I asked H to leave last Monday, and he did. He has been with the kids a total of two hours and won't have time again until Thursday. He says I am the problem in that I cannot forgive him for the A. Can you read what I wrote to him and see what you think?
LETTER DURING PLAN B:
This is what I see:
- No desire to talk with me (“Leave me alone.”)
- No desire to be with the kids (We’d go out with the kids, I’d ask if you enjoy yourself, and you’d say “Not really.” How many times have you been to the zoo, the Children’s Museum, or the Science Museum?)
- No desire to create a home for your family (No tub for a year, no shower for a year, no basement for 18 months, the swing set not finished for a year. You didn’t want me to nag you, so I didn’t.)
- Incredible disrespect in swearing.
- Incredible disrespect in choosing to have an affair.
Now I have asked you to leave, and what do you do?
- You leave on Monday, and the kids don’t even notice until Thursday night. I am glad that you were hurt and surprised, but is it any wonder? My only time away from the kids is when I get my hair cut. You never take all of them, and I mean never. I’ve been a single mother for at least a year.
- You decided to see Rich, which I appreciate. He could only see you on Saturday night. You could have returned to the Twin Cities on Sunday morning and asked to spend some time with one or more kids. After all, you had seen them for about two hours in two weeks. Instead, you go to Eveleth to visit your brother-in-law and sister. Is football more important than your family?
- Happy hour on Monday. Your old boss’ going away Happy Hour – important to attend. Don’t Happy Hours usually end by dinner? Wouldn’t you want to spend time with the kids?
- Baseball game on Tuesday. More important than visiting with family.
- Anger management on Wednesday. More important than visiting with family.
- First contact with kids will be Thursday – you forgot about Parent-Teacher meetings, by the way.
- You spend $900 on a condo for one month instead of staying with Vern or Dennis. You ask about taking equity out of the home to buy a condo.
- You tell the kids that you did a bad thing, you are sorry, and it is up to me to forgive you. Where’s your responsibility NOW?
- You tell me you would look up Sophia if we got a divorce. How much do you regret how much you degraded yourself and hurt me and your children if Sophia is your back-up plan? I may have suspected renewed contact with Sophia, but maybe it is just wanting to be with her instead of wanting to be with me and the kids.
I have problems of my own, for sure, but it takes two to make a marriage work, and what I see is you have your priorities, family isn’t in the top ten, and you want me to be the one to end the marriage – or to give you justification to end it – so that you can say God forgives you even though I am such a Pharisee that I don’t. Please stop torturing me, make a decision, and have your actions be consistent with your decision. The problem is not my forgiveness. The problem is not the past. The problem is that you say you want to be married but don’t show it by your actions or words.
I feel absolutely horrible. It is beginning to dawn on me by having H away that he has been provoking me so that I feel as though I cannot get over the A when in fact he doesn't want me to get over the A. Can anyone comment? Am I reading this right by his actions?
