I am a marriage coach. And I am passionate about what I do. I will use every bit of the energy and talents I've been blessed with to help my clients save their marriages.

I read your stories and my heart aches for each and every one of you. But more than that, I hurt for your children. Because I have been where you are, and I didn't do the things I could have to save my own marriage. Daily, I see the damage caused by my misguided beliefs that leaving an unsatisfactory marriage would be better for everyone involved. I was wrong.

I was the WS in my first marriage. I had an affair with my husband's best friend, the man who stood as witness to our marriage before god, family, and friends. And worse than that, I didn't just fall into an affair as so often happens, I decided to have one.

We married very young; I was barely 19, and pregnant. We went on to have 6 children and to start what became a successful business. What we didn't do, was take care of our marriage.

My husband was and still is a workaholic. He regularly spent about 90 hours a week at our business or at another part time job. In the early years I complained about his absence, my loneliness and frustration with all of the home and family responsibilities. To no avail. As the years went on, I compensated by becoming involved in community activites, enjoying time with my friends, taking care of our children and home, and by being an active partner in the growth of our business.

It hurt that my children didn't have a father who was there for them. He didn't take the time to go fishing, play ball, or just be with the kids…. 5 of whom are boys. But still, my children lived in a secure home where they had 2 parents who loved them. Two parents who took pride in their accomplishments, were concerned about their school performance, and who loved them as only a parent can.

My daughter was on the fast track to a college degree. In the state where we lived, she was able to take college courses for credit during her junior and senior years. We saved regularly for the kids' future educational needs.

We lived quietly in one of the better neighborhoods of a small Midwestern town. We bought an older house, but one with a lot of history attached to it. We loved it. In fact, we had lusted after it for years when we were struggling with starting our business and with being able to buy bread and milk. Success was sweet.

As business owners, we enjoyed some benefits of involvement in a small town's economic health. Oh….. we didn't do the country club thing…. but if we needed a loan for business or personal reasons, a phone call to the VP at the bank and it was pretty much a done deal. We were well known and well thought of in the community.

Life was not perfect. But it was good. My children had a stable home and a chance to make the best of their futures. I had a home I loved, a business that afforded me personal satisfaction, and a husband who loved me deeply.

And then I threw it away. My affair lasted nominally 4 months. Six weeks really before it started to fall apart. And when it was over, all I could think of was that I didn't want to be married.

Somehow in the fog I thought I could keep all the goodies of being married and just lose the husband. It doesn't work that way. I was locked out of our business. My credit rating was trashed. I went from a very comfortable income to trying to support 6 kids on a little more than $1000. a month. And worst of all, my kids suffered.

Until you see the horror and the pain on their faces when they hear that mom and dad won't be together any more, you have no idea. It's been nearly 6 years, and that scene is carved indelibly into my memory. And it doesn't get better.

During the time we were separated, before the divorce, I began a relationship with the man who is now my husband. Yes, I know, that makes it affair number 2 for me. I didn't know about MB at the time, and I didn't see it that way then. I do now. If I had, I wouldn't have done it, but it doesn't change the fact of what is.

I moved my children 200 miles away from their home, their friends, and their father, to live with my new boyfriend. It was horrific. He was not suited to being a committed partner or a parent.

I was so arrogant and so blind that I thought loving someone would make it all ok. It doesn't. Those of you who have children and think that someone else can be a parent to them, you are wrong. No one can take the place of the mother or father of your children.

No one else will look at them with the same pride and joy when they bring home that first paper on their first day of Kindergarten or when they walk up the aisle in a cap and gown after battling through years of homework. No one else will understand the need to be there for them in the night when they wake from a bad dream. Very few will look at you and your child with love when he climbs onto your lap, face and hands covered with peanut butter and jelly. No other man or woman will have the biological drive to see that your children succeed in life. Not all biological parents do those things either. I understand that. But it's virtually guaranteed that a step parent will not.

Let me tell you where my children are today. My daughter who is now 21 works in a low paying job. Her brilliant educational career was halted by the fact that the money for her education dried up in the divorce. She has been through 2 long term relationships that have ended miserably. And she has 2 incurable STD's.

My son who is 19 barely finished HS, spent a year doing drugs and as accessory to dealing. He works nights in a low paying job, and has no plans or desire to go to school. His outlook on life is that it is painful and that nothing good will ever come to him. My son who is 17 struggles with school and relationships. He has anger issues, and is distrustful of people and situations.

My 11yo is extremely gifted academically and in sports. He had no dad there to watch him last spring when he received the highest academic award given in the US. And there is no man in his life cheering him on or discussing sports plays with him. No man to help him perfect his catching, passing, batting technique. My 9yo is the sweetest kid I know. He is a very talented student and one of the most sensitive children. He always looks sad. He misses his dad.

My youngest is 7. He was a contented happy go lucky baby. But all of this began when he was less than 2. His life has been constant disruption and loss. Today he is beset with anger issues, enormous amounts of fear and insecurity, and problems in school relating to other kids.

Would they have had these problems anyway, if our marriage had stayed together? It's possible. But the reports and the statistics all show that kids of divorced parents are disadvantaged throughout the rest of their lives. They suffer academically and socially. Their future relationships are less satisfying and more likely to end than those of children raised in homes with both biological parents.

I have the studies and the statistics, if you're interested. Would they have changed my mind when I was hell bent on ending my marriage? No. And I doubt they will change yours. Which is why I wrote this. My hope is that by sharing some of my pain and heartbreak, maybe …. just maybe…. you'll decide to go back to work on your marriage with renewed energy.

Call Steve or Jenn, call a coach, get help. No matter how bad it seems, or how long it's been since you felt those feelings of love for your spouse, there is hope. MB works, if you get educated and follow the steps.

Last night I woke up next to my husband. A man who loves me very much. A man who has worked his heart out to be the husband I need. And all I could think is, "I want to go home. I want my life back." I don't love my ex-husband. I don't even like him. I haven't for many years. Reconciliation is not an option. But had I known 6 years ago, what I know today, had I been able to see into the future to the pain I would cause across the lives of so many who are dear to me, well, I would have done things differently.

You still can. Don't give up. Get help from someone who know what they're doing. Believe me the cost is far less than the money you will spend on a divorce attorney. And the emotional savings cannot possibly be calculated.

Blessings to you….

Hi Joan. Your story was very interesting and heartbreaking..thanks for sharing.

Assume you've read through the website and know the MB philosophies we're all using hoping to improve ourselves and our relationships..but wanted to ask...if you're a marriage coach, what do you suggest? Obviously we're all trying very hard if we're on this site, but any extra tip is always welcome.

Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kimmy1:
<strong>Hi Joan. Your story was very interesting and heartbreaking..thanks for sharing.

Assume you've read through the website and know the MB philosophies we're all using hoping to improve ourselves and our relationships..but wanted to ask...if you're a marriage coach, what do you suggest? Obviously we're all trying very hard if we're on this site, but any extra tip is always welcome.

Thanks.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Kimmy. Yes, I've read the website. I also own multiple copies of all the books Bill Harley has written. With the exception perhaps of The Four Gifts of Love.... I bought those as gift books. I've been studying Harley's work in depth for more than 6 years. I use it exclusively in my coaching practice. It works, if you are willing to follow the program.

My first suggestion is to get to an MB weekend. Yeah, they're spendy. I've been to one, and then I did it all over again as the class for MB coach certification. But it is far less expensive than a divorce... mine cost more than $20,000. and the business settlement isn't final yet.

Beginning in about 12 weeks, MB will have mentors available to the attendees of the weekends if the couples need more help staying on track with the assignenments. These would be the members of the workshop I attended in July. I'll be one of them. I won't kid you, the work load is heavy. But the results are well worth it.

If you can't do that, then order the HN/HN and LBers tape sets, and do the suggested assignments. It's the same lesson plan as the weekend, only without hearing Harley's motivational input to get you jump started.

At the very least, read and re-read HN/HN and LBers. Use a highlighter. Mark the thing that jump out at you, and go back to them later. Do the questions at the end of the chapters.

And finally, come here to get support for following through on the written material. Use the forum as a support system, but not as a what to do. Many posters are excellent, and know the concepts inside and out. Many don't. Be sure you do.

MB works. It's a 3 legged approach.

1. Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
2. Become an expert at meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs.
3. Work together to create a lifestyle that makes you both happy at the same time, using POJA.

All the rest falls into those categories. It takes hard work, dedication and more than good intentions to eliminate habits that destroy romantic love, and to create habits that enhance romantic love. It is possible.

JoA

Hi
Your post made me cry as I realize in advance what is to come if we do get a divorce. I feel just about the same as my husband, who's been in withdrawal for a while, but I understand nothing will ever be so important as making this work. If only I could make him see that... That insight Dr. Harley speaks about...
Just this week I wrote a letter to my husband, saying something like this: "Will our daughter be happy with divorced parents? Sure, she can be. But will she be happier than with her parents together and a good marriage? NO. Will either one of us be happy with someone else? I bet we can do it. But I don't think either one of us can be happier with someone else than with each other. Sure it takes time and effort, but it will be worth it."
Before I found out about MB, my daughter was calling her dad, who was in the living room, and I thought he wasn't hearing, my heart was broken, I just wispered to her "dad isn't here, dad is taking care of himself" (I know I was so wrong, but I wasn't thinking, just feeling all the pain). And he came from behind me, saying "I am here, I will always be her dad". I told him "no, her dad will be here in the middle of the night to scare away the monsters, that's who her dad will be". He was kinda shocked, but somehow he won't see the whole meaning of it. This makes me sooooooooo sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ((
I am still trying and will try, I will not let this happen so easily. My daughter deserves it, I believe I deserve it and I have faith in my husband's future insight. I hope I won't be wrong. Anyway, thanks for reassuring us (me) that Dr. Harley's concepts do work. It means a lot for someone on a tough plan A like me. Thanks again.

Kya,

Is your husband having an affair?
What Harley books do you have? "Surviving an Afair" is a must read if you are in that situation.

Remember, Plan A is a strategy to separate the spouse from the lover. Plan B is to protect you from further pain.

I would highly reccomend that you read MTD's thread here at PA/PB. There's excellent info on those strategies there.

JoA

JoA
Yes, he says he started the affair when he moved out of the house, but I don't believe him because I found some messages from the other woman saying "I love you more each day" and I don't think anyone would say such a thing after 3 or 4 dates, like he said they had.
He's saying he doesn't want to solve our marriage, only wants to solve things with me, as to end this marriage with a good relationship for our daughter's sake. Of course I agreed to this, as I am in Plan A and I hope to bring him back this way. I'm not too confident it will work, though, I feel we will have to go to Plan B and let him get out of the fog with his A.
I am not american, I am portuguese, I found this site through a support group on Yahoo. So I have no way to buy Dr. Harley's books, except online, but right now I have financial problems and can't afford that either. I read and printed everything I found on this site and it seems to be helping me a lot.
I believe your story, that's what I see lying ahead if we give up. I printed your post and took home for him to read. He did but I don't know what he thinks yet. I think it might have opened his eyes a bit, as he was quite sweet today, but I will know more when I go home in a few hours.
I have told him a lot of times I'm no more in love with him than he is with me, but I am willing to try, to make an affort, and only quit if we can't succed. Dr. Harley's method sounds perfect to me, it makes a whole lot of sense, so I am willing to devote myself to this. I was willing to quit when I found out about this site. It even made me feel bad, the first few days, because I was doubting wether I should make myself vulnerable and try or continue to quit. I thought this would be the inteligent way, the other one the apparently simple way, but way more painful in time. And there's my baby to think of. I will get my strenght from her and will not give up until it's time.
My problem now is I've been trying very hard to make deposits in his Love Bank, not LBing, but he's not reacting as much as I thought he would, instead he's actually making large withdrawals from MY Love Bank and I fear so much I won't be able to recover and work on this marriage once Plan B succeeds (if it does). Maybe I'm jumping steps here, should live one day at a time, but still it's very tough.
Thanks for your testimonial anyway. It was important to me and I'm betting it made a diference to what my husband thought his life would be with that "easy way out" he's thinking divorce will be.

Joan, your story is truly heartbreaking. Hopefully it will inspire those who read it not to give up on their M's. I have just recently seen my own W come out of the fog to finally make a committment to our M. Thank you for having the courage to post your story here. It deeply affected me, and I'm sure others will feel the same.

Joan,
I am not trying to be difficult, but, there are areas that you have not considered when you state that "all marriages are worth saving" I've stated on other threads why I think so, in accordance to those threads.

I will comment here also,

My H will not do counseling

He takes pride in being the source of my unhappiness. However, I have removed that power from him. I will not allow him to verbally disrespect me. I walk away when he starts. However, that does not change him, and he is teaching our children that it is okay to be disrespectful. My children have tried to talk to me the way their dad does. So, what we now have is a new generation of kids who when adults will be disrespectful to their spouses if I allow this to continue. I have told my H he is disresctful, and he does not see it, and will not change. He was raised this way. His mother who claims to be a "christian" gets a kick out of humiliting people.

I believe for the right M, yes, they are worth trying to save, but don't generalize all M

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
Joan,
I am not trying to be difficult, but, there are areas that you have not considered when you state that "all marriages are worth saving" I've stated on other threads why I think so, in accordance to those threads.

I will comment here also,

My H will not do counseling

He takes pride in being the source of my unhappiness. However, I have removed that power from him. I will not allow him to verbally disrespect me. I walk away when he starts. However, that does not change him, and he is teaching our children that it is okay to be disrespectful. My children have tried to talk to me the way their dad does. So, what we now have is a new generation of kids who when adults will be disrespectful to their spouses if I allow this to continue. I have told my H he is disresctful, and he does not see it, and will not change. He was raised this way. His mother who claims to be a "christian" gets a kick out of humiliting people.

I believe for the right M, yes, they are worth trying to save, but don't generalize all M</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sue,
I'm sorry your husband refuses all attempts at counselling or at making the changes necessary for you to be happy. Yours is a case where I would highly suggest separation to preserve the love you have. Hopefully he would choose to reconsider his position.

I said I believe all marriages are worth saving, and I said that not all are possible. There's a differenece. But I an a firm believer that using the MB strategies.. ALL of them.... increases your chances of success exponentially.

JoA

JoA: You seem so sure that marriages can be saved if we work hard. Can you read my thread in this forum (posted tonight) and tell me if you think there's any hope at all of my H being interested. If you are a coach, you must have experience of a situation like mine to draw from. I appreciate any comments. Thanks.