I have posted mostly on the Why Women Leave Men Board on MB and very little here on this board.<P>However, this board seems to get more responses so here goes. If you are interested, you might first read my profile to get some background.<P>I never dreamed I would be writing a letter like this. After nearly 4 years of being separated, I am finally giving up.<P>My wife left me in February of 1996 and I take all the blame. However, during this time I did everything possible spiritually, naturally and financially in dealing with what caused her to leave.<P>By the way, we have been married for 33-1/2 years, 4 beautiful children, 2 grand-children and we are both Christians and in fact, both ministers.<P>During the separation, we dated (each other) off and on several times with some very positive results. However, also during this time my wife continued to go on mission trips overseas, staying gone several months at a time with no contact to me.<P>I believed, prayed, cried, didn't date, remained faithful to both her and our marriage vows. <P>What hurt me was, she felt ministry was more important than marriage and the home. During the separation she has made at least 6 trips overseas for 2 to 3 months at a time.<P>She left in April of this year and isn't planning on returning til Feb of 2000. As a result, she missed her daughter's high school graduation, 18th birthday and basically has abandoned her family.<P>Before she left in April, we had breakfast and she left me a note saying "It's not over til the fat lady sings and she hasn't sung yet". She then signed the note "Love, D...."<P>Then in June of this year, she sent me a letter (very angry) and told me the marriage had been over for a long time, the fat lady had sung and 'if' she came home in Feb, she would only do so long enough to see friends and family and then return (Jordan & Africa).<P>She also indicated there was nothing to come home to and she wasn't coming back. <P>I experienced every emotion God ever created during the past nearly 4 hours. I stood my ground and swore I would never divorce her. That even if she did divorce me, I would stay single for the rest of my life and believe for our restoration.<P>Then, at the first of this month (December), I finally gave up (surrendered). I decided to release her to her 'calling'. Then about a week later I actually felt a 'release' from the marriage and I no longer wanted restoration.<P>Guess the crowning blow came when I asked my son (who handles her business) for her address so I could send her a package. I was sending her a letter telling her I was setting her free and that she had succeeded in destroying any hope for our restoration.<P>I was also going to send back my wedding ring and pictures of us.<P>Anyway, my son said she didn't want me to have her address (even tho' the other kids have it). Then Xmas morning, I awoke and deep down inside I really hoped she might call me.<P>Found out she called all the kids. but she never called me. Then on Xmas Day at my son's, I found out according to her, the marriage has been over for sometime.<P>I can't believe the peace I finally have and God only knows how hard I tried to bring my family together during this time. The many,lonely hours I prayed and cried over this marriage.<P>As I mentioned, during the separation, we dated off/on and yet...if I made one little mistake..she would withdraw from me for weeks and months at a time with no communication.<P>One time during the separation from August 97 to October 98, I didn't see her for 14 months and she lived less than 3 minutes from me.<P>I guess it has been the total lack of communication that finally destroyed my desire for restoration.<P>What I am trying to say is...I honestly never dreamed I would be released from this marriage (emotionally). I honestly do not want to be restored to her...I release her to her ministry and calling.<P>I am not mad or bitter at her or God, even though for a while, I was mad at God because I felt He had promised to restore us. Then, did He fail? No....because my wife has a free will and God will never cross another person's free will.<P>I believe the reason God finally released me from the marriage was He didn't want to see me hurt anymore. Only He knows how many friday and saturday nights I begged and prayed for a chance to see my wife, to date her, court her, love her and rebuild.<P>How many friday/saturday nights I went to bed at 7-8 pm, not because I was tired but rather because I was lonely and bored.<P>I guess I just got to the place where I can't do this anymore. In the letter I am sending to her (Registered Mail) sent by my son..I told her she had already divorced me in her heart, but she just hadn't made it official with the State of Texas.<P>I asked her to please make it official when she got home in February. I am convinced she won't divorce me because she wants me to file so I will look like the 'bad guy'. However, I am convinced that the person that leaves is the one who has to come back or be the one to file for divorce.<P>I never dreamed I would say this, because I hate divorce (and so does God)...but if she doesn't file, I am going to. Basically, she has deserted and abandoned me for nearly 4 years (no sex at all during this time) and I know it is time to go on with my life.<P>The crazy thing about the whole mess is..I was so loyal and faithful to her...we were both virgins when we got married back in 1966 and she is the only woman I have ever made love to.<P>Even my daughter in law said if I did file for divorce, no-one could blame me because she knows how hard I tried to make this marriage work.<P>The bottom line is...my wife has made certain choices of which none involve me. I will no longer fight or struggle concerning this. I now release her to her ministry and calling (from what I hear, she is happy & fulfilled).<P>However, I have always believed she is hiding in ministry and refusing to deal with her marriage.<P>I am more convinced than ever that marriage and the home/family come before ministry because God created marriage/family before He created the Church.<P>Sad to say there are many Christian homes, even Pastors and ministers that are being destroyed.<P>God would never, ever destroy a home or family over ministry and my wife told me she was 'called' before she met me and her calling took priority over her marriage.<P>In closing.....I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody...or if anybody knows how I feel.<P>I just never dreamed I would ever reach the point when I would give up and no longer have any desire for restoration. My wife is still the mother of our children but I no longer have any feelings for her except as a woman I 'used' to know.<P>I will love again and start over! It is really sad that my wife will probably never know and experience the changes God has made in me over the past 4 years. When I re-marry my new wife is going to benefit from all the mistakes I made and I will do all I know to do with God's grace to make my home/marriage heaven on earth!<P>I guess I really don't expect any responses, just felt like sharing my heart with you. However any responses would be welcomed!<P>[censored] from Texas<BR>

[censored],<BR>I'm new to the separation thing, and I don't know if I would have the strength to let it go on for 4 years. The way I see it is, your wife forgot what her vows were. God blesses family unions and would not want her to neglect her family, no matter what the reason. I'm glad that you have finally found the strength to let go and let God. I pray you will be able to move on and be happy now.

[censored],<P>I have been married to my H for 33years so I can relate to the committment of time you have in your relationship. <P>It would seem from your post that you have done exactly what the Lord would require of a person to bring restoration to a relationship. Forgiveness comes in the beginning and of course that is our starting point when we have been negligent in our marriage. You have done that initial act of acknowledging your part in the problem. <P>Trouble is there are 2 people involved and of course you cannot do anything in regards to your wife and her need to acknowledge dependency on God for the healing of your marriage.<P>God's perfect will is restoration but he does give a permissive will for situations like this and I believe that is the reason he allows divorce, due to man's/women's hardness of heart.<P>I don't believe in divorce either but it would seem that your wife views things differently. God will bless you for your desire to restore your marriage. It would be wonderful if all of our situations had a happy ending but then we do live in a fallen world. Hopefully one day your wife will come to realize what God's perfect will is and desire that. Sad to say she is compromising her ministry if she puts that before her marriage.<P>God Bless You and encourage your heart with His love.

[censored],<P>Yes, you are a testament to courage and fortitude here...4 YEARS????????????<P>I doubt I could go that long. Funny Taj mentions hardness of heart - my H also has hardness of heart and will not forgive me for a brief EA two years ago.... <P>I know that God will bless our life and put new resources at your hands and bring new people into your life to enrich it. You have followed His plan and abided by His wishes and that is all any human can do.<P>Wishing you the peace, joy and happiness you truly deserve!!!!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

[censored],<BR>I had been following your story.<BR>I thank God that you have reached a point of moving on with the blessing of God. <BR>I think God can sometimes test us to find out if we are putting him first, and all else second - but God is a loving God, and even when he tested Abraham - he brought in a sacrifice so Abraham didn't follow through with killing Isaac. And God would have done the same in this situation if it were a test. He would have brought in something that would have shown your wife that God blesses marriage, and that she passed the test (if it were a test.) Clearly, your wife is misinterpreting this entire situation, and it is not God at all that demanded that this marriage end.<P>God Bless you.<BR>tnt

To:<P>TrustnTruth, Taj and Roll Me Away<P>Thank you all for your kind responses to this post.<P>I receive your words of encouragement and God knows my heart that I didn't want this to end like it did.<P>It's just after 3 years and 10 months of standing and believing....I just couldn't do this anymore.<P>God knows my heart and the changes He has wrought in me. I take ALL the blame for the destruction of my home.....it's just when I let Him deal with me and change me...guess it was too late.<P>I know this is the Infidelity Board and my case really has nothing to do with Infidelity<BR>but there are so many wonderful Christian people here that I felt it was a good place to share.<P>I am sorry, but I will always believe God puts the home/marriage/family ahead of ministry.<P>I also came to the place where I realized if you have to force someone to come to your or force something to happen,....then it isn't worth it and you just need to let it die!<P>I still can't believe how free I feel and how much peace I have right now. I honestly never dreamed I would ever lose the desire to be restored but it happened.<P>Again to you who responded....thank you so much for your input....God Bless each of you!<P>[censored] from Texas

[censored],<BR>I'm not sure if this post is a goodbye to all of us, but I want to take the opportunity to thank you for helping me, when I was posting as Mrs. Mush 4 Brains. <BR>God Bless you both, and continue to increase his gifts to you, especially the gift of discernment.<BR>tnt

Dear [censored],<P>Your story mirrors mine in many ways as does your present attitude. I think the problem with "people like us" is that we tend to be very responsible about our attitude and behavior and the results that ensue. We carry this over to marriage and take an enormous amount of responsibility when things go wrong. The problem is that MARRIAGE IS A PARTNERSHIP. You can't have one by yourself no matter how responsible and diligent you are. It takes the efforts of both partners. Although you don't seem to be saying it, I'm willing to bet that you still occasionally review the past 33 years looking for things you could have done differently - and finding some. Undoubtably there are things. However, whatever her reasons, it seems to me that your wife bears significant responsibility for her lack of effort to seek reconciliation with you. In effect, she has abandoned you and her marriage vows.<P>On another note, I do not know nor do I want to know the group or groups with which your wife is affiliated in her mission work. However, as a Christian, I am appalled that they are willing to have her working with them in the mission field. What kind of a Christian group would permit a person to abandon their marriage and family to work in the mission field? Not one I want to be affiliated with or to support in any way. I couldn't feel more strongly that they are also at fault here. They should have interviewed her and screened her better and simply sent her home and admonished her to be reconciled to you after looking closely at the unresolved nature of her marriage and family life. No Christian has a higher calling than to serve their family in love. I have no respect at all for any Christian individual or group that puts "missions" above that. There is no higher calling or mission than the one to our own family.<P>Happy New Year, my brother.<P>Murray

[censored],<BR>You posted to me a couple of times on Why Women Leave Men and I rember your story.<P>I am sorry that your marriage is ending but I am happy that you have found peace with yourself. I and the Lord know, as well as you do, that you have done everything in your power to save your marriage.<P>As you well know, God has a plan for all of us, including this. Now is the time to wait for his direction as to what may be instore for your life next.<P>Again I am so sorry.<P>May God continue to bless you and your family.<P>Bob

[censored],<P>I think the story of the prodigal son is something from Christ's teaching that may be worth reflection. To me, the story has lots of applicable wisdom.<P>Similar to the prodigal son, your wife and everyone else makes decisions based on their own emotional and intellectual state at the time. And each of us directs the course of their life based on these decisions. I think the real wisdom in the story is the behavior of the father. There is no record in the story of the father attempting to limit the son's activities or judge or condemn him. The grace that the father displays was to allow the son to grow and learn from his own mistakes. The father knew that the son would waste a squander a large portion of the wealth he had worked hard to gain over the course of his life. But sometimes the lessons we learn in life cost at least that much. And to the father, the son's growth was worth the money and the pain.<P>What happened to the son? Eventually he came to realize that ultimately his way of living was not successful. Perhaps he had to loose everything and wallow with the pigs before he could look at his beliefs and see the ends his means had led him to. He had no one left to blame save himself, and nothing left but the ruins he brought upon himself. Sometimes it takes this sort of experience before people can let go of their pride and seriously reflect on their own weaknesses.<P>But what was happening back at home all this time? Did the father know his son was coming back? Probably not. To the father, his son was lost to the world. He probably grieved, prayed, hoped, cried, all of it. But eventually life went on. He focused on the family and the business he still had. He didn't stop living because his son made some bad choices.<P>When the son returned, he returned a new and more mature person. He let go of his pride and came back expecting nothing. He didn't even know if his father would see him. But yet the father opened his arms and welcomed him back with a large celebration. They slaughtered calves, drank wine, etc. Big party. This man held no bitterness. He even had a place in the family business for him, although not with the expectation of any further inheritance.<P>My advice to you, I think can be found in this story. Let your wife go. She has her own path she must follow. She has her own hardened heart. If you believe in God, have enough faith to believe he will be working on her heart. But also know that we are his hands and his eyes. It is through how you (and others) act that she will see this love we call the love of God. Do not be impatient with these things. Do not rush to the aid of a hardened heart that God is working on. If you do, you may interfere with his work. Be patient and wait until he is done.<P>All that said, it is time for you to let go of her and get on with your life. It sounds like you have a strong and supportive family, a career in the church, and therefore I would assume many parishioners who depend on your guidance. This to me is obviously where God wants you to focus right now. It is the work he has laid out for you. Focus on yourself, your work, your principles, and your family.<P>Do not let your frustration and anger harden your own heart. Fact is you don't know if your wife will ever be back. But that is not your question for today. That is her question and only she can answer it. Your question for today is the work that lies in front of you. The things you can do something about. Tomorrow will be enough for itself. I sense there is a great deal of ambiguity in your life right now, and that you wish you could take control of it and gain some certainty. But all you can do by going that route is close doors. When the time is right to divorce, you will know. Maybe you will have met someone else, maybe she will divorce you, who knows? But at this point what do you really gain by closing that door? I don't see what you are doing in your life that this contract interferes with. Don't do it out of anger or revenge. Don't do it out of frustration either.<P>It sound like you have a great many responsibilities and people who depend on you. Put your efforts there. By focussing on your wife, who does not want your help right now, you are wasting your energy. There may be someone else in your life who needs you. If that is where your efforts are best placed, don't waste them elsewhere.<BR>