I've been in Plan A for 6 months now. My husband has had no contact for 4 months with the OW, and after reading Private Lies and With the time that has passed, he does realize that a component of their affair was romantic-type love, and based on those types of feelings. However, he is still not sure if he will stay home or leave to be with her. He is in the process of making that choice with our counselor based on his ideas of what their relationship would be like, what ours is, and what his ideal would be. He hopes to make a decision in the next 2-4 weeks.<P>What I am wondering is this.......I have had such strong feelings of rejection and being undesirable through this whole thing, that I'm concerned about how those feelings might play out if he chooses to stay with me. I don't want to harbor resentment or develop hatred, but am concerned about that possibility. I plan to talk to our counselor about this if he chooses to stay. Just wondered if anyone else had experience with it.<P>~Jenn

The inner resentments are hard to no have. You need to continue counseling and deal with them or even if he decides to stay it could be harmful to recovery. I know what you're saying.

Jenn,<BR>I am not advanced enough through my own pain to be able to offer good sound advise. What I can tell you is that I know how you feel and I hope and pray that all will work out for you. I also had strong feelings of rejection and being undesirable. Why did he want her and not me? My husband is home and trying hard to rebuild our marriage, some days I am all for it and some days I can't stand the visions in my head of him touching her. I think as bad as it sounds the fact the his affair went on for so long was a good thing for me at discovery because the affair was already winding down and my H had already made up his mind that he did not want to lose his family. Had discovery been during the heated beginning of the affair my H would not be so willing I'm sure....it went long enough for their true colors to show through. Please just remember this while your H is so confused. When a spouse leaves for an affair the relationship rarely works out. My heart is with you.

First of all, I think it is odd that a counselor is trying to help him "decide" who he wants. Obviously, not a counselor that puts marriages first. I've read here that Harley has a very high success rate. Is there any chance your husband would talk to Harley? Your counselor should be helping you two to make your marriage the "ideal" instead of feeding into some fantasy your H might have with the OW. Just my opinion. Sure, your H might not be happy with the way your relationship is now. So the counselor just lets him think it is ok to chuck your marriage if he has "feelings" for the OW. Yuck! Run, don't walk away from this counselor if you can.

I don't see that much success on this forum. I feel that his success is in his approach of making the betrayed feel ultimately responsible for all the failures before the affair and during recovery, I also allows the betrayed to feel successful if the marriage works, but the betrayed feels failure if the marriage fails.<P>He is doing nothing but catering to our selfish egos.<BR>