My H has been back and forth between an EA and a PA. He has remained obsessed with the other person. He frequently speaks of wanting to leave.... Not being happy with me, etc. I've posted more detail on other topics. My question here is this: Is it appropriate to move to Plan B if the affair has ended but the spouse is not on board for recovery or do I just wait out the fog with Plan A? He's been home since May and is actively admitting to not knowing which direction he's going to choose. It's tearing me apart and I'm realizing that none of my needs are being met. The focus of all our efforts has been only about him.

Is your H still in contact with the OP?

I'm not 100% sure. If he is, I don't think it's frequent. There's nothing on phone records (she lives in another town), but I'm sure they email from time to time. He still is emotionally attached to some extent. He recently circled her birthdate on his calendar. Regardless, leaving is still very much an option to him. I can't find any stability here. Even to plan a few weeks out - I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

for any healing to happen, this woman has to be totally gone. no contact means none, no email, no phone, nothing! as long as he hangs on to the relationship with her, part of him will resist any efforts on your part to fix your own. what did you say when you say her birthday circled? have you told him you can't and won't live like this? he's keeping one foot out the door it seems, ready at any moment to bolt, and that's not fair to you! it may just take a drastic move on your part to force him to realize what he stands to lose. right now he doesn't have to make any hard decisions and is content to just float around aimlessly. rock his boat and let him either sink away or swim to you and safety! but only if you're willing to live with consequences of his choice. otherwise just keep taking it! that may sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like you have any other choice with him.

timetogo,

You take your H too early. His A is not ended properly. Read on How A should ends. Orchid has many false start and I always tease her for it, she hold the throphy for #of false start until she learned how to let go and leran how to talk to the fog.

How are you doing ?, how is your LB$ rank now compare to critical dates that you have on your signature ?. Could you talk to H w/o LB ?. Could you give us more detail on your conversations with H on R ?. I always advice BS to consult with the pro. to answer your question about time to go to plan B ... Hon, try to call MB. It seems a lot of $ but if you know all the MB concept and you have journal of event written down, your session will be very productive. SH gave me advice on the first session and skipping all MB concept talk. We are here to share our experience and lend a shoulder to lean on. This is my oppinion. Reread Orchid's post about plan A/B from Harley ... I know why she post it, there are many BS has wrong idea about plan A lately and most of it had been answered by Harley's article. Yes, it seems you are candidate for plan B but there is another way. Learn how to talk back to the fog ! and make sure next time you make H ends A properly. Orchid will be able to help you out. She learned not to LB'ed and deployed "tough love" to H, what a Venusian Lady. However you have to be strong and ready the same way if you go to plan B. You have to be in acceptance not bargaining.

Only you could decide to go to plan B and live with your decision.
-RH-

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

We had a big blow out tonight. We talked more about our situation. My husband says that he knows he's not being fair to me. He's not happy and can't seem to generate the right kind of feelings for me. He says that when he thinks about leaving, he doesn't necessarily think he'll be any happier, so he stays. Basically waiting until the right answer comes to him.

My trying to meet his emotional needs seems to leave him cold. He says that he knows he's not meeting mine. He knows that I deserve better. He's not buying into any of my relationship books, including LB. He says he doesn't believe in the concept of "fake it till you feel it". I guess to stay here knowing how he feels about me is pretty stupid. I'm not going to make any rash decisions just yet, but these are the same things he been saying to me for a year and a half and there's been no progress. I don't know how to make someone feel love toward you. I think he is depressed in general as well but will get no help for that. Is it his depression that's making him feel this way or are his feelings making him depressed? Loving wife, beautiful kids, but can't seem to love her.... Boy, does this hurt...

timetogo,

If you could afford it please get a proffesional help from MB. IMVHO. You take your H too early and your story is awfully similiar to Orchid's and Orchid successfully save her M and in recovery right now. Please read Orchid's post from earlier this year or email her ... she is a giver, she won't declined to help you out. You need to learn how to talk to the fog !!!. You have to realize that this kind of Zombie Married or Stale M is not healty for you or your kids. Sooner or latter either H is gone or you will start hating your H for what he has done.

Basically you have to refuse to fillin his ENs and no LB yet don't take H's bullsh!t. If H says he could not decide then you say you won't be treating him as H until he decides. Or decide to go to plan B but judging from your post where you seems to be able to controll you emotion, you should try tough love and let H stays.

Good luck -rh-

I'm just about at my wits end. My husband is basically ready to leave. I feel I can't continue like this and maintain any self respect. I've tried to set an appt. w/ MB but the available times have been difficult. I've gone back to work since A. I feel so sad because there are so many good things in our relationship. I'm going to miss my partnership with our kids. Our little girl is sick tonight. No one will be here worried with me. No one to hold me. I know that this life is not what I deserve, but the other doesn't seem really appealing tonight. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm so angry that he's taken our life and made it disposible. That's just not ok. And its just so damn sad.....

timetogo,

Again I don't think you should go to plan B right now. Why ?. IMVHO. You are not ready yet. Please read Orchid's post last year to early this year ... she does 'tough love'. Post back here for more detail. A is the cruelest thing that WS could impose upon BS and yes, it is not fair at all. This is why when the cow comes home they have to ammends BS by working on M 1,000%.

Sorry late reply, I have technical difficulty. -rh-