My H of of just 9 years has been behaving strangely the last 2 months. I figured it had to do with something that occurred at church which put in on the defensive. But now I figure it's much more. We were sitting having lunch one day when he received 3-4 calls on his cell phone within an hour. I could tell they were calls from female by the tone of voice. I shirked it off as being his sister. He made a date with me to go for ice cream that evening after my meeting at church. I arrived at the appointed spot only for him not to ever show up. Just over an hour later (10:15 pm) he calls and says he's on his way home. I asked when he got home where he had been. He says riding around which didn't wash because earlier in the day he had stated he was so tired. Oh, forgot to had that he left the house about 5:25 pm after he thought I was napping. Well he finally after several questions admitted that someone needed some gas money and he took it to "them". I pressed for who "them" was and again after more presses he admitted it was a woman --supposedly a cousin to a guy he works with. My question was WHY is she calling you for ANYTHING? So he responds with "What,I can't have friends? She needed help and I helped." Only this person lives 45 miles away; why would she come here JUST for gas money to get home??? Then his behavior began to be very much unlike him; he has become lax about attending church, goes out late night, and keeps his phone on his hip except when going to the bathroom or sleep. I really began to wonder when he got a 9:30 pm call and went out. He says he went for gas and to the ATM but did not return for close to 3 hours. Then the next weekend he gets a 9:20 pm Sunday call and goes out only to return at 12:50 am Monday with the explanation that he was with a guy from the job at the hospital who was visiting his girlfriend's father. Does not make sense. So I decided to track his cell phone calls. I got out his book and learned how to view dialed and received calls and began to check it every night after he was sleep. A couple of numbers popped up on both lists repeatedly each day starting at 6:35 am (he leaves for work about 6:30 am) and ending between 10:00 pm and midnight depending upon the night and correlate to the time he's coming in. He claimed not to know anyone at the numbers and that the guys at work use his phone. Yes they do but not at those times, I told him. He works 50 miles away with a driving time even in traffic of an hour and 15 minutes (I've driven it to be sure) but he has not been home before 10:00 pm in 2 months claiming traffic is heavy; he almost fell asleep at the wheel and had to pull over to rest; or some other excuse. I have made a log of everything on a daily basis to watch the pattern. Well two weeks ago I went to wash his work clothes and found a small hand towel amongst them. As I went to throw it with the white clothes I noticed an stench and then saw stains which to me looked and smelled like body fluids. When he got home he didn't thank me for doing his work clothes (I don't usually do them but felt I was helping him because he had been so tired), instead he was upset that I did them. I waited a day before asking him about the towel and of course, he said he didn't know anything about it. To top it off I opened the bank statement (we have a joint account which he basically uses and I have a separate one)which came last week and saw 2 charges for hotels to the check card. I almost passed out; my heart began beating so fast and my hands just trembled. I called him and told him we were through and I never wanted to see him again. He told me that I was killing him with all my distrust and accusations. That he had simply helped someone who didn't have enough money for the room. I could not believe that and still don't. He finally admitted that it was a woman "he helped" who was there to party with some friends and didn't want to drive the 45-50 miles back home. WHY, I asked, did she call YOU? Why, when she has so much family in this area by his words, is she always calling you? Why does she even have your number? Of course he insisted that it was all innocent and he was simply helping. He told me just 2 days ago that he has asked the woman not to call anymore and that they have not been in contact---his cell phone tells me differently. He has initiated the calls as well as received. He says I'm insane and I have no trust in him (that part is right). He's more outraged that I looked through his things and checked the bank statement and his phone. I always look at the bank statement.
My question is what do I do? He won't admit he's wrong. He feels he is entitled to have any friend he wants including women and I should trust him to do so. I even read to him from the Bible about avoiding even the appearance of evil and how men are to stay away from strange women with flattering words, and he agreed back in August that all that was true but he's not doing anything.
I can't sleep at night and I have no appetite (I am averaging eating every other day). I can't constraint at work. I have an appointment to see a counselor next week. I am stressed and angered and distraught. I can't stand to be around him or even go home.
Someone, please give me some suggestions. Yes, I've prayed about it and for him. I've tried to him opportunities over the last 2 months to stop the situation and admit your wrongs but he won't.
Sorry this is so long just trying to get some of the anger out.

All I can say is something is definitely rotten in Denmark... Trust your gut, he's up to something. That is extremely suspicious behaviour. Start requesting to go along on these helping missions maybe?

I did ask why he's never asked me to go especially since the first helping missions I was sitting right there. His response is that he knew I would just get upset because it was a woman.

ONLY have a minute, could have been our story, esp. the Church thing. Read signs of an affair on this site, read everything here, it will help and save your marriage. You are not alone, read the stat, most men don't leave their wives in the end, he is in the fog. I am a BS. We survived and you will likely survive this if you follow Dr H plan. Get some antidep. meds and something for sleep from your doc, tell them what is going on-others will help here.

I have talked with my doc and she recommended counseling with a professional marriage counselor and also with my pastor; however, my H doesn't care for our pastor so I know he will be very furious should I breathe a word to him. I just keep wondering what I've done to cause him to want someone else and to lie so blatantly even when I told him I knew. I've since gone on to the internet banking for the account and found a third charge for hotel fees, and none of the dates correspond to weekend dates for it to be a party reason. In fact their Wednesdays and usually when I've had a meeting at church after prayer meeting. Go figure. I have been using herbal relaxers to help calm me down but I still wake up in 2-3 hours. If I stay I can I ever allow him to touch me again??

Your H sounds alot like mine -- definitely doesn't admit to anything, denies everything but what I can catch him read handed for. It seems he still thinks he can "pull the wool over your eyes or get away with it or that you aren't serious about being through". That is just how I know my H seems. He, too, was using the cell phone a lot to call the OW. Are you on his account? Do you have his password to get into messages? Does he have detailed billing? Also, there is a web site where you can look up phone numbers. It is www.worldpages.com I've used this several times, but since my discovery of their phone calls, they have not used the cell phone at all.

Did he say who the 'woman' was that he helped out with gas, etc. And, was it always the same woman?

You are going through the hardest time right now and I will say a prayer for you.

Something is definately going on. Your gut already tells you this. Glad to hear you are talking to your Doc about it. Get meds if you need. Read this site of course.

Traffic... 10pm?
Next time something comes out of his mouth like that, sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him you love him, (if you still do). Then tell him he's got to stop this talk, tell him lovingly he's insulting your intelligence. I would also tell him to be honest with you, or at least go with you to see someone (the pastor) so that you can get this talked out. He's definately in the fog... thinking no one sees what's going on. I would tell him directly at this point that the covering up has to stop. I think the suggestion that you volunteer to go along on his good sameritan missions is great!
And Keep Praying!

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I saw a counselor yesterday and of course, he said I am definitely suffering from depression and needing anti-depressants. He also said (and he is a Christian counselor) that it may take just walking out with my belongings to snap H into reality since H has continued to hold that nothing is happening. I gave H some printouts from Dennis Rainey's broadcast on EA and PA which I had him read in front of me and we discussed. H's only reply is that he could see how EAs and PAs can happen but it's not him.

I made him take me to the hotel and asked the manager for the guest card and signature --- of course he did not know where we were going at the time and when we arrived he got outraged and refused to go in. I told him we were not leaving until he had done so. The manager asked for his ID and then came back with copies. OW's name and address is shown with 1 adult and my H's signature for the charge card for 2 different nights (including our anniversary). Of course the 1 adult means nothing as people register as 1 all the time. First his claim was that she needed somewhere to stay because of partying on weekend; none of the dates are weekends, and now the story is she was homeless. Supposedly she and her daughter got into an argument and the daughter put her out. Well, it's such a pattern that it occurs every 2 weeks on Wednesdays. Hmm! As I told H, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. If she's having a problem with daughter, get her own place and surely this is not the first time; so what did she do before she met you?!

Yesterday H and I were talking on phone when he called me by OW's name. Insists he has no more contact with OW and that it's been weeks since he's gotten any calls from her or seen her. NOT SO! He's had continuous calls (he has called OW and OW has called him) including LAST night while he was sitting in our living room. Of course he lied and said it was his supervisor, and of course after he went to sleep I checked his cell log and found it was OW's number. And he doesn't even pretend to come to bed; simply sleeps downstairs in living room every night.

So, I know some say I should stay. My question WHY? I sick of the lies and deceit. I already have itching and discharge from last intercourse session over a month ago (initiated by me). Have been tested but tests did not show anything. I can't sleep and I'm sitting around with chest pains over this. SO please tell me why I should continue to be humiliated, cheated on, lied to, neglected, and emotionally abused? I'm fed up. Although H insists there's nothing and he's entitled to befriend whomever he chooses, I know he's involved and evidently more than he even realizes.

How do I put him out? Lease is in my name only as are utilities, etc. H says he has paid half rent and is therefore entitled to stay. Any suggestions?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Wow...this is one of the most blatant examples of a cheating spouse I've seen in a while! Textbook. SMarie, I hate to be so blunt and I know it hurts like nothing you've ever known, but HE IS DEFINITELY having an affair.

At this point, don't even waste your time trying to figure out all the details and make him see how utterly stupid he is to think that anyone who has half a brain could buy the load of CRAP he's trying to sell you. As for getting him to admit what he's doing, I wouldn't even bother. He is insulting your intelligence with his half assed lies and please, please, please I beg you not to even try to believe him. I spent months trying to convince myself that what my WH was trying to tell me was the truth. Save yourself...that's the best thing for you to do right now.

As for how to put him out...well, after what he's done (and obviously continues to do) you have NO obligation to even listen to his crap about how you can't put him out because he pays half the rent. That's bull. This is what you need to do:

1) Pack up some of his stuff (not too much, why should YOU be so nice as to be considerate enough to make sure he has all he needs?!)

2) Call a locksmith and get the locks changed (or re-keyed...less expensive).

3) Inform your landlord that the locks have been changed (you have every right to change the locks on a rental property...apt/house...doesn't matter, as long as you inform the landlord)

4) After your husband leaves for work (or for his next tryst!) put the bag you've packed for him out on the stoop, in the hall, whereever. And don't worry that it might get stolen, etc. That's HIS problem now.

5) Calmly dial your husband's cell phone and tell him that a bag with his stuff is on the stoop, and he might want to come get it before someone walks off with it.

6) When he freaks out (I can guarantee he'll say these exact words: "You can't do this to me! I pay half the rent! You have no right!") tell him that whether he has the balls to admit the affair or not, you are NOT STUPID and you know what's going on. When he tries to deny it, just tell him that it's not a subject that's open for discussion anymore...that you'd no sooner get into an inane conversation with someone who's insisting that the sky is really green, despite the reality of the sky being blue.

The important thing is to make a stand...he's lost his right to convince you that he's been faithful, he's lost his right to his home, he's lost his right to free access to his stuff. Period.

THAT'S how you put him out.

One word of advice...before you do this, clean out the joint checking account, make sure his access to any of your credit cards, etc., is cut off. Let him figure out how to pay for the hotel rooms by himself from now on.

Let us know how it goes, and GOOD LUCK...you deserve SO MUCH BETTER, I just can tell from your post.

thinking of you - SoHappy

SoHappy:
Thanks for responding and advice. I actually have told myself to pack a box of his things and set it out and change the locks. But I was not sure of the legal side.
WH is still insisting there never was anything and he has no further contact (cell phone tells me otherwise). Doesn't understand why I should not want to "help" someone in need...he was raised to help those in need. Wants me to just forgive his short-sightedness and continue on. I can't let this go. We've had 9 years of rocky due to his work habits, his family always in our money & home, his lack of responsibility and maturity...51 and still no idea! I am sick of it. Now counselor wants me to start anti-depressants. So for my 9 years of being married to WH I get high debt, depression, thinning hair, stress, sleepless nights, headaches, low self esteem (always telling me to grow up whenever I tried to let him know that he needed to put me ahead of his family and their needs). Well I told him I was tired of being on back burner so he began sleeping downstairs in February, and then this A began. Promises he won't do anything else to upset me and loves me. Well, none of it sounds like love to me and I just can't take any more of the lies, etc. My health is now at stake and he has yet to admit he did anything wrong at all, so what's the use of continuing?

Again, thanks for your advice. I'll let you know how things transpire.

Smarie87,

So sorry you have to be going through all of this. I know its rough. Your H sounds a lot like mine as I've said in the past. Can't remember if I wrote this or not but I read a good book called "After the Affair". It describes the feelings, healing process, etc. of an affair for both partners. One thing it did say was that affairs don't necessarily end right away, they have to die a natural death. Sometimes it could take 4 months or longer. Another article I read explained how affairs happen so easily at the workplace. Both come in energized for the day, you are looking your best, maybe working together on the same project or goal, lots to talk about (work for starters), and then one things leads to another. Unlike the events at home, dealing with sick kids, taking out the garbage, toilet plugged. Kinda gloomy but you get the picture. Many times over the course of this year (after D day) I have tried to understand why my husband had an A (although he STILL only admits to talking with her). I feel if he would just come clean, then we could start from a clean slate. I don't know why they can't just admit things. They are only fooling themselves. My H did the same thing -- sleep on the couch for many nights. My opinion is, he must be getting it somewhere. I have been told (even by my Dr.) that if men don't get it from home, they'll be looking for it. Don't know how valid we should think that but...... I guess its all food for thought.

If he says this is only a 'friendship.' Then in my book (and I struggle with this too) why is he risking his marriage on it. If he can't give up the OW's friendship, he is putting their friendship above your marriage and you are playing second. (Ann Lander's column said that). Well, I have told my H I am not playing second.

Many men who have A never intend to leave their marriage or family. Unfortunately, they don't weigh the outcome if they have one to what could happen (loosing family, wife, reputation, etc.). I told my H all of that and he denies that anyone is talking about it (his A was with a co-worker as well). Yet 90% of the rumors I heard were from his employees. They just don't want to admit it and are just in denial themselves.

Another good book I read was called "When you Lover is a Liar" It goes through all the ways one could lie, starting with Lies of Omission (sp?) and Lies of Commission. Lies of Omission are when you just ommit something. Like you get off work at 5, then stop at the OW house for awhile, then go work out. But you tell your S that after work you went and worked out. Lies of Commission are blatant, outright lies.

It also describes ways people lie in regard to ignoring the question, denying it (even when caught red handed), or admitting it and then you are supposed to think "oh he did this wrong, but at least he's being honest and telling me" -- there are many more, just can't think of them right now.

I think, as with my case, my H keeps denying everything for possibly several reasons. First, he has everything to lose if he tells the truth. But if he keeps lying, he has the possibility of continuing on (and having his cake and eat it too).

Another thing is that I don't believe they think we are serious -- in respect to getting a D. My D will be final on Nov. 12. It has been sitting in courts for 6 months now and we are no where near closer than where we started. There's no trust, she still works with him (and I'm sure that'll never change), he's telling me everything I'd love to hear, but doing Jack S--T. In a last ditch effort these last few days he has been sucking up major. Anyway, I brought this up because like I said I don't think they think we are serious and then don't see any real reason why they should change -- being friends with OW and still having you. Obviously you both fill some type of needs, which he wants to keep around. That is where we get in to EN's.

IMHO, Things aren't going to get better without counseling so he can identify what caused the A in the first place. My husband has been really reluctant to go to counseling and will only go if its last resort. But he doesn't go enough times to accomplish anything -- like once every 3 months. Have you talked to him about going to counseling?? If he doesn't want to go, it is still a good idea for you to go even without him. Helps you straighten out your mind.

Well, I supposed that's about it for tonight. Getting tired. Hope none of this offends you. Remember, take care of yourself.

Faith 7