Hey everyone. I had been posting on "recovery" but it was a mistake, obviously, so I'll post it here and hope users are quite the same on both boards...
Here's shortly what happens. My husband had been seeing a gf after we separated, but he thought with my advice it was best to hold on things with her while we see if we can repair anything in our relationship. First so that he wouldn't mistake what he feels for her and the need for support. Then because we can't be the best parents for our daughter with resentment. At least let's recover the friendship, we thought, and maybe that will lead to something more, I hoped.
My husband doesn't know what he wants. When he asked the gf for some time, she said no. It was either going or leaving. So he said we can't go on. And came home promising me we would try our best for our friendship and he wouldn't refrain from anything more that might come. We promised total honesty, specially regarding any contacts (hopefully none) with his gf.
We have been great. Going out, talking, even making love a lot of times, with great sex, best than ever. But last week he seemed changed, specially when there was the opportunity of him having a full afternoon for himself (he usually stays with our daughter) but then my parents were also having problems and couldn't keep her. So he resented me, when it wasn't my fault. Well, he spent the weekend with us as usual, sleeping over and all (forgot to say we're separated?), not that I asked him to do it, but because he wanted to. Saturday afternoon I had to lay down with my baby for nap and I dreamed he was saying he didn't wanna have sex with his gf, he wanted to marry her. I was upset and told him about the dream. He dismissed the case quickly, simply saying I shouldn't think about that, that he didn't even know if he'd ever talk to her again.
I let it go. But Sunday night, he was already assleep, my mind wouldn't go away from his cell phone, just sitting in the kitchen. I had to see it. How I regret (and maybe not?) coz what I found hurt me so much. A message from her, sent the previous wednesday, saying her address and then "I will wait for you" and a second message from her saying "did I do wrong sending that message, it feels like I did". That night he had slept with me, so obviously he wasn't with her. I can only imagine she was going back on her statement of not waiting for him.
I needed to know the truth, so I told him I had dreamed something more about her and that I kept thinking about the feeling I had something might be going on behind my back. He denied it all. All the time. I don't wanna say I saw the message, but I've hinted that possibility back and forth and that's when he denies more. Like he knows he's hurting me and he likes it.
He's been on withdrawal and so was I until I found this site. Now I feel I am on withdrawl and I don't see how I can continue plan A (only 2 weeks of it). I feel like going on to plan B and the hell with it all.
I need some advice, something to give me strength, I don't know. I am about to go home and face him again, he needs to sleep there tonight but it won't be pleasant, my stomach keeps turning and I don't feel like seeing him, let alone sleep with him. He says I didn't trust him, so I violated our agreement, but I know he violated it much more. What do you think??? HELP!

M

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

OMG Duped, your story is terrible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
One thing that happens on these boards is we always find someone in a worse position than we are, isn't it? That makes me feel bad for all of us, I wish we wouldn't be here for such reasons. I am feeling very depressed today. I'm sorry.
I need to make an appointment to get antidepressants, or else I can't keep up with plan A. Last night I was so worried about going home, but I managed to "behave" and we didn't talk about our problem (me snooping, him lying). While he showered, he left his cell phone on the table for me to see I think, so I did, he had erased all messages and her phone number. LOL I already know a lot about her, I don't need that anymore. But that also made me realise I need to make him confident again, or else I won't be able to find out anything in the future. He's not at home anymore so it's pretty hard to know what he's been doing.
When he went to bed he hesitated between leaving the cell phone on or turn it off. I got up, held his hands and told him "I haven't snoop and I won't snoop, I trust you". He believed me, I could see. Was I wrong to lie? Telling him I snooped would be a HUGE LB right now and would take us back to a worse position than when we started this. (I started, he still runs like a fish, in fact that's his zodiac sign: Pisces).
So I decided to continue plan A, no matter what. I need more time at this, I need to learn more and become better at this. At least until the end of October, when he said we would decide what to do. I don't think I'll like that, but if we start plan B by then, at least plan A will have 2 months.
I prepared his breakfast, with special coffee (he's addicted to it), sandwiches, cookies, and a sweet note thanking him for staying there for the night. He needed to stay there because his mom had a sister for a night, but then she didn't come and my husband said he just stayed so I wouldn't be upset. In fact, I think he stayed to give me the reassurance I had asked for in the beginning of the week, so I told him that and thanked him for that. In the morning, he had left long ago, I got a message on my cell phone, from him, thanking breakfast and saying that he loved it and wishing me a nice day. That was something we had been discussing about, when I wake up I miss him a lot, so usually I send him sweet messages and he replies. But when he doesn't, I start LBing and that had happened yesterday.
I am so far from being good at this! But I am trying and with this man LBing is so easy - almost everything he does makes me wanna LBing and almost everything I did usually is a LB to him. I don't feel in love, he is very quiet by nature, he will be present in body but not in heart, he is determined in his idea to go live by himself, I can't even get him home as an experience for new approaches (with MB ideas) because he says he'll simply acomodate and he refuses to do that. I say I won't let him acomodate, but he won't trust me. I tell him Dr. Harleys theories, because he won't read what I've printed from the site, but he says I speak of it like "some sort of religion" (?) and he does not believe anything will work! One day at a time, I just need to focus on this...

Last night I told my husband what's been bothering me lately: that he's making a lot of withdrawals from my Love Bank lately by not talking to me, by not telling me deliberatly where he's been or who he talked to during the day (he had agreed to Radical Honesty, now he says he «Doesn't Have To Do Anything» because we're separated = to him not married anymore). I told him I fear not being able to recover when he does decide to work on this marriage. And since he "still don't know", he migtht wanna be more careful with such little things.
He had said "we'll work on our friendship and see how it goes and on the last day of October we'll decide what to do". Yesterday he said: "I don't know if we'll need to wait that long to decide anything, this might be solved before; or after; I don't know if I will be able to make up my mind in the end of October".
Is this the most selfish guy on Earth or what? It makes me so mad to hear him assume *he* will decide what is *our* future!!! I feel like an idiot, waiting for crumbs, waiting for my life to move on, while he only thinks of himself! We have a small child in arms, whose life is seriously affected by each and every day we are in this limbo, and he won't take a minute to think about her (let alone about ME)...
Boy I bet I sound so totally green on this for you all *experts* but this is how I feel and I've been so forward speaking my whole life it is even harder to swallow and give him a happy face and all he wants and needs (for now). I do fear my resentment, oh I do!