I'm so glad I found this site,I wish I would have known about it sooner!!I'll try not to make this a book
I've known my husband since we were 15 years old,first loves ect.We have been married for 4 years now.3 Of those years have been Hell(lost 2 pregnancies,and health issue's,money,we went through alot,lost sight of each other..we were once so madly in love I miss those times.

We had a miracle baby who is 17 months old now.The minute I had him things really got bad,he was upset I was too much a mommy,put his needs on a shelf.
He started calling me every name in the book,hitting me,totally lost respect for me as a person!!
I was working from home making more then his 40 hour music job.I payed for alot of bills,and he was always complaining that I never bought him cool things big things so I went out and saved bought him 2,000 worth of new recording gear.I had to make sure my son got food ect.
He would go out to his buddies house to record(but only at night),his excuse was that was the only time he had available.
It started off one night a month that was two years ago!
He does have a nice side to him,when he does see his son.It's split 50/50**good and evil I kid not.
He started going out with his friends more and more leaving me out of everything,leaving me and our son out of everything!!
Bills got way behind cause he was going out spending all his money on music gear.I couldn't pay for all the bills on my own.
He started telling me that women were hitting on him at work(non work there)and he could have date alot of people if he wanted.
He would through his wedding ring at me,go weeks without wearing it.
It got so bad I couldn't bring anything up with out him pushing me against a wall and pointing in my face yelling at me.
I was scared confused depressed..I went to couseling they told me to leave..I went to the pastor he told me to leave.
I stayed, kept trying to please him.He became colder and colder,where was the sweet man I once knew!?
He was never home never played much with our son,became more distant..took care of himself before the family.On our anniversary that year he wouldn't celabrate it,wouldn't open my card.We moved into a new place in May-02 he bought me flowers.Wow!! first time in a long time!!
We had sex first time in 6 months,cause he said i wasn't skinny enough i was 150...no one can figure that one out...I'm very pretty,but he wouldn't touch me. No kisses no hugs
Then he went out and got himself a cell phone,but wouldn't let me near it.Then July He wanted a Break to Heal he said...he wanted me to give him ALOT OF SPACE
He went so far as to ask me to move in with my parents,with our son.I told him no way,he was gone all the time started tanning,lost 25Lbs,went out and bought a bag,new underwear,after he got out of work he showered wouldn't eat with us,packed his bag for the night and left at 10pm.
He said he was going to hotels,and his buddies house.This was JULY-02
I started looking around found hidden in a box in the garage.Womens Numbers,Bed and Breakfast and Condom reciepts,Love letters to two other women!!

Continued on next post~

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Continued:
I found Porn(Teen,and adult)In our basement as well.When I confronted him about everything,he told me he needed to think.He came and went when he wanted to everytime telling me he wanted me out!! He would even pack our bags for us.
I just couldn't beleieve it.So I told him even though he was cheating on me I still Loved him and wanted to move past this..work on Both our issue's and get help.
His anwser*I just need space,he denied his affairs claiming they were good friends going through the samething.That the condoms were for someone else,that I had a jaded view of it all
So I started packing up oour place...my sons room I had just decorated.I called both numbers,both women knew he was married they even knew about each other.Told me I needed to talk to Ken about it.
I told him over and over..leave the affairs and we can get help.His answer I have no reason to!!
They give me all I need Ya,one is 20 and comes from a rich family she gave him a sports car.The other lady is 24,married at the time...she filed two weeks before I did,because her husband was cheating on her(she has two young babies).
One night before he went out **I WILL NOT FORGET THIS.He told me he wasn't sorry,I should hear the way Ow Moans when he's doing her
Telling me what size bra she wore,how perfect and sexy she was.I can't Believe how Low he got!!
On my last night there,he brought other women to our house and was kissing her in our livingroom
I acted like it didn't bug me,and finished my packing.I moved out with our son and filed two days before my 25th b-day.
We went to court he is to have supervised visitation with our son,he comes to see him weeknights at 9pm when he's sleeping.Whats the point!!??
His weekends he's too busy with the other women.He keeps telling me I need to prove myself to him That I will treat him like the stud he is..pretty much.
He's now talking about moving out of state,with the lady who's divorcing too.
It's just a mess!!
I guess I need to do plan B? What do I do? Can I save this?

Please hELP ME.....

--------------------
Mary

Married my First Love,known him for 12 years.
Married for 4
I Filed for Divorce Sept-02
We have a 17 month old son together.

oh gosh betrayed. what's been done to you is so far beyond betrayal, it isn't even in the same country. you've been emotionally raped by someone who you should have been able to trust with all that you are. for what it's worth, my advice would be to run for your life before you drown in the pool of toxic slime your husband is throwing your way. just wondering, how did you find out about his comment about the ow "hot body"? did that creature actually say that to you, or tell you about it? it's hard to believe anyone could be that cruel. although after reading this board, i guess i shouldn't be surprised. please sweetie, for the sake of your own heart, get yourself and your child away from this creature. do you really want your child thinking this is what a man is supposed to be? run baby, run!!! and find a kindred spirit who will help you to heal...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Yes he did when I confronted him about things,one morning.He came by the place to grab some more clothes.He said I wouldn't want to meet her and I better be out or I would.That she was tall blonde 36-d and that she loved having sex and the moaning part...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I finally got to meet her and i'm prettier,then both.I said to him you left me for that!?
I told him I will honor our vows,and I will not date.He told me it wouldn't be cheating on why not?
He said Mary if we all went by rules life would get borring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Were not Married anymore!!!
How sad a promise means Nothing to him,he's gone off the deep end I was just hoping he would get Help <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i know it's flip of me to say this, but has the idiot considered that she's only moaning because he's leaning on her hair during sex? i mean seriously, the guy doesn't sound considerate or sensitive to even notice wether or not his partner is enjoying his attempts. and i've always felt that because the vows says till death do us part, forsaking all others, that adultery makes the vow itself null and void. that doesn't mean the vow can't be reaffirmed! just that it takes a deliberate decision to choose to take that vow all over again... just my opinion

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I got a good laugh out of that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I never thought about the A that way but it makes sense...he's the one who broke our vows he made his bed now he can sleep in it!!

Mary, answered you on "Just found out"...but will repeat! This man has physically and emotionally abused you. Being brutally honest, your divorce is the best thing you can do for yourself and your son. (more on other board!)

first thing, you need to get a new best friend sweetie! that man sounds not only toxic, but abusive. do you have any worries about him with your child? and is he gone, or still around? for your sake i hope it's the former. you're right about him having made his own bed, and just look at what he gets to share it with! creatures with no values and morals who sound like his soulmates. there is a god, and he's put him with his own kind thereby freeing you to find better. now wether that's alone with your son, or god willing a good man, anything is better than what you had. just keep posting, we'll keep answering and someday you'll look into the eyes of your beautiful little boy and relize that striking out on your own is the best thing you ever did for both of you!

Wifey and Krista <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Your Very right I do Need to find a new Best Friend.The man I once knew is long gone..he was once so gentle and loving Hard to Beleive...Hu!? I can't justify for him any longer..I want to make excuses he's gone over the edge this is not really him...he's gone insane the past few years!!
But all in all....I can't Help Him, He won't Help Himself.I'm so scared one day he'll kill himself or something <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But all I can do is pray for him!!!!
My son and I have moved in with my parents,I have sigened up for college this fall(late start at it,i'm 25).I feel soooo old,I want to have a family more kids...most of all a real husband who understands commitment.Where I live women out number the men alot,sooo I worry down the road.
My parents tell me never to marry until my son is 18..because it would add stress to a new relationship.But Thats a Big Dream of mine the next 5-10 years is to marry again when I've healed and found someone right.

My Husband(soon to be ex),his head must be really foggy right now,the place we were renting he's bought out the lease so he says... and she's over there cause I drove by <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
He claims he has 30 days to move out,my name is off the lease thank God.At night he sleeps at each OW's places,kinda rotates then...
Both live 5 min away from my parents and our old place.I don't know how he could sleep in a bed with OW,when her husband slept in it too with her!!? Her poor kids too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
So one moment he's all stressed cause he says he'll have to live out of a motel,until he gets his own place,the next he's moving back to Florida to live with his parents.
Right now he is to only see our son supervised.
Friend of the court is doing an investigation on the visitation issue.His parents paid for his attorney...his fee was 3,500 up front and 400 an hour,so I don't know why he'd dump that money and move.Maybe cause he's not winning like he thought?
We have only been to court once,so like my dad says never underestimate the enemy!!
If he leaves he'll probly try to fly him out to see him...but at somepoint he'll be back trying to start something.
His side of the family does not like me anymore,they are soooo mad I filed on him...they told me I gave him to the OW because of my actions.They have even justified the abuse saying I pushed his buttons...and there marrige counsolers at there church.
His dad also had a affair.
I think Ken truly Beleives once he's done having fun he can come back.Boy He's gonna be in shock <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I just had a surprise visit from Husband..he wanted to talk to me.He claimed he was unhappy he didn't miss me but missed our son.
That maybe when the waters calm down we could get cousel ,it's a bunch of mind games!!
Then he stated that " THE PAST IS THE FUTURE, REVISITED!"
And he hated the wife I was I was a Bad wife,couldn't cook good,clean good enough ect..he has his list.
I told him I may have flaws but he had some pretty huge issue's to deal with.
Tears started welling up in his eyes.It's all his game.
Then he says I wanted you..but the other ladies are like you used to be~~~~
I said Ken I miss the Old you too,he will forever be in my-heart not the man who called me every name in the book,and hit me.
I know I know we all did screwed up things.
Ken you do not love us enough If you did you would be getting help right now and would of left the realationships.
He left.

Hmmmmm The Past is the future revisited...(ya if you don't deal with your demons).What do you think???

THE PAST IS THE FUTURE, REVISITED? he actually said that to you with a straight face? my gosh, having his head so far up his rear has obviously affected his thinking. reminds of that little warthog from the lion king, "you have to put your behind in the past!" or course the other women are like you used to be, their single and care only about themselves whereas you're a mother. it's easy to show him their good side when it's only few hours a week. i mean really, if they were all so wonderful why isn't he with just one? instead he takes bits and pieces of many, never satisfied with any. and yet to him it's you with the problem. his reasoning is that of a two year old caught stealing a cookie. well, if you had just given him what he wanted when he wanted it, he wouldn't have had to take it behind your back. poor, poor man! and his parents, seems like they may be part of the reason he feels so entitled. you gave him to the other woman due to your actions? which action would that be, being a faithful wife, bearing him a precious child? umm, i can see what they mean! i read your posts and you seem so strong, like you're finally coming into the light after years of darkness. i admire you, if it helps! keep living your life one day at a time, and take your strength from your child. there will come a day when you can look at him and mourn the man he was, while feeling pity for what he's become. blessed be!

THE PAST IS THE FUTURE, REVISITED? he actually said that to you with a straight face? my gosh, having his head so far up his rear has obviously affected his thinking. reminds of that little warthog from the lion king, "you have to put your behind in the past!" or course the other women are like you used to be, their single and care only about themselves whereas you're a mother. it's easy to show him their good side when it's only few hours a week. i mean really, if they were all so wonderful why isn't he with just one? instead he takes bits and pieces of many, never satisfied with any. and yet to him it's you with the problem. his reasoning is that of a two year old caught stealing a cookie. well, if you had just given him what he wanted when he wanted it, he wouldn't have had to take it behind your back. poor, poor man!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You crack me up!!!!!
Thank you I needed a good dose of laughter today.
You have it right on the nose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

and his parents, seems like they may be part of the reason he feels so entitled. you gave him to the other woman due to your actions? which action would that be, being a faithful wife, bearing him a precious child?

They always bail him out,thow money at him when ever.Ever christmas he got 500 dollars to go shopping while we were married,and I got a picture frame.
They wanted me to put him through college,stick around the home longer they didn't want me to file..I had to give most of my paychecks to him for bills but had to look like a model,which it's hard to look your best with no money.
Now that I've moved back home I can aford to go back blonde shop and have lost weight.

i read your posts and you seem so strong, like you're finally coming into the light after years of darkness. i admire you, if it helps! keep living your life one day at a time, and take your strength from your child. there will come a day when you can look at him and mourn the man he was, while feeling pity for what he's become. blessed be!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Aww thanx,I have my ups and downs..I can't wait until that day comes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Hugs*

Accept your husband for who he is .... Is he....

1. kind?

2. loving?

3. dependable?

4. reliable?

5. resourceful ?

6. amusing?

7. mature?

8. faithful?

9. emotional?

10. playful?

11. sexy?

12. ethical?

13. logical?

14. spiritual?

15. intelligent?

16. hard working?

17. reasonable?

18. communicative?

19. helpful?

20. loyal?

21. safe?

~~~~~~~~~~

Think about who he IS today. Not who he might become someday if he "changes".

Who is he NOW? Is the bare naked truth of who he is NOW someone you even like or respect?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

mary, so how was today? bearable i hope! i'm so sorry this is happening to you now, it's got to be even more dificult considering that you've been with this man since you were 15. you must remember the boy you fell in love with and wonder where the man you've been living with came from. it's sad that this turned so bad after child born. i guess he wanted to be the only baby in the family! as hard as it is to accept, some people just never get over wanting to be center of the universe. and when they aren't, they act out like children. by the by, 25 is not a late start, it's a smart one! it takes courage to say, hey my life isn't the way i want it and then actually make the change. i have the feeling your child would tell you how proud he/she is for doing what's best for both of you if they could. should you ever need a peptalk, feel free to email me at aol.com and i'll reach into my bag of you go girl! for some encouragement. just keep busy, hold your head up high, and know that you give women a very good name!

I'm hanging in here,I just watched The DR Phil show,he made some really good pointers.Past Behavior is a good indicator of what the person will do to you again.They had a lady on there who's husband left 3 times and she finally filed for divorce. www.DRPHIL.COM
I have not talked to Ken,nor has he called...
It's just weird....emotions up and down.But I will Live through this,and It can only make me stronger....I hope my son will be proud of me someday.Thanx Krista and everyone else I'll be posting here and there with an update,or a vent....and some moral support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My moms so funny she drove by the ladies house and yes he of course was there.I just wonder how long it will take before he gets sick of her?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Hugs,
Mary

i read all the post , ad i just can admire you , you are being strong for you and your son !..
i just know that everything will be alright with you , i guess coping with this must be really hard , i just wish you the best and happiness ..

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Erika,and Pepper....Thank you,for your for your posts...I'm sooo Thankful I found this site it has been WONDERFUL.The People are wonderful,And I don't feel like I'm the only one out there dealing with this.

Hugs to all*

Mary and Kieran(my little boy)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hi just thought I would write vent alittle.Last Night Ken(h)came over after work to see his son.The minute I opened the door he started crying and hugging our son.He was very emotional,it was sad for me to see him so sad.
He told me he would soon be ready to put our relationship back together he was 98% sure I'm the one.I just listened didn't say anything cause everytime I spoke up he would say "will ya just listen to me"
He asked me to come to our old place to talk next week...I told him what ever he needed to talk to me about he could tell me here.
Well he just kept saying he was waiting for me to prove one thing to him before he completly would give up all relationships.
Hmmmmmm he seemed so sincere but He would have to do a 180 and I'm not seeing that.
Now he says he's staying in Michigan moving in with a buddie.
It's wierd everytime I see him he's becoming more and more weaker looking and acting.He's so skinny now,and doesn't look healthy his clothes are falling off him.He's seems emotionally unstable,he tryed hugging me and kissing me goodbye I moved away and wouldn't let him.
Did I do what was right? It's hard to be so harse,and I'm not a mean person...so it's very hard to see him like this...eeeeeeee
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Whats wrong with me,since I saw Stbx crying,and flirting,trying to put the moves on me.It really played with my head,I have to guard my heart.
He called today I shouldn't have answered but I did..and he asked me if I would let him take me out for dinner this week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Oh Boy,I still Love this man,but I haven't seen enough of a change with the history we have.
Just needed to vent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

first off, the only thing wrong with you is a long memory. you can remember the man you fell in love with, the man he used to be, and you miss him. nothing wrong with that. as long as you also remember that man no longer exsists, he's dead now. while it is possible that given time and effort this relationship could be fixed, it will never be the same. you have to go on with what is now, instead of what was! but it sure doesn't look good at moment. if you don't mind my asking, you said he claims there's one thing you have to change before he'll even consider coming back, what was that one thing? because no matter what it is, i can't believe after all his actions he'd think that you're the one with something to prove here. have you wrote him a letter about what you'd need for him to do in order for you to even consider taking him back? if it were me, i'd include 6 months of living on his own, with no other women during this time and with counseling. he's the one who cheated, hurt you, brought other women into your house, and it would take a major effort on his part to fix all the damage he's caused you. no matter what you've done wrong, his behavior is inexcusable. he could have left you or insisted on you getting help, instead he chose to emotionally violate you in hideous ways. you want to know why he's upset? because he sees you surviving without him. that wasn't supposed to happen! you were supposed to fall apart, be willing to accept any sick behavior he felt like indulging in, and just be glad he allows you the pleasure of spending any time with him at all. how dare you be strong! but you are, and you can survive without him, which has to be scary for him. if you want my advice, i'm not sure dinner is such a good idea yet. why would you go? he's not willing to change, or even admit to any responsibility, so his only purpose is probably to suck you back into his game. another question, are there drugs involved here? gosh, i sure hope not! if you do go to dinner, maybe the kids should go to, unless it will get nasty. but don't let him pull you back by playing the victim. after all, he not only did this to himself, but is continuing to do it on daily basis! and in meantime, keep working on making yourself stronger. it's my guess that it won't be long before you can look at him, mourn the man he was and just pity what he has willingly become.