Hi,

Do I need a Plan B letter here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=001893;p=2#000022

Regards Neil.

Bumping for more advice.

Let me see if I got this right. You've filed for divorce and are still considering implementing plan B? Usually a plan B preceeds any divorce, so I don't know what you hope to accomplish if in fact you've already started divorce proceedings. Plan B is the last attempt to save a M by removing yourself from the cake walking WS and letting the OP fill all the WS's EN's. Either you committ yourself to give one last effort to save the M via plan B or you committ to terminate the M via divorce. Which is it for you Neil?

OK let me clarify CoffeeMan.

I have discussed at length with my Solicitor filing for Divorce. I have discussed at length what I am willing to do financially for my wife. I have written the latter down and discussed it with my wife and she has verbally agreed it.

But I have not actually filed yet. I don't think I am ready/can. So I am in this sort of limbo. I have started to try and NOT see my wife. I.e. to try a Plan B approach for a few weeks/months to see what happens.

She is very confused, crying all the time according to my kids, etc etc, trying to keep herself out of hospital. I have not sent a Plan B letter. My thread above advised not doing it as the Lawyers were involved.

I only see my Wife briefly to pick up the kids from her at 7pm each day and then not to talk to. I have not instigated any contact (which is very hard).

So I am think I should Plan B for awhile and see before I file? Views?

Neil.

Ok Neil I think I got a handle on your situation.

If you are not ready to file, then don't file. Only YOU will know if and when the time is right to file.

Remember that Plan B letter is essentially a 'no-contact-with-WS-love-letter explaining to her that until she comes back to work on the M, that you will no longer be a part of the triangle.

As far as your WW's confusion is concerned, it MAY be just a manipulative tool to have her cake and eat it too OR a genuine feeling of not knowing what is the right thing for her to do. Since you are the only one that has all the pertinent facts in your case, then you are the only one to judge which of the two is it.

I know you are faced with making hard choices that you are reluctant to make, but I also must point out that NOT making a choice is also a choice and it may not be to your liking in the long run.

I am not sure a Plan B letter would actually make much difference. I have verbally told her that I cannot be part of her triangle and I have verbally told her that there is no us whilst she is living with OM2.

I suppose a letter i something that she could keep referring too. I am talking to Steve Harley on Monday. This will be one of the things that I shall ask.

As to any hope, well I suppose I am still looking for that. I am looking for hope in the things that the girls say. There isn't much there truth be told. Her anger is so great.

Neil.

The main benefits that I would see from a Plan B letter would be to 1)reiterate your love for her and your willingness to still work on the marriage, 2)to determine the conditions to her returning as just living with you will not be enough for you, (this would also help you figure out exactly what YOU want), 3)as you said, it is something she could continually refer to as opposed to relying on her confused state to remember what you said.
It will be interesting to see what Steve says.
God Bless Neil.

I am not ready to do a Plan B yet, Steve H showed me that. But I am changing for the better for me and the girls.

If my W continues to hurt me like she is doing I will probably have to move to Plan B in the future because my love is drying up slowly.

Neil.

And I have told her that I will keep going as long as I can but that I also have to protect my feelings for her or my love will die entirely.

Each day I'm concentrating on doing something just small for her, letting her know whats going on, that I am here to support, that I want her home, that I am open to options and that I love her.

Neil.

We had another blow up last night on the phone.

The girls were very very upset. They hate having to see OM2, they hate the situation. They come home and cry and cry. I couldn't get them to stop crying, they wanted to talk to their mum. I got them to phone her and she said I was using them to manipulate her. That they had been "fine" with her. Of course they had, they no longer share how they feel with her, they tell me when they get home.

She just went on and on at me about how I threw her out (she said she was moving in with OM2!), how I didn't give her any money (she had $8000 they are both living off the next day!), I didn't support etc etc. She didn't like it when I said that she had run away and was trying to live a no responsibility Fantasy. I said to her that she was breaking me, she said I was breaking her...

I told her that I can't keep seeing her or talking to her. I thought I could do Plan A but really I think I am dealing with something much more than a marriage breakdown, I am beginning to think this is BPD. Of course she says I'm ill not her. The girls are with her this weekend and I'm alone so I feel pretty low. I'm thinking that Plan B would be a bette approach, just faster than Steve H suggested?

Neil.

I think you should keep going with Plan A.

Remember that Plan A is about you. #1 thing is making you a better person. Work on changing you and let your WW see that. Second to that is also not LoveBusting. Don't argue with your wife. Don't have any blow ups. Thirdly is lots of patience.

You should only Plan B if you cannot Plan A without LBing and/or you're lovebank is nearly empty.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Perhaps when things/she seems to really be getting to you, you can take a break from it all with exercise, a new hobby, an old hobby, hanging out with the guys, taking on more responsibilities at work, taking a mini vacation, etc. Do stuff for you to take your mind off things.

Also, if you do end up in the middle of a conversation with WW and she is fuming mad. Diffuse the anger by not retaliating. Instead just listen calmly. Be a good listener. Tell her you respect and understand that that is how she feels. Ask her summary type questions for clarification to show you are listening. Don't raise your voice.

good luck with Plan A. it's aint easy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />