Orchid-
Peach said to get a hold of you about my problem. My W is a waw. Been separated 5 weeks.......NO CONTACT. We have 2 1/2 year old. She served me with d papers 2 weeks ago. I have religiosly gone to ind. counseling since August. I have bought every book imagineable. I have posted here and divorcebusting. I am looking for someone to help me understand what my wife might be going through. We have been together 6 1/2 years married for 3. I had an EA a year and half ago. A year ago we saw a MC (3x) we thought we could do this....NOT. Things were up and down. I denied EA for year, but she knew through others. Of course I didnt want to hurt her so I denied it. She brought it up every arguement. I finally came clean in August. She says she has issues she doesn't think she will ever resolve. She is very unforgiving (we are opposites there). She has become bitter and built a wall. She has become a nasty person, definitely not the woman I fell in love with, but I know her pain and I will work on saving marriage. I wish I had known of all the resources out there during our marriage. I have not been a good person to live with this last 2 years. She says ever since daughter was born. We have 2 businesses and HAVE NOT been spending the needed time together to stay bonded. We have been growing apart. I truly miss her. I know I treated her poorly and am willing to change my life for her. Something I should have done a long time ago. Our priest wants to get involved now. Of course I made all the classic mistakes when we separated---begging, pleading, crying etc......pushing her further. I wonder if this pushed her to file. In Iowa you have only 90 days until D is final. Ours will be end of Dec.

Do you have any advise you can give from your experience? Please look at some of my posts for more info. Appreciate any advise.
yankeebluebbq@hotmail.com

Hi Alan,

I am sorry this is your situation. If I am understanding you correctly you are the WS and your W is the BS? You have 2 business' and a 2 1/2 daughter? Married 3 years.

Ok, lots of pressure here. What is your relationship with our daughter? As young as she is, that is important.

Have you and your W taken the EN questionnaire? If she won't you should. Take it for both of you.

Your W has lots of anger, rightly so. Don't deny her that anger. There is a way to work with it but it make take going through a D to get at it. You ready for that? Probably not so let's see how all your support groups and MB can help.

Support groups:
1. your daughter
2. your familiies.....
3. your neighbors....
4. your workmates.....
5. your priest
6. your MC
7. books on infidelity (like surviving an affair
his needs/her needs,etc.)
8. EN questionnaires etc.
9. Phone counseling with STeve or Jennifer.
(This is highly recommended)
10. Posting here.
11. Sharing with her some of our horror stories.

Howz that for starters?!?!? You have a lot at your disposal. Read up as you have been and implement. Don't expect immediate results. If you can find RedHat's sig line, look up TrueHearts letter (he was the WS) and then find 5 stages of grieving threads. Both will be helpful. Let her know that there is a lot of support for her here also. There have been several couples that posted. In your case, Zorweb and STL (STL was the WS) were in a similar situation. Zorweb posts regularly, STL has been a bit busy but Z let's him know what's going on here.

Let us know how you are doing. \

L.

I have filled out a questionairre. I should fill one out for her? I know she wont at this point. She is so hostile. I don't remember living with this person. What happened?

I had an EA over a year ago. I denied it , but she knew. I finally came clean. She decided we should separate and has since filed. Lots of anger and bitterness. Read my post about the letter....only an audio since we haven't talked or seen each other in 5 weeks. Priest is getting involved.

Orchid,
I did do all of the questionanaires and I have the book. Tonight I filled it out from my wifes perspective. It's amazing how I knew what EN she needed from me!! Wow are our EN different......some similar, but many difference. I wish she could see and understand these questionnaires I filled out. Then I'd like to see the one's she actually filled out. One thing she said before Iwe split was "I don't really know you or anything about you". That struck me as odd, but I now realize that if we do try and reconcile I am taking a couple days.....me and her and we are going to take a journey from when I was born and go through my whole life....ups and downs and truths etc, then I want to do the same with her life, so we know everything about each other. What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AlanArthur:
<strong>I have filled out a questionairre. I should fill one out for her? I know she wont at this point. She is so hostile. I don't remember living with this person. What happened?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen, I am a male BS. Let me pitch in my 2¢. Fill out LBQ & ENQ as if she fill in. By now you should know your W. Plan A your gut out, stop chasing her ... I mean you try to talk any R w/ her. Just be everything as a good H should be minus the R talk. Bite your tounge when she is lashing on you ... any talk back will destroy your effort of plan A. You have 90 days to go and you better do it best you can.

I hope you know by now that your have to avoid any list on LBQ and you have to fill in any list on ENQ. Don't go crazy w/ ENQ ... top 5 is all you need and not to worry about in which order they are ... you have to do them all equally good.

You have a giver snap on your hand ... she gave you a chance to recover M but you probably missed it big time. Read on How A should end ... it might give you inside on what you ought to do.

Meanwhile, think hard about what she wants from you before she snapped ... those are her list of amends !. Do it even she shows that she doesn't care.

I would call MB to help you out. We are all amature here and give you our oppinion based on our experiences and 2¢ ... you need advice from the pro.

I know you don't want to hear this but you have to know that if you can save your M ... you have to accept your consequences of your EA and your continue stringing along your W. Learn as much as you can and best you can so you won't make anymore mistake in the future R.

One more thing, read the language of love and you might need it after a good plan A to open her heart up.

Keep posting your situation and the more detail are the better.

-RH-