraculously, he woke up on the day that I had my own wake up call. That was the day that I decided to take control of my life and do what I had to do. The timing was bizarre.<P>What got me through was support from Al-Anon, friends, family, and also therapy. I prayed a lot and God answered my prayers.<P>I'll be praying for you. Know that you have support here.<P>p.s. As Lori says...Yes, keep letting your H know that you love him. Let him know that your home is a safe place for him...but at the same time...let him be aware that alcohol in the house won't be tolerated. This is a toughie. Hope others can chime in and give you suggestions.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited December 30, 1999).]

I'm sorry I sound so negative. It's just that, in an hour he'll be back in town from work and instead of being with us he's going to be with her. I've never hated anyone this much yet loved them at the same time. I feel like shooting straight to Plan B. If I didn't have to see him or talk to him, it might be easier.

Mitzi...please don't apologize. What you are going through is so hard to deal with. Are you sure he will be going to OW's house?

Pretty sure. That's where most of his clothes are, and that's where he was all of last weekend. I've wanted to drive my car straight thru her trailer all week. I've been consumed by anger. I know it's normal, but this shouldn't have happened. If he wanted out, he should have just gone. Then started a fling.

Oh Mitzi...I'm sorry that I can't give you any promising advice. My H didn't have an EA, but he thought she was a friend (blech!) whom he could confide his marital problems to.<P>My H never did move out so I don't have any experience here. There are several members here that have had the terrible experience of their spouses' moving out. Perhaps they could advise you here.<P>All I am sure of, is that the alcohol is the ROOT of the problem. I can offer my support and prayers. Please vent here when you need to. Hugs...

I get so pi@@ed off at my H too. He walked out, left me with 3 kids, stops by for a few hours a week, and gives me extra money so "our" bills don't get behind. He's an a**. Like it should be MY responsiblity to pay his credit card bills. Am I letting him push me around? It's like he still wants me to be responsible for him. To take care of him. I think since he's staying with her, she should be the one doing it.