Orchid - so not peachy says that I need to talk to you about detaching myself from my exhusband -we were just divorced on Sept. 18 - today has been one year since I found out that he cheated on me - and he had been doing it for about since January - and it just got uglier by the day - now come to find out I believe it was always the lady next door - I have confronted but they both lie - but I am not stupid... What is happening now... OK I have two children girls 9 and 12 - and thankfully they are ok - I am very open and honest with them - I mean they know Daddy hurt me and they know that daddy talked to the lady next door on the phone and that I was not happy about it - They also know that there father has hurt me very bad but that he is still their father.. He spends like an hour or so with them on Tuesday nights and overnight friday from like 6pm to about 12/1 the next day... And he thinks that he is not abandoning them - but that is his twisted mind.. OK so the problem that everyone has and actually that I have is - he still depends on me - he calls me and talks to me like I am his friend - to ask advice - he comes over to get the kids and hangs out for awhile and while he is here I am ok but then he leaves and I am so mad at myself - because why am I letting him even have a piece of our family when he left and doesn't want to be there - I am in therapy and I also go to a womans group - and those ladies want to kill me - they think I should take a stand for myself.. I think alot of my problem is that I feel sorry for him - I feel sorry for what he throwing away....And I know I shouldn't - I know I shouldn't care about him much whatsoever but I find that hard.. As a person I like him - not as the person he is now - but I find it hard to think of him as the person he used to be .... Peach thinks I need to write a plan b letter - I don't think he would read it - or he would say duh that is what I want we are divorced...??? Any suggestions??? Mimi

Mimi,

Glad you posted. I was told to look for your posts on this site so I had been waiting...... GA peach called me a few days ago.....she is a real nice lady.

Sorry you are still hurting soo bad.

Let's set the record straight. Since you are D, there is no plan A or B required. You and your H are D.

Doesn't sound like you were emotionally ready for the D. But it has been done.

Now you need to get to the point where you are emotionally ready to move forward.

Here are some suggestions:

1. XH needs are no longer your concern. When he comes over to dump, kindly tell him that you are busy or not able to hear his info at this time. He has made his choices and neeeds to let others hear his issues.

2. Therefore, what your XH does other than the interaction with the children or anything related to the family or responsibilities is really none of your concern. If he gets a ticket, not your problem. He wants S3x.... not your problem....... he gets laid off and wants to reneg on the child support etc. - that's your problem and you need to be prepared if that should arise. Do you see the difference?

3. Prepare your children......play act out how you all will react to the various things your XH might do. Pit child against parent? Try to bribe children into revealing more info than you want them to? Barter for affection? etc.

4. You already have those who are looking out for your interests. Thank them for their support, ask that they respect your decisions and listen when they talk to you. Some of what they say may be worthwhile so don't discount them.

Howz that for starters? Think hard now. Your life is different but it doesn't have to stay bad. The choice for you is yours.

Hugz,
L.

Orchid - thank you for replying - see I thought that I didn't need a plan b letter either it is kind of late for that - but you know I just got home from going out and I was doing great until we pulled in the driveway and my brother in law bought to my attention that the lady next door wasn't home - which freaks me out - but I am going to not go with that and be fine - I know that he doesn't deserve my concern and it shouldn't matter what he does and vice versa - he doesn't care what I do so it makes it all that hard - I am trying to get over him - and you know I don't even think that I like him - it is just hard to live without him...

Hi Mimi,

I certainly understand how you feel. Been there myself and we are suppose to be in recovery?!?!? So go figure!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Nonetheless, that is how you feel so I suggest that you take this question of yours over to the d/d site. They are much more skilled on how to help your mind and heart be back in sync.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Just like a bad viral flu, even though you know what you need to do to get better and you are doing it, it just has to take it's course of recovery before your body feels better. Same can be for you.

I will keep checking in.....take care.

L.

Why thank you very much - actually over on the divorce board - Formerly Confused - gave me some great advice - so I am just going to try and think about what he said - like 24 hours a day... I know this is a long road and I must mourn.... so I will - thank you again..

Hi,

The group on the d/d site is good. In fact, the 5 stages of grieving post was given to me by Dana and Father of 1 Husband of 0. Both were very helpful.

Last year many came on board and basically flooded MB (they revamped their system to handle all the traffic). Myself and many other benefited. I went the route of JFO, GQII, Plan A/B, recovery, d/d and even the preg/child sites. All were helpful. Just have to find your right nich for the right time.

Hang in there Mimi, you will make it. No doubt about that. The WS on the other hand is questionable but since they are pulling so hard the other way, the BS often have to watch the WS stumble and fall.

Main thing is that you are able to see your self worth and move forward. I did and I am glad.
My H has a lot of catching up to do........ LOL!! :;

take care,
L.