This is my first post and I feel that it is too late however here’s my story.

My wife and I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs and have been together for 8 years.

Our marriage was always good and we have done very well both worked hard and we have a nice house it could not have been better.

About 12 mths ago she started having a affair with a married man age 38 with 2 kids, my wife is 25, she used to go to a club and spent a lot of time with him but of course I trusted her, I got suspicious on fib this year when I noticed she had been calling his work, there was other signs but I wont go into them, I finally bugged my computer and was horrified to find that they had talked together when I was a t work and it was very obvious she was having a affair with him.

That night I asked her if she was having a affair she denied it for hours then said we have nothing in common blah, I asked her to decide what she wanted but she didn’t know it took 4 days of this then she left a week later I went to talk to her and convinced her to come back, I had also told the OM wife about her husband and my wife he then dumped my wife.

She came back an all was ok not brilliant she didn’t seemed interested and didn’t really try to make it work I felt as if she hated me for stopping the affair, we sat down about 5 weeks ago to talk and I asked if she was happy and she said she was not, she admitted that the OM had called her at work and at home a couple of times she said that it was over and she thought he was being selfish calling her.

Then 2 days later she packed her things and went to her grans, I went home to my parents 300 miles away for support.

I had tried to do plan A, but I feel that the six months we had were not that good.

Then I got a call from her 4 days later she was in tears telling me she loved me and missed me, amazing I thought she had realised at last, we talked for hours then the following day I called her and again it was like it was before the affair, I went back home the following day happy and looking forward to seeing her and getting back on track. I am 28 by the way.

I went to her grans to she her expecting a big hug but she was cold something had happened I was in shock so I talked to her and asked what was wrong she said it wont work the last six mths we have both been unhappy and she was not willing to give it a try, I left I had nothing else that I could say to her.

I went to her mums and told her she was shocked she had witnessed how upset my wife was when she called me, she said that she would cal her and find out if the OM had anything to do with it, she admitted he had called her a few days ago before the call to me and today as well.

I went home then decided to go back and talk to her she did not know that I had found out the OM had influenced her decision yet again (The OM seems to be able to totally have control over my wife, her friend told me he played her like a fiddle I expect as he is older and wiser it is easy for him to do this to a young women)

I asked her if he had called she admitted he had and just said that he said he was happy where he was with his wife and kids and that’s that, she was upset but could not understand if he had dumped her again why not try our marriage again, I felt awful the call form her was amazing then we where back in the same place her not knowing what she wants, I left she said she did not want to risk this happening again in 6mths so she would not try.

Since then the last 4 weeks have just got worst she came around to our house a few days later and was being nice to me she acted a if she was missing the house and stuff but I kept strong I did not ask her to come back as she would need to mention this, she left as I felt that she just wanted me here waiting for her, while she did what she wanted, we had been close for 8yrs barley spending a day apart and at least talking every day.

I decided to tell his wife that he had meddled in my marriage again; his wife was confidant that her husband would not leave her and the kids.

I had to tell her I felt that I was at home myself and he was seeing my wife and his wife was none the wiser.

The next day my wife called very angry telling me I told you I did not leave you for him I left you because I wanted to, I realised that she was seeing him after all I had made it that bit harder she said that there was no chance of her coming back now.

I received a lawyers letter asking what the debt we had was, we had debt just bought a new house and set up a business, gosh she worked fast.

I then heard nothing from her for a few days then she wanted stuff from the house she had all her cloths so I agreed to meet and make a list, later that day while I was at work she got in to our house and took everything she wanted, so much for a list, she came to the house that night and I refused to let her in so she called the police nothing happened we talk for a few minutes I tried to pled with her that our relationship the house everything we have worked for is all going down the plug hole but she was did not care.

Since then about 12 days ago I have heard nothing from my wife or her entire family and our friends, it seems very over to me I wish it wasn’t but I have run out of options, a freind has spotted my wife with the OM so she is still seeing him.

I have decided to pack anything that she left in the house and take it to her mums I don’t want her to hate me for the sakes of hanging on to photos or whatever I want to write a letter to her to try to leave things on a good note.

I am finding it very hard it seems so final I cant believe she has not got in touch how can she get over me so fast, I have been told by friends that she got over me months ago due to the affair.

Sorry for the massive story but I have been meaning to do this for some time I have read all the posts an found them to be comforting

Thanks

Charly

I need help with a letter kinda plan b but her choich to leave and not speak to me, i said things that i did not mean as she left the last time i would like to put it in a letter to explain how i still feel i know it wont bring her back but hopefully would clear the air.

I have read all i can about plan b and seen the examples of letter my situatiion is a little diffrent has any one got any ideas on how to approach it

regards

charly

Hi

Ok here it is my plan b letter

any suggestions will be greatly appreciated i dont want it to be to soppy

Dear Wifes name,

I hope you are well? And Socks and Jett, Gucci is fine still being weird.

This is the hardest letter I've ever written. I would first like to apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I foolishly pursued my own interests I.e. the shop assuming you would simply understand and be supportive. I know that you say that you want your space and independence; I helped create a void in our marriage that allowed the affair to happen. I was too busy making money and trying to get us everything when I should have been having fun with you, I really believed that I was always there for you when you needed me. But if that isn’t so, then I was wrong, very wrong and I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for all the pain I have caused you in the last few weeks.

More than anything else in this world, I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want us to strive to grow while avoiding the same mistakes that got us to the place we find ourselves now and more than anything else, I want us to go forward together.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and
emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well.

Since this began, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted and for us to build a great life together filled with all of the things we both love.

I still want us to have a life together that’s changing and growing; one that’s built on trust and centered on each other and make the most of our lives. I love you Wifes name and I always will we both said and did things over the last few weeks that I regret deeply; I want you to be my wife. I know this hurts and you know it hurts me too. When I married you I meant what I said. I want you to be my wife and I want to grow old with you. I want us to have a lifestyle in which we will never have to separate again. I want to be your best friend and confidant, and the one person who is always there for you. I have loved you for the last 8 years with you 7 of which I think were the best years I have ever had, when we were together I was the happiest man on the planet I just hope that you can see past the last year and remember how good we have been together. I feel like I have lost part of me and of course my best friend, I so wanted to be with you and your family to help you though this tramatic time and I want you to be my best friend too. I have realized recently what is important to me and it is you I hate not knowing how you are if your happy or sad, I hope you realize that I would do anything for you as you mean the world to me.

I have tried the best that I know how to express my love for you and my desire to have you in my life as my wife again. But I don’t know what else to say. I will always be here for you and I hope you know that.

I just really needed you to know how much I still love you and how sorry I am for any mistakes that I made. They say that we should learn from our mistakes, and I know that’s true but I just wish the lesson didn’t cost so much.

I was blown away by you when we met and I love you more today than I did when we first married. I can’t sit here and say that I now know all that I need to know about relationships, but I can honestly say that I do know a lot more about friendship, honor, cherishing, being passionately creative, supportive and even simple companionship. And I think that I have been a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hoped you would be proud of to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.

I am still dedicated to make our marriage a place you will really want to be.

I f you really wanted to make a go of things again we could change everything I have realized what is important to me and its not a nice house, car and own business its you that I want.

I know that you are scared that you would just waist another 6 mths and we would be in the same place down the line I know that if you were sure that we would look back in 6 mths and see how much we have achieved, but we will never know if we don’t try.

Thank you for a wonderful 8 years, I regret nothing and in my memories I have only happiness, and love for you, strange after everything that has happened but that’s because I love you more than the last few months would ever change.

I miss the little things waking up next to you in the morning and looking forward to seeing when I am at work, its hard to imagine life without you and to be honest I never have imagined life without you just looked forward to our fantastic future that we had together, when you called me a few weeks ago when I was at my mums I felt as if all my prayers had been answered, you told me all the things I wanted to hear an dhow I wish that nothing had changed that I know you are probably still in a fog and I hope you will relies one day that I was not all bad an we did have a great life together.

I have packed all the stuff I believe you wanted, if you want anymore things just ask.

I am getting a copy made of the dolphin video, once I get it back I will let you have it I would appreciate if you could give me the smart card out of the camera and the 2 water proof ones, I ll pay and get copies made for you, if you want you can leave them at your mums and I will collect them.

Glad to hear that Wifes Bro is on the up and up, that’s good news after all.

If you ever want to talk to me you know where I am and I would be happy to help if I could

Please pass on my greetings to the family I spoke to Wifes Bro the other day I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to know how he was.

All my love forever

Charly

Charly,

Your writing is outstanding. I'm not going to offer advice on plan b topics because I'm such a rookie but I read the entire letter and it was very positive, supportive and communicated your feelings extremely well.

The first sentence seemed a little out of character for the letter's seriousness but that may be because I don't understand the references.

I am no expert on syntax but you might want to re word the following sentance, maybe add a comma so it doesn't say "It is you I hate".

"I have realized recently what is important to me and it is you I hate not knowing how you are if your happy or sad, I hope you realize that I would do anything for you as you mean the world to me."

I felt the following sentance was referring to her recent contact with OM and if so, might be to blame oriented.

" Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well."

Re-read the following sentence to make sure you want to use the grammer and syntax (relies vs. realize). Do you think using the reference to fog is a good idea? I'm not sure.

"I know you are probably still in a fog and I hope you will relies one day that I was not all bad an we did have a great life together."

I will be thinking about you and your situation and hoping you stay healthy.

Thanks my grammer is alwasy bad

the firsst sentence my wife took 2 of our dogs jett an socks i kept gucci( she is always weird)

i will change what you pointed out any more advice would be greatly recieved

cheers

charly

HI All

Strange things have happened last week after 2 weeks of no contact from my wife, her freind called and arranged to meet me after work on sat , i agreed and on sat my wife turned up instead, we had polite small talk i desperatly wanted to ask her if she had been thinking about us but i did not just acted normal she left i felt heartbroken i think she may hae just come in to see if she had any felling for me left.

I wrote her a letter expressing my fellings and the fact that i would be willing to give thinkgs another go , but my freind talked me out of giving her the letter he says it just tells her that she could walk all over me i am so confused part of me know s that she is stubbourn and i have to make the first move but then she will know i am still longing after her what next I am confused her freind is coing to see me tomight i dont want to look as if i have moved on cos i have not but how should i act as if everything is ok ?

Wow, Very daring of your W to setup that meeting like that. To me it shows your Plan B is working. I'm starting to think this friend you mention who you also plan to see tonight is a spy for your wife. I'm no expert on plan B but if you think this friend is giving information to your W about you and your feelings then it may jeopordize or at least prolong the effectiveness of Plan B. I hope others offer suggestions. The other worry I have is that you are also using this friend as a spy to tell you what your wife is thinking. Tell us more about this friend and the role/contact they have with you both.

I meet our freind her freind the other night she wanted to tell me the score so i would move on all seems very very final my wife has got a new job at the weekend she also says if i try to divorce her and for adultry she will denie it i presume just to stoip the OM getting any hassle as all aour freinds and parents know the score, i sopke to my solicitor i cant deviroce her for adultry unless i have proof the proof i have is not enough,

I dont know 100% if i can trust her feind but she seemed genuine on one hand she was saying dont wait for her she wont come back then on the other hand she said that my wife was telling so many lies ( i think to hide the fact she is still seeing the om as all her family and her freind would be very unhappy if she was ) they were very hurt full things she was telling me but i want to know and i knew that her freind would know the score it seems that my wife has changed into some one totally diffrent she has become very brave and thinks she can do anything.

I think i have to move on know its over and thats that no positives have come from any of her parents or her freind she as far as they are concerned has left the marrage because it was dead and not to see the OM and she will not come back its over. i have not given her the letter as her freeind said she would love to know i am still wainting for her.

cheers
charly

anyone got any ideas, i hav given up on ny chance of reconcillation now seems she has moved on is that possible seems so hard for me yet she is fine.

can some one please help me to understand the latest events

charly

bhearted, I'm going to try to define what happened (friend calling the surprise meeting, etc.) Then I'll go on to the letter and follow up.

Affairs die out nearly every time. They don't last. Why? Because they aren't *real* relationships to begin with. An affair has no lasting substance. What happened with your W is a lot like my situation: by not seeing you for 12 days she was 12 days with OM and *he* was dealing with her head-trips, her needs, her everything. Chances are OM found her to be a pain in the [censored], and she found him to be a disappointment. My W did the same thing and came back wanting to know 'how I was doing' etc. My W also moved out and keeps talking about 'needing space to make her decision' on our marriage. How laughable coming from a WS. As if it is a WS's decision to make. I am going to implement Plan-B very soon.

But anyway...

As for the D because of adultery, I can offer no legal advice on why that is important (the reason). But mailing the letter is a good idea I think for your benefit (for closure) because it allows you to at least have said everything you needed to say AND to once again show that you are bigger than all of this.

I know the pain you are going through, losing respect for someone is the hardest thing. But she knows what she has done and you made it plain in that letter that you are not trying to shame her or guilt her into anything, -and that demonstrates your strength and character no matter what she *says* (remember she is in the fog) or what anyone thinks.

Like I said, that 12 days was kind of an unintentional Plan-B and likely exposed her and the OM to each other. It will follow that all of the lies will come out on their own. She will either straighten up or be dismissed.

But the A will die. Deceptions and lies do not feed a loving relationship. She's made her own bed and then shat in it.

Be strong and well, bhearted. You will rise above all of this.

Lopine