I have been married for 10 months and caught my WW having an affair about 5 weeks ago. The affair was running for ~3 months but they have known eachother for ~6 months.

We decided to move to a recovery, the main step being a policy of honesty and cutting off all contact with him. This appeared to be working although I was becoming suspicious when there was a lack of tension and she said she had not contacted him and did not feel the need.

I caught them having lunch together after 3 weeks and we were back to square one (but I felt it was much worse). I knew there and then that this was going to be very difficult to get any honesty. From what she says I don't know what to believe. This time she has learned more about how strong her feelings are.

I try to catch them from time to time (without their knowledge). There is more than enough evidence to suggest that they still see eachother but it is very difficult to prove. I can detect it in her behaviour and I have evidence of phone calls. It drives me crazy trying to confirm one way or another. In the end I think that there is no point checking - just assume that it is happening and live with it. I feel that the pain is so bad that in some ways it is easier to think this way and work with it than to swing back and forth. Despite all this our relationship has improved somewhat.

She admits that she cannot chose between us - which is very difficult to take. She wants to move out to 'get some space'. Her intention is to go there, maybe half the time because she needs time away from me to think about things. She says she doesn't have a clear head when with me - everything seems fine. I feel that her only reason is to allow her to see him without me knowing (and I believe that he is behind this). If she moves out it is just too easy for her to see him and too difficult for me to have a positive effect on her.

By default I am therefore in Plan A. I am doing everything possible to talk her out of it but she is adamant. She says she will still see me and do things together - just not live here constantly. She doesn't have female friends to stay with (because we recently moved to a new city).

I feel that I have done all I can and I am out of options. Should I continue with Plan A in this situation (if possible)? If she moves out, should I move to Plan B and cut off all contact with her? Should I try to prove to myself that there is contact and then move to Plan B?

Some advice would be very much appreciated.

B. S.,
Read enablement under my signature then continue to read my view. You have to move to plan B or do tough love unless you have kids. Plan A will not do it ... you go back to plan A if WS is willing to work on M. You have to get your plan B letter going and also plan up your logistic.

-rh-

The fact that she could have an affair after being married only for several months speaks volumes about her lack of moral character. Don't play this stupid game with her in which you have to check up on her whereabouts. Get off this emotional rollercoaster.My recommendation to you is to get an anulment and move on.

I agree with Tommaz. Your wife has been having a 3 month sexual affair after being married to you only 7 months. This should be your honeymoon period and she tells you she loves you and the OM and cannot choose? I would seek an annulment.
This person simply is not marriage material. The fact that she was willing to lie and cheat on you and put your health at risk after 7 months of marriage says a great deal about her and her level of committment. I think you should step back and ask yourself whether you wish to spend the rest of your life with this type of person.
I wish you luck.

Thanks guys,

Tommaz and Bryanp - I tend to agree with you because that was my first thoughts exactly. I was shocked and in disbelief. I actually worked out that it was happening and went on to find proof before approaching her. Redhat you are probably right - it is such a sorry state that there is probably no other option. I need to see a councilor because I have been going it alone.

The only way I can deal with it is to look at it from the point of view of the relationship as a whole - not just the marriage. We have been together nearly 6 years and married for less than one.

We can only move forward if she shows that she is dead-set committed to change. She needs to realize that she will carry this with her into her next relationship but I cannot tell or show her that. She also has only a few years left while she can still have kids. She really needs to clear this **** up first or she will ruin her life - I cant tell her that either.

I am lucky in that I don't have time limits - other than self imposed ones.

The thing that gets me is our relationship is otherwise going along smoothly (it appears). She is very caring and we are doing things together. The affection has improved by miles. The physical side has dropped off again however and there is enough independent behaviour to make me feel uncomfortable. She doesn't seem to be having any withdrawls and it is these reasons that I suspect the PA may be in full flight (EA at the very least). At least at the moment it is difficult for them - a little consolation for me.

Redhat (or anybody else) - what is 'tough love'?

In the MB site it said somewhere (I can't find it now) words to the effect: the A may 'continue unabated' after d-day and in this case there is little hope for recovery and if it does then the M wouldn't amount to much anyway'. This contradicts my interpretation of Plan A/B (ie because both of these are with the A still running!). Can elaborate on this for me please.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Redhat (or anybody else) - what is 'tough love'?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is out from book James Dobson's Love must be tough. Basically you tell your WS that you love them but you do not tolerate WS's behavior or A. It is kind of plan B but w/ full contact. You set the boundry; read enablement under my signature. You refuse to enable the A completely but leave the door wide open for reconciliation.

Redhat: Isn't the boundaries sort of an ultimatum? Do you put out the consequences along with the boundaries you set? For instance....I love you, but I can't accept your lies by ommission or (whateverthat other word is) and if there is another instance I will leave?

Your thoughts? I value them!!!!

angelia,

check you own thread I reply to you there ... -rh-