Hello Everyone:

I have been coming to this site since January of this year. My H's affair began in October of 2001. I read every book that the Harleys have and even spoke to them on occassion in counseling and on their radio program. My H's affair ended a month ago and we have been in recovery every since with no contact with OW. Things are going well. My resentment is fading and my love for my H is growing daily. We are now able to talk about what happened and acknowledge mistakes that were made and learn from the whole situation.

Having gone through this thing and now having the benefit of experience I would never ever do a Plan A again. I totally disagree with the Harleys on this one. Plan A does nothing but add further disrespect to the already hurting BS. I would go straight to Plan B. It works. Not only does it remove you from the situation and allow you to breath and deal with your life without the A in your face all the time but it allows the A the chance it needs to become real.

Ultimately there is nothing the BS can do to end the A. It is on the WS and OP to do that. But there is no way I would allow myself to be the third party in that monster ever again. Just walk away. I like the old saying, "If you love someone let them go, If they never return they were not yours to begin with." It is a tough pill to swallow but in the end you gain your self respect which is so important in the end. In Plan A I felt like a freaking doormat just waiting to be stepped on again. In Plan B I felt empowered. That it was my choice not his, to live for me and not breathe the A every single moment of the day. Plan B also gives you the chance to look at yourself and examine and try to fix your faults. It gives you a chance to decide alone if the marriage is something you truly want.

In "Surviving the Affair" Steve Harley actually says not to put up with the A for one second. I put up with it for months and it wasn't until I did not put up with it that it ended. Now maybe the timing was just right but whatever, in Plan B I felt in control of my life and we all know how out of control you feel in Plan A.

In Plan A I found myself fighting for what I thought was mine. In Plan B I made the choice to let what I thought was mine choose me. And he did. Just my opinion.

Hello wucus,
I have been told I did not do a long enough plan A, but I could not take the abuse by my WH coming here and being so cheesy, nasty. pushed me, screams, blames me and all the lies. Moved out in May this year. WH never admitted this A and still with this A being almost a year old that I can figure b/c of the way he had treated me I did do a long plan A and finally went to a B. WH still calls and comes when he feels he wants to and just this morning hecalled and chit chats and then starts his crap of nasty blame and I lost it! I told him when he decided to want his M and stop being a spoiled shelfish child and stop all the da** lies and rid himself or live with ? then to call me. I was tired of being in his triangle and he needed to decide what he wants out of life and go to counseling as that is where I am headed. WH did get quiet but started in on me again and I just hung up on him. I know I should not let him get to me, but this time it did and I ripped. Please help me to not be that awful tyrannt! I love this M with all my heart, but I am so hurt as I lived for him. I am not a kid I am 52 and just going through the worst time in my whole life. I have had previous marriages and all were runners! A lovely pattern. I know my faults and have tried to correct them, ie: my mouth runs away as I state facts and I run away from feelings so not to get hurt - have a hard time communicating - shut down. Thank God for this site as I have been in here for months now and learned alot. Oh yes a few articles slammed home.
WH just does not get Plan B! How would you handle this one? Thanks for letting me run my mouth once again. Yes I am ashamed of myself. God Bless you and yes I have been confused as to some of the articles on here also.

Hi Wuccus,

I don't think that you and Dr. Harley are as far apart as you think. Many times I've heard him say that women cannot do Plan A for any length of time. It's too painful. Some cannot even do it for a day. And that Plan A can be done in a letter.

All you really need to do is to state that you want to remain married and that you are willing and able to do the things that make your spouse happy, avoid the things that make him unhappy, and that you will work to create a lifestyle that you can both be enthusiasitic about.

You did the right thing by going to Plan B when you did. It was obviously time. I see far too many people hang on in Plan A for too long. Once their love banks are trashed there's little incentive to work on the M when the A ends and the WS is ready to reconcile.

Plan A is nothing more than a strategy to separate the spouse from the lover. It's not a battle cry to becoming perfect or a doormat. Or a perfect doormat for that matter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You do it for as long as you can. And if that is a whole 5 minutes, then so be it.

You are right too, that affairs frequently end when Plan B begins. This is because it forces the OP to meet all the EN's. Something they are usually ill equipped to do.

I'm curious, what did Harley tell you on his show?

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you.

Oh, and Steve Harley didn't write SAA, Dr. Willard Harley, his dad, did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

Hi Crier,
I read your reply to wucus and it gave me some more possitive outlook to the way I have felt about the things that have happened in my situation. I rattled in that post sorry as I was very upset with WH calling again after I have given him 2 no contact letters and asked numerous times not to call. We have no children so there is less need. Everytime WH calls it upsets me for another whole 2 days till God and me talk me out of it. I refuse to be in a triangle and feel I am NO 1 ! I will not compete with no one. Our marriage was not bad but there were things I should have done. I now know but no excuse for an A. My WH always had to be first in everything and is selfish. No passion, no communicating, told me he could not talk to me but that is because he was always nasty with lots of blame no matter what we talked about. So it shut me down where it was not worth saying anything. I cry everyday thinking about all this as I did then. many days when I drove to work, (nurses aide that drove 60 miles round trip so we could have extra money for his toys. I have tried to talk to him but now it is still all me. I have grown kids and he did not like them and still tries to separate that motherly love. I have dogs and he also wants them gone. God how do we work all this out when he will not see what he is doing to us? Said he does not want a divorce but then will not be honest about this affair. Should I write letters? I tried to do a good plan A but maybe not long enough as sometimes he said things that did make me go off. I do know how bad that is and always sorry immediatly. I have wrote and apologized before. This time I did not yet? Any help would be appreciated. I am going to a solutions councelor that is associated with Divorce Busters. She is the closest here as I live way out in the boonies! Thanks for listening. I need a few friends right now and scouldings also! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LoveNCare:

Change your phone number. He is just continuing in his disrespect for you. Let him in any way you can know that you mean business.

Crier: Thank you!! I did not know that his father wrote that book. One of the most interesting things Steve told me was that it takes addicts more than one try to quit anything. Be it cigarettes, drugs, etc. very few could do it with one try. That was my experience with my H so I hung onto those words and realized that each time he tried he was closer but I was also losing my love for him so I went into plan B until he felt strong enough to stop for himself. And 1 week into plan B he felt strong enough. Thanks all. This has been a real interesting thread. I posted it in General Questions and Just Found Out. Go check out what advice those people had. Very interesting. Love you all!!!wu

I am a FWS and will have to agree with you that Plan A does not work. My H plan A'd his butt off for as long as he could take and I (for some unknown reason) wanted nothing to do with him even though he was being so wonderful and I knew it. I kept convincing myself OM is better(boy was I wrong). And I would really have to agree with crier the the OP is ill equiped to fullfill all EN's of the WS, and the OM in my situation was not even M. When he was in plan A it made it easy for me to take my time, do what I wanted to do, I knew he would be there. The second he went to plan B it was like reality came crashing down on me. He was no longer on the back burner he completly jumped off the stove and into the frig, if you know what I mean. I knew if I didn't do something I would loose him. I do think though for a plan B to be truly effective you have to have NO contact at all, kids or no kids. He told me he was no longer going to be a doormat and when I decided to be a real part of our M then we could talk. He had his mother drop and pick the kids up when he wanted to see them, wouldn't take my phone calls. He told everyone that both of us talked to not to talk to me about him. Talk about a wake-up call! Anyway the fog left very quickly and we have been in a great recovery for over 8 months. Our M is better now than it ever was. So I will have to say I am a strong plan B advocate.

DU

I was just thinking about this recently. I basically started Plan Aing without knowing what it was prior to D-Day but it was short and not perfect. Then, on D-Day he was thrown out (escorted out actually). I did try to give him an opportunity to acknowledge what he had done wrong and tell me what he was willing to do to fight for our marriage. He just asked me to forgive him

Mine was complicated by the fact that my husband assaulted me on D-Day so I felt I had to move to a Plan B and file for an order of protection. It worked. As he cried for the loss of me to OW she got angry and left - did a lousy job of meeting his needs (and he was sooo sure that she was the only one who cared about him - she only cared about his money, sex and getting back at her husband).

NO, it hasn't been perfect but H was hiding a suicidal depression for years and this all came out when I informed him of the order. He realized that who he wanted was me, that I was the one he wanted, and that I was the only one who cared about him. He immediately went into counseling.

I don't think I could have done a long Plan A. I only waited a little over 24 hours before filing the order. I felt I needed the order to protect myself and my children but an additional benefit was that I also needed to limit his contact with me. It was too painful and as I didn't see any sign of him working on the marriage, then it was over in my eyes. I needed to move on and I wasn't going to allow my children to see anymore ugliness.