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#464127 10/06/02 01:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 26
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 26
It has almost been a year since my discovery of my husbands affair with a co-worker. He has never 'come clean' and still denies everything except for what I have hard evidence for. At least 3 times (after finding hard evidence that they still have contact)has claimed each time he has made it clear to her that they only have a "professional" relationship. Well, this is her third marriage she has broken up that I am aware of. And does not seem to want to 'give him up'.

It seems he will only attempt to rectify our marriage only when push comes to shove. After he thinks the 'air' is clear, things go back to how they were. Even though we are still with each other, and living together, I have filed divorce (for the second time) and have told him I will not cancel until I think things are better.

He at least is civil to me now, he was very verbally abusive in the past. However, has only went to counseling once since I have filed. I believe that was due to a recent blow up at work in which I confronted the OW.

He cancelled a counseling appointment this week, because he went hunting and to help his dad. Gee, where are his priorities. I guess same as they always are........... I'm the last on the list, if on the list at all.

He jokes around about "what are we going to do in 5 weeks, just be roommates?" I really don't believe he thinks I'm serious about this divorce. In short of kicking him out, I don't know how else to make him believe that he needs to work on our marriage!!

I feel I've tried everything. He's selfish, materialistic and doesn't even seem to really care what makes me happy. I'm a stay at home mom so he expects me to do everything -- from the usual cleaning the house, cooking the meals, always taking care of the kids, to his ironing, errands, waiting on him hand and foot (literally!!). I have asked myself at this point, do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this? We do have a family (2 small children) and this is his second marriage so I also have a stepson as well. Just doesn't seem like he learned much from his first divorce.

Where do I go from here? Any advice would be helpful and appreciated!!!

#464128 10/12/02 10:47 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Dear Faith7,

Sorry for the delayed response. Traffic on GQII is more frequent so I am going to take both your threads over there to get you more responses.

In the meantime, welcome to MB. Have you read the concepts section or any of the Harley books: Surviving an Affair or His Needs/Her Needs? Getting yourself some MC counseling would be helpful.

Your H is displaying many traits of the WS. He also seems to see the need to protect his interests as to being married. You are obvioulsy meeting some of his needs.

Go and learn what it will take to protect you, the children and your financial future. You already have D stuff inprocess so you can be ready to go either way.

MB here will help with some support but you need to build your own support unit right around you. Family, friends, even your children. See if you can find a place to stay in the event he should displace his family. I am not saying he will but he could and you don't want to be caught unawares.

Sounds like your 'lovebank' for him is dwindling. Learn from here how to communicate this vital info to him in a constructive manner. Also find out what your emotional needs and his are. There is an EN questionnaire. If you both can take it, it would be good. If only you can then do so and even take one from his point of view.

You can come here and vent anytime.

take care,
L.


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