Arrgh, I keep doing this guarded Plan A only to get beaten up verbally by WW again and again that it makes me want to do Plan B. I have no idea how low my LB is just that its low.

I then rest abit and a day later think I can do Plan A again instead only to get knocked once more.

Is it normal during Plan A to constantly flucuate like this? It's very tiring.

Neil.

I think it is probably normal. I've often thought that way.

It may be helpful for you to set a time frame/limit for how long you will continue with Plan A. Say in 6 months if you have no positive results from your WW, then go to Plan B. I things seem to be getting better, try another 6 months of Plan A. (I would, however, talk with the Harleys before going into Plan B.)

I have been trying to do Plan A since June. I find exactly the same problems. We get on very well then suddenly out of the blue I get verbal pressure - blamed for everything bad in house or WS's life. I suspect this happens after speaking to OP or WS recently divorced friend. I try to react positively but it does grind me down. If I lose sleep it is more difficult to handle and I think seriously about doing Plan B. If things go well and I get my sleep I can handle Plan A quite easily. I would like to run Plan A for a lot longer.

John

I really don't think I am able to wait that long.

My WW is saying she no longer loves me, is not interested in me. She is happier now than she has ever been. Of course she doesn't want to hear the bad things that the kids are suffering etc.

I am now the villain. Her mind has turned everything around. I threw her out, no money etc etc. My Lovebank is dry. I came to realise this over the weekend. Her continual bashing of me has just made me totally low and angry. I am the only one trying to work on getting us back together. She is busy setting up her new life with OM2.

She keeps accusing me of trying to poison the girls against OM2 - I do no such thing, they simply do not like him. He represents exactly the kind of man she herself spent years convincing them to avoid. She wants the girls to make up their "own" mind about him and now that they have she doesn't like it because they don't like him. Her life is now a surreal facade, a fantasy, where he is her surrogate father protector and I now am equivalent to her previous abusers.

For my own sanity and security I feel that I must move forward with the divorce. She has said I keep threatening her with it anyway. She wants me to go ahead and divorce her. I feel very low, probably my lowest ever. Coping with this is harder than her being in the psych ward. At least there there was some hope.

I feel like I have had to suffer an A, then months of lies and deceit that I was the problem whilst the A continued, then months of suicide, blood, drinking and selfharm in hospital, then months where I was expected to be 110% aok and recovered and yet still accept irrational out of control behaviour. Because I could not do this latter point the WW left with the OM2 and I am therefore punished yet again but instead of seeing it she turns me into the villain.

Steve H said I would slide into a Plan B, I think I am there now. Not only am I there I am also thinking that I do WANT a divorce. My love is all but gone, I have tried to keep it going but when someone is so dead against you, so dead keen on making your life a misery you just want out.

I have told her that I love her but I cannot bear this painful behaviour anymore. That I will give her the divorce that she has told me to get. I have asked her to be as quick and as amicable as we can so that the children, her and I can get thru this as painlessly as possible. I wont be fighting for this anymore. I will see her as little as possible for her benefit. I have told her goodbye and that I loved her.

Sometimes it just doesn't work.

Neil.

Neil,
I know it's painful and difficult, but if you adhere to your Plan-B you will feel much better about yourself. Chances are the feelings of relief at actually getting the divorce will increase as well.

You WW sounds a lot like mine. She puts a spin on her infidelity making it sound like some kind of 'growth as a person' that she is achieving, and trivializing her betrayal.

When (as we know) being a WS is just a selfish and despicable act.

I'm going through the same thing as you. Good encounters with verbal abuse mixed in. Meanwhile WW acts childish with OM2. But think real hard, Neil; I'll bet that you know women who have turned their heads to look at you twice. You *are* worth while. Your WW's abusive attitude is to make you feel bad so you will be all broken apart with her gone. My WW tries to do the same thing and it's making her more angry and confused as to why I'm not competing for her.

Wait until your WW's real personality inadvertantly blasts OM2. You had a life and family with her and could forgive. OM2 has no such deep emotional involvement. Wait until the OM catches hell from her and still has to be everything to her when things aren't so rosy. You're a survivor, -you were her #1 choice, -he's just a johnny-come-lately OM2.

So be strong, read these boards to gain insight and strength and you will be okay. Stick to your Plan-B, it really will heal you.

Best,
L

Thanks Lopine, after more stuff last night and crying children I have now decided.

I dropped in my Marriage Certificate to the lawyers this morning with instructions to start the Divorce Paperwork.

Neil.

Hi Neil,

I don't normally post over here, but saw your message, and only wanted to add some support. As you know, I always say, I don't know anything about anything!

Obviously, your weekend by yourself didn't go so well, and I'm sorry you have had to come to this painful decision. Although I am probably stating the obvious, your WW is just justifying her actions and turning it against you to do so. I don't know if you've read Spacecase's thread on General Questions about "Do WS every really get it?", but it's really all about this.

Neil, you know in your heart that you have done everything possible to support her through her suicide attempts, self harming and abuse and also her A. It seems to me that you cannot do any more to help her if she is not willing to help herself, and I'm not sure when that might be. You also know that you are not poisioning the children against OM, because that could backfire on you and children are wise enough to make their own judgements about whether or not the like someone.

Anyway, I really don't know what else to say to you except, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this awful pain. Try and stay strong for yourself and the children.

Thinking of you.
Lisa

Thanks Lisa. Ever onwards. I am now going to Relate weekly for me and my recovery. That's working pretty well actually.

Neil.

I went to IC last night, and it seemed for the first time that I felt better when I came out. I suppose everything is so confusing all the time, it's hard to know where to start with it. My reason for going to IC firstly was to try and work out what craziness made me have the A in the first place.

For you, in some ways you have made the hardest decision of all, and know that your recovery and wellbeing has to come first for your sake and the childrens. Whatever, if it is helping you, that's the most important thing.

Out of interest, do you have another telephone session with Steve H fixed?

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa in London:
<strong>Out of interest, do you have another telephone session with Steve H fixed?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have had another and will probably have just one more. They have been good but of course to no avail. You cannot make it if one is so dead against it.

Neil.

I forgot to say Lisa that I have also foud "Relate" to be extremely helpful. Neil.

Hi Neil

How are you? Yes, I think Relate would be helpful, but H won't go to MC with me. So I continue to see my IC (who is relate trained).

I really think H & I need MC if things are going to work out.

Anyway, back to you, any news? As I say hope you're OK

Lisa

Not really Lisa, no news.

Kids have been in a bad way. Crying a lot, and very very tired so I am trying to get out and do alot over the weekend with them.

I keep stumbling and asking my wife what if anything we can do to repair us. She texts back that she just doesnt know what to say and that she is sorry. It defies logic and hurts so much.

The latest is that I get ask her such questions and get no reply. So I have told her that therefore I assume that she no longer wants me to talk to her. When I say that she says that she wants to stay "friends".

I cant do that. It hurts me to much to see her and not be with her. My kids have told me that she expects to buy me a birthday present in November and come to the house on Christmas day. But I cant do either things. I cant have her "dipping" into my life like that, its just to hard. The kids were devastated when I told them that. I think it was the first time they truly realised what was going on <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am expecting the draft divorce paperwork any day now, I have to feel out the gaps then it goes to court. After that is accepted she will get her copy to sign. From there on its pretty much a formality.

I wouldn't be too worried about H not going to MC at this point, it may just be that its too early. It may come later.

Best Wishes to you, hope things are calmer.

Neil.

Oh Neil, I'm so sorry for you and your kids - how old are they? Kids do understand these things, however old they are, but all I can say is that my SDs are lovely, well adjusted, happy young women, who (although deeply upset when their parents split up, well the eldest one), love the fact now that they have Lisa as their third parent, and my family as their extended family. They are great young women who love their mum, dad and me. I'm sure this doesn't give you much comfort now and how to deal with their upset as well as your own, but I think children are more resilient than any of us realise. They will be OK.

As to your WW - of course she still wants to be friends with you!!!!! All us WS think we can do that, because at the end of the day, we don't want you out of our lives for good, and the fact that this is what you are planning is scaring her. Hopefully it will shake her enough to come to her senses and give it a go with you and her children. Whatever happens between H and I, the thought of never having him in my life, as a friend, confidante etc. is a really hard concept to deal with. Of course she can't dip in and out when she feels like it. One thing H says to me is that if we were to split up, he would totally completely cut me out of his life. If I were to have contact with the girls, I would be able to make arrangements with them directly or their mum, but he has said it would be too painful for him, and he would want to get on with his life.

Funnily enough, my H and his XW spent a number of Christmas Eve/morning together for the sake of the children. My brother too spent many Christmases with his ex for the sake of the son. It may be something that in time, you can do and want to do, but now it is too difficult and painful to even comprehend that. Good sign though she doesn't see Christmas with OM though.....

Neil, all I can say is that you have made this decision - it is a really painful and difficult one, but not one that you entered into lightly. It took many long, terrible months for you to come to this decision, and for your sake and your childrens, I think you must stick to it - for now. Your WW has not shown you enough and all the time she is with OM, she will continue to hurt you and the family.

All you can do is take it day by day. Did you read Mortarman's thread? A friend bet him $1 a day that he couldn't go a day without talking to his WW!! For your sake Neil, look after you - I don't think having these conversations with her are helping you - are they?

Sorry, I'm not very good at this, but know that I am thinking of you in sunny north London this afternoon, and sending support your way, whatever you decide to do.

Lisa

Thanks Lisa, no the conversations are not really helping me, they are just me still trying to hold on.

My Wife is still ill really she admits herself that this is all she can do to keep sane. Ultimately I want her to be happy and safe, it looks as though the cost of that is me and our family unit.

I can relate to your H's view and I know you wont want to hear this but I will have to cut her out as he said. In fact I do this already. When I drop off the kids in the morning I look straight ahead and dont get out the car. I cant even bare to look at her house. When I pick them up I cant look either, nor could I go to the door and knock. I just honk my horn to get them or text message.

As for B'day gifts and Xmas, I can't do that either. I even struggle looking at her remaining things in the house. When she asked for some of the Wall Pictures (the ones I didn't want) I found that I had to give them all because in truth she had chosen them. I had to replace them rather than look at them. It may be paranoid but that's how its felt.

I am trying to get out of the daily trying, daily talking, and get into a proper Plan B but the effort just sucks you dry and you feel like trying just once more, then again, often in desperation when you are so alone late at night.

So for your sake Lisa don't enter into any separation lightly because it is very very painful.

Best wishes from Marylebone, Neil.

I don't know what to say to you Neil - expect hang in there. Yes, your wife is very ill, but as you say, you want her to be happy etc. but not just at the cost of you and your children.

I can't imagine how emotional this must be for you, but remember your daily mantra. Keep strong Neil for yourself and the children.

Take care
Lisa

The latest is that she cannot come back because I could never forgive her for her original affair. I really dont know where these things are coming from, I really dont.

I had forgiven her for it, spent months saying it would be OK. Guess it just doesn't go in.

Neil.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche S:
<strong>The latest is that she cannot come back because I could never forgive her for her original affair. I really dont know where these things are coming from, I really dont.

I had forgiven her for it, spent months saying it would be OK. Guess it just doesn't go in.

Neil.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a bunch of BS because if that were the case you would have thrown her [censored] out the door months ago. Neil, she is using this most lamest of excuses to justify her A with OM2 plain and simple, don't fall for it. Let OM fill all her EN's and just sit back and watch how fast that R disintegrates before your very eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens much more sooner than later and she calls you and begs you to let her come back in your life. But as much as you may love her, you must accept the fact that only she can decide what she wants to do with her life. Your only concern for the moment is to do the best you can to protect your children and yourself.

Thanks CoffeeM, u are as usual right.

I am going to be quiet and focussed this week and concentrate on myself and the kids.

Its hard to stay focussed on a plan B. I find myself slipping all the time.

Neil.

I have told her I am going to Plan B, then divorce.