I need to move into plan B in order to protect myself from any further harm. The last couple of weeks have been almost as hard as just after D-day. WW had been coming back around, but I saw her turn right back around. I have seen OM's car going to and coming from our house at least three different times in the past 10 days. I can't take this continued exposure any more. WW wanted us to be friends through the D. Her words from the first day. I can't do this anymore, and hope to continue functioning. The only reason that I am still able to even get out of bed each day is because of our two boys.

I was going to contact OM's wife and reconsidered after a lot of thought of my wife's retaliation, as you may have read in my previous post. I think that she may already know anyway. I saw his car leaving our house at 7:45 this morning. Must have spent the night.

Here goes. Pretty long, so tell me where I should make any cuts or changes.

--------------------------------------------------Dear WW,

It is with great difficulty that I find myself writing this letter.

The last five months have been harder than I could have ever imagined. The only reason that I am still around to even write to you now is our boys, and the hope that we could come to a point to start all over again with our marriage. This time, putting into place some principals that I have come to learn about since our seperation. Both through seeing my counselor and reading some very awakening material from marriage counselors.

I know that you have been unhappy for several years and I wish that one of us could have realized how much our relationship was in trouble at that time, and seek out the right help. I knew something was seriously wrong back when you used to come home when I was getting up for work in the mornings, back about four years ago. At the time I thought that the things that were bothering you were, still suffering from losing your son (I know you always will) and our financial situation. When I saw you suffering and not being able to tell me what it was, I thought that I could make things better if only I could give more to you. Well, I could have given you more, just not what I was trying to give you. I tried to make more money by working more hours to help with the finances, and when I could, I would try to give gifts to you that I thought would make you happier. I only knew that early on in our relationship my gifts to you seemed to make you so happy that I thought that would fill the void. I know now, that you were hungering for something more than that. I have seen that hunger in you from way before I was ever part of your life. From way back when that little girl would write to her mother begging for affection.

I have to admit that I have not been happy for several years myself also. I have realized some of what has made me this way. My counselor and the books that I have been involved with have awakened me to some of what I too have hungered for most of my life. I have been starved for words of affirmation, admiration, and physical touch for much of my life. I’ve learned that it isn’t unusual or unrealistic to feel these needs. But when either spouses emotional needs goes unmet there develops a huge hole in their life. I know that is part of the reason why I have a hard time getting along with my parents like I wish we could. I know you have seen that I was raised in an environment of criticism rather than that of encouragement. I know that my parents love me, but when I am so hungry for their approval and encouragement and instead I always seem to hear them questioning my every decision, or having some critical statement to make, it makes me lash out. I know that I sought to have those same emotional needs fulfilled in each one of my jobs also. I always felt the need to make everything perfect to get those words that I was starving for. I also really think that, that is why I was so addicted to the networking business. I couldn’t get those emotional needs filled from my home life or my job, but I always heard those words, and felt those needs filled when I was listening to those tapes, going to meetings, seminars, and conventions. The people there always told me that I was good enough, that I could do it.

I've learned now that most married couples go through their lives trying to fulfill their spouses emotional needs based on what their own needs are, rather than learning their partners needs and focusing on fulfilling those. As a result, if each focuses on fulfilling the others needs it makes for an incredibly close marriage. Almost all husbands and wives have opposite emotional needs, so it really unrealistic to expect them to instinctively know this. It’s pretty unrealistic of me to try and summarize all of the concepts that I’ve learned here in a few pages.

Anyway, the real reason why I am writing this letter is the hard part. I love you and always have. I spent the first 20 years of my life looking for you, and when I found you, you were even more than I could have hoped for. When I married you, it was for life. I still want to be married to you for life. I am finding myself in a dangerous place with my love for you. I have been hurt so much by your actions and involvement with OM that I find myself beginning to dislike you more than I love you. I felt you coming back towards our marriage several weeks ago and then like a snap, I felt you turn back around. I cannot tell you how deeply it hurts me to see his car heading to, and leaving our home (at least what was our home) when I am taking the boys to school and picking them up. I feel like you want to rub your relationship with this married man in my face. I don’t even know who you are any more. The woman I married would have never done this. I have a hard time really believing that this makes you truly happy inside. I know that it may fill some need right now. But I know that the last time that I saw you this thin was after your son died. If you can really convince yourself that this is truly what you want in your life, then you are not the woman that I want in my life any more at all. You tell me that the boys are more important than anything to you. Your actions and decisions during the last five months say otherwise. I hate the fact that you think that they will be ok, through all of this. You have to know that they will carry this scar throughout their whole life. They’ve already seen you with him, and will know in later years that what was going on was not right. You know as well, if not better than I do, that children learn what they are shown more than what they are told. I can’t stand the thought of telling our oldest son that we will not be together as a family for Christmas. He told my parents the other night that we would be having Christmas together at our house as a family. He seems to remember us telling him that, when we seperated.

Because of the way I am feeling, and to protect myself from any further pain, and also to keep myself from getting to a place where I hate you, I have to insist that you no longer contact me in any way at all. That means that I don’t want you calling me, emailing me, or coming into my parents house. I talked to sister in law and I believe that she will act as the go between for us as far as any communication. I’m sure that she can also relay any phone calls when necessary. You can email her your schedule each week and I will be responsible for watching the boys when you are working or otherwise, pretty much like it has been. If you need to drop the boys off after school before you go to work, then you can usually drop them off at my parents office. If for some reason either sister in law or my parents aren’t available, I know that the boys can get from the car to the house by themselves just fine. I know you don’t want this for them and neither do I, but I have to do this to protect myself from any further contact with you as long as you choose to be involved with OM. You say you know how I feel, but since you haven’t gone through what I am, you don’t know what I truly am feeling any more than I can ever feel your experience with losing your. If I continue on with the way things have been I don’t know if I will be able to be here for our boys. The only exception to you contacting me directly would be for any medical emergency involving the boys or when you decide to end ALL contact with OM. Until then I cannot, and will not have any contact with you, or see you. I am not doing this to “punish”, you, or “get back” at you. This is only about protecting myself from any further harm.

When this affair ends I would love to discuss the possibility of recovery and reconciliation. I have come to learn that there are ways to do this and create a marriage that was better than we have ever had before. I know that neither one of us wants to go back to the way things have been.

All that’s left of my love, still your husband, Biscayne

------------------------------------------------

Thanks folks and God Bless

Revised version:

Dear WW,

I find it very difficult to write this letter.I love you and always have. I spent the first 20 years of my life looking for you, and when I found you, you were even more than I could have hoped for. When I married you, it was for life. I still want to be married to you for life. I am truly sorry for my part in contributing to our marriage in every way that made you feel so alone. I am finding myself in a dangerous place with my love for you. I have been hurt so much by your actions and involvement with OM that I find myself beginning to dislike you more than I love you. I felt you coming back towards our marriage several weeks ago and then like a snap, I felt you turn back around. I cannot tell you how deeply it hurts me to see his car heading to, and leaving our home (at least what was our home) when I am taking the boys to school and picking them up. I feel like you want to rub your relationship with this married man in my face. I don’t even know who you are any more. The woman I married would have never done this. I have a hard time really believing that this makes you truly happy inside. I know that it may fill some need right now. But I know that the last time that I saw you this thin was after your son died. If you can really convince yourself that this is truly what you want in your life, then you are not the woman that I want in my life any more at all. You tell me that the boys are more important than anything to you. Your actions and decisions during the last five months say otherwise. I hate the fact that you think that they will be "ok", through all of this. You have to know that they will carry this scar throughout their whole life. They’ve already seen you with him, and will know in later years that what was going on was not right. You know as well, if not better than I do, that children learn what they are shown more than what they are told. I can’t stand the thought of telling our oldest son that we will not be together as a family for Christmas. He told my parents the other night that we would be having Christmas together at our house as a family. He seems to remember us telling him that, when we seperated.

Because of the way I am feeling, and to protect myself from any further pain, and also to keep myself from getting to a place where I hate you, I have to insist that you no longer contact me in any way at all. That means that I don’t want you calling me, emailing me, or coming into my parents house. I talked to sister in law and I believe that she will act as the go between for us as far as any communication. I’m sure that she can also relay any phone calls when necessary. You can email her your schedule each week and I will be responsible for watching the boys when you are working or otherwise, pretty much like it has been. If you need to drop the boys off after school before you go to work, then you can usually drop them off at my parents office. If for some reason either sister in law or my parents aren’t available, I know that the boys can get from the car to the house by themselves just fine. I know you don’t want this for them and neither do I, but I have to do this to protect myself from any further contact with you as long as you are involved with OM. You say you know how I feel, but since you haven’t gone through what I am, you don’t know what I truly am feeling any more than I can ever feel your experience with losing your son. The only exception to you contacting me directly would be for any medical emergency involving the boys or when you have ended ALL contact with OM. Until then I cannot, and will not have any contact with you, or see you. I am not doing this to “punish”, you, or “get back” at you. This is only about protecting myself from any further harm, and before my love for you dwindles away any further.

When this affair ends I would love to discuss the possibility of recovery and reconciliation. I have come to learn that there are ways to do this and create a marriage that was better than we have ever had before. I know that neither one of us wants to go back to the way things have been.

All that’s left of my love, still your husband, Biscayne

Any Better?

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Biscayne ]</small>