Over the 8 weeks my husband has been gone (total surprise..just an announcement one morning..no longer loves me..unhappy..leaving), I haven't handled it well. I've been extremely emotional (love of my life..thought we were happy) and confrontational, as well as pleading, begging...the whole 9 yards. Tried to educate, convince him he was throwing away so much, 2 kids..good life..should try again. H has no interest and says there's no feelings, never will be.

I've been reading the books re Needs and Plan A/B. I decided this weekend to implement Plan A and last night when my husband brought the kids home from a weekend at the in-laws cottage I decided to start plan A. I was very nice, interested, calm, etc. He seemed to appreciate it but still looked at me with no interest and like I was an acquaintance he just met.

Today I sent him an apology note for a note I'd sent Friday (in response to an 'ugly' note he'd sent me). I apologized for the note sounding so defensive, realize now it would upset him. I then told him how I enjoyed talking to him last night and appreciated how much better it was talking calmly. I also thanked him for helping me to figure out a car problem this week and that it took a load of my mind. I then said at the end of the note 'love, Kim'. He sent me back a reply that said only 'YEAH RIGHT!' I have no idea what that meant.

In another note I'd sent earlier, I outlined how I've made mistakes, and now improving myself and learning how to handle things better..meeting his needs is now my priority, etc etc. I told him I know he has no feelings for me but just wanted to let him know I was here. I went into detail re plan A..ie..how I haven't met his needs, and they will now be my priority and can he forgive me for my past mistakes, etc. At the end I told him I loved him and missed him. It was a very long note, but thought out very well. Well..this morning I get a note back saying 'NOT TO SEND HIM CRAP LIKE THAT AGAIN'. He said he's pissed off at my earlier note and really mad at me. I replied that I'm really sorry I upset him but have now learned after 8 weeks of a very emotional time for me how to handle the situation better and I was sorry and would work on being better. He said he's really mad at me and that's it.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN? ARE THEY AFRAID WHEN THEY GET INPUT FROM THEIR BS THAT IS NICE AND KIND? SHOULD I JUST TRY TO IGNORE HIS HURTFUL (AND UNDESERVING) REPLY? I ALREADY FEEL DEPRESSED AND SAD AND WONDER IF IT'S WORTH IT. PLAN A SEEMS TO BE ONE OF TOTALLY TAKING 100% OF THE BLAME, AND THEN HAVING TO PUT UP WITH BEING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP.

Sorry that was all in caps...I just wanted to get someone's attention. It wouldn't surprise me if he left work, drove here and just freaked out at me because of how mad he is.

Please someone write back if they've been through this. Thanks!

kimmy1...

My H spent 6-8 months ANGRY @ me, himself, the world!

Keep on, keeping on... the important thing is that YOU CANNOT educate him on what you are doing... just do it... and yeah, a kinder, gentler you WILL tee him off... my H used to say "Why did I have to have an affair for you to change?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just remember... plan A is about focusing on YOURSELF... making changes that make YOU happy... for them to be true changes...they MUST be done for YOU, not to get H to return to the marriage... REMEMBER, DON'T talk about what you are doing... JUST DO IT!

Cali

Cali. Thanks for reply. I feel so depressed. I honestly feel like this is the worst day so far and he is so mad at me now that he's even more determined to end our marriage. I can imagine him making a lawyer appointment as we speak.

Yes, I know Plan A is for myself, and I'm trying. I just don't know why my husband gets mad at me. I mean..if he was in my shoes, married 14 years (thinking it was a happy marriage) and then just announcing one day he no longer loved me and was leaving..does he think he'd just say "oh..okay then, have a nice life". Does he not realize that we are going through a HUGE emotional devastating time and we can't just be like a Stepford wife to make it easier on them? How can someone who told you he loved you for so long treat you so cruelly and painfully? Do they not realize the pain we go through inside?

I feel like I am fighting for my marriage, but also my life here, and I feel it's hopeless. I'll keep trying Plan A, and continue to be nice but I honestly am worried now that when he's here tomorrow night to get the kids he will hate me even more and there is no hope.

My husband tried so hard at first to be angry with me. He also did a lot of very mean things to make me angry so I would yell or react. The longer you stay calm and do not react to his anger, the safer he will feel. He is trying to justify his actions by convincing himself YOU are worse. My husban never yelled until I got calm and did not react. He has now told me that he was angry at himself. Hang in there, it is like a tennis match in your brain - back and forth, but be strong and focus on yourself. You will be better and stronger regardless what he does <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do they not realize the pain we go through inside? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where do you think the ANGER is REALLY coming from? He is mostly mad at HIMSELF... feeling GUILTY... so all of these emotions are manifested as ANGER towards you...

copswifebetrayed is soooo right on... keep as calm as you can... (no need to be nicey, nicey, btw... just express YOUR anger as productively and non-LB, as you can...)

Cali

Thanks, Cali. I will continue to go with Plan A, and I know all the hurtful, angry things he's said to me are to justify his guilt. However, I still feel doomed. Especially if there is no A and I'm just speculating as that means the ONLY reason is me that he's unhappy, not because he's in an A and so is in the 'fog'.

I honestly feel he has gone so far the other way that for him to ever backtrack and find love for me again seems impossible. The first day he told me he was unhappy with me he told me not only did he not love me anymore, he didn't even like me. Then that story changed to, I'm a nice person, he just doesn't love me. But..of course we remember every hurtful, cruel word. Since then it's just more and more cruel words and I wonder why on earth do we even give them a chance? Why would we want to? Am I so pathetic that I would allow someone who has hurt me so badly to come back to me??!!! Does it really make sense. I will continue to be calm though, and hopefully it will make me feel calm eventually.