I didn't really think about it. I just did it. My parents paid for me and our four kids (ages 1 - 8) to visit them for a week. I got out there and within one day decided that it was very nice not to be sworn at. I asked my H to leave.

He picked us up from the airport on Monday and tried to convince me to stay. I said no -- that it was bad for the kids to witness what they have. He left. Only one child has mentioned him -- our 3 year old thought he was coming home because another child had opened the garage door.) That's it. I don't know what they are thinking or if they really have missed him since his attention was so focused on OW that he abandoned the family.

My H is calling me noe and saying he is afraid he is going to be a divorced Dad and he feels hopeless and he doesn't know what to do to earn back my trust but he would do anything.

Last week, he was telling me that he had lunch with OW the day after I was hospitalized for surgery because he had called and asked if I wanted him to come in and I had said, "No, no, if you're too busy, I'll be fine..."

He had an affair and had told me enough that I was hysterical about her and when I threatened to call her in December he punched me and broke my arm. Now he is in an anger management group but he says it takes longest to get over swearing. I just plain have had it.

I don't want our kids to grow up without a Dad, but it is hard not to face what they have seen as being damaging. Last week, my parents were just appalled that the 6 year old said "I'll break down the door" and the 3 year old said "Daddy spanked Mommy."

My H wants to know what he can do or is it now "too little, too late"? I'm not sure... I still want to stay married to him, but I just cannot believe he would have an affair and lie about it and even break my arm and physically attack me in other ways because I was upset about OW -- even though he kept saying"nothing happened".

We are going to counseling, but the focus is so negative -- my not being able to get over the affair and my H swearing. Any suggestions? Can we set up a plan for his return?

Hi!

First, I want to tell you that I don't believe in plan A. Especially in your case. My God, he has messed around on you when you were in the hospital for surgery, then he breaks you arm? He then acts childish in front of a therapist and swears? I know that this site is for saving a M at all cost but, not if your life is in danger! He sounds like a time bomb. And you say he's taking anger control management? Apparently, it's not working! You say the kids don't seem to question his disapearance. Maybe they are relieved? What about you? Are things a little more calm for you? I'm in Law Enforcement, and I have NO TOLERANCE for spouse abuse. Breaking your arm is SERIOUS! It doesn't matter how hurt you get, no abuse should be accepted. Did he get arrested? I certainly hope so. If you REALLY want him to come back, I would DEFINITELY WAIT until he has had as much counseling for his anger as he can possibly get. Your kids don't need to witness their Dad abusing their Mom. That is not a healthy atmosphere for children. They need to grow up feeling secure in relationships. Not fear. And yes, I think it's pretty nasty to have an A while you are incapacitated in the hospital. He should have been there. It doesn't matter if you said don't worry about it. He still SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I can understand some points of the "love bank" idea, but if my H put his hands on me just ONE TIME, my "love bank" would read: Insuficient Funds! He would be OUT. He would be calling family for bail money. NEVER tolerate abuse. It is wrong. I don't care how hysterical (you had a right to be!) you got. Please, please, please! Take care of your children and yourself. Let him worry about himself. This is not just an A, it is also ABUSE. Do not tolerate it! God bless. I wish you and your children the best.

Thank you for your reply. I entered the world of therapy in November because of this affair when my H was denying anything happened. Last week, my therapist asked me to stop going to MarriageBuilders because it had become time-consuming. I did want to reply to you first and then I'll be gone until after Christmas.

I had major surgery including a hysterectomy, on December 5. On December 10, my H picked me up from the hospital. A 5 day stay in the hospital is unusual. I had to wear a catheter bag for 4 weeks. On December 17, I threatened to call OW (I still was not aware he was having an affair; I had bought his claim that she was pursuing him and he was such a nice guy he couldn't hang up the phone). He pleaded with me not to call. I refused to stop. He came over to the bed, I asked him not to punch me because he could wreck the surgery, he said "I don't care" and punched me. I braced my bottom against the attack and didn't even realize he had broken my arm. We went to the therapist that day and she suggested he call OW, tell her what happened, and say that he would not have contact with her again. On December 20, I found out I needed surgery for the broken arm. I had it on December 28, had another arm surgery on February 25, and will need another one this coming January. The splint came off on April 3, and I had hand therapy through May 15. The broken arm was very serious. I have a 4 inch scar. I didn't call the police and thought at least his contact with OW was over. He did start anger management in January.

The affair intensified after the broken arm. He saw her again on December 19 (something I didn't learn until D-day May 4) and the affair got more sexual and involved more frequent contact. He thought our marriage was over. I thought at least the affair was over. She was the only person other than me and the therapist who knew how I got a broken arm, and he went to her for comfort.

Now, 4 months after D-day, I am still having anger outbursts over the affair and why didn't you stop it and how could you do this to your children. Tom is the one taking the abuse now.

I have vented a lot on MB, but what it has done is keep my focus on the affair and not on what he is doing to try to rebuild the marriage and rebuild trust. Meanwhile, we have four kids, and they have been left to TV while I have typed away. I made a commitment to stop going to MB but I wanted to reply to you.

Harley has a new book called Renters, Buyers and Freeloaders. He said that renters relationships eventually become abusive because each party thinks they are sacrificing more than they should. My H's sins are more visible, but I have plenty of my own, and I need to concentrate on them, not on his.

Thanks for your reply and concern. My H actually is in a program in which guys learn to manage their anger. He has not touched me since March when he pushed me down. And believe me I have been ugly to live with.

NOBODY should take physical abuse from ANYONE... especially from a spouse!!!! I fear for you and for your kids. Not only are they subjected to their mother being beat up by their dad, but the kids themselves very well may become abusive like that in their future relationships. It is unbelievable that your husband could strike you so hard to break your arm when you are lying in a bed trying to recouperate from a major surgery. My God, this is suppose to be the man who loves you? It's one thing to be hurt emotionally from an affair... but physical abuse cannot be tolerated. Even if he does go through counselling, what's to keep him from having a "relapse" and hurting you gain?

No... I vote you leave him... for everyone's sake.

tjs

Please look out for yourself and your children; your WH sounds like he is a "time bomb" as mentioned in a previous post. There is no shame in giving up a M when there is physical abuse. If he stays, it might hurt your children in the long run. In 20 yrs your daughters may be battered and your sons batterers....Heaven forbid, but it is likely. It breaks my heart to think of all you have been through. No matter how"ugly" you were to live with, his cheating on you when you are having surgery and breaking your BONES are absolutely inexcusable.