Here's my story, any advice or insights will be good. Short version....

With my wife 6 years before marriage. Married last year. After 6 months she had affair with co-worker she has worked with many years before we met. Didn't like the guy before, doesn't want to be with him nor with her. However, she wants to "date" other people while we're separated to "find out who she really is" She 26 me 31 two kids, one from her previous relationship one our own. Currently going to counseling to, in her words "see if I should try to make it work between us" I: willing to move past event and to work on the emotional needs I wasn't providing her. She: not willing to really discuss those items and wants space.

Now what? Plan A or skip to Plan B while she's "dating" others.

ANY insight helpful and needed.

Welcome to MB. We are her to lend support and share our experience. For advice please call MB for conseling. Please lean as much as you can about MB. Specially if you have not go through basic concept. Here is Orchid's recent [url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020796]post[/b]. Read is and ask more question.

You have to be in plan A no question about it. There is no plan B w/o plan A !. It is a requirement. Many BS in plan A while A is still going on and WS is cake eating. A quiz for you after you read plan A/B and basic concept ... Is plan A effective if your WS doesn't see it ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . ... What is your plan A ?, hints:list of actions.

-RH-

Here's my list of actions Redhat (and others):

Nice her to death without enabling her to date. That is: I will help her pack and move items out to new place. Will make myself available for "dating" her. Occassionally send cards flowers etc. letting her know that I'm still there (even though she's put me through emotional hell). Maybe ask her to accompany me on short trips, vacations etc. without discussion of affair and my torment. Me: I won't date or if I do it will not be looking for another. I will continue to wear my wedding band (even though she isn't) continue with counseling togther and by myself. Concentrate on my Kids, job, and spiritual growth.

any other things? keep me posted.

Bandit,

Good start ... the answer to the first question is "Effective plan A is a list of actions that show you are changed man or you are capable to change for WS to see/evaluate. So you could plan A'ng to death if your WS doesn't see it that you are doing something then you fail from the get go.

You list is good but I would like you to go back in time before D-day ... what were her complain in M about you ?. As simple as not bringing the garbage out to as hard as fail to remember your wedding Anniv. If she brought an issue more than once most likely that issue is a plan A material. Now, after D-day ... listen to her words, there are some issues that are purely excuses to justify her action but there are some that is you "must" to do list of plan A, those issues are usually facts and usually she brought it up before D-day. Make sense ?.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Nice her to death without enabling her to date.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may and it may not be paln A material. Nice to her is part of no LB which is a requirement in plan A but not plan A itself !. Others in your list are good thing to do (yes, you have to show her that you beleive both of you could be happy again if both of you try) but effective plan A is actions that made up from her issues in M about you.

Side question, who moved out ? why ? it is harder to plan A from far. If you could control your emotion (i.e no LB) it is advisable you stay in the same household.

-rh-

Redhat,

My wife decided that she wanted to move out so that she could have her space. I agree that Plan A from afar is not as effective and have told her several times that I would love for her to stay in our home.

Interestingly, WS NEVER told me of issues that were not meeting her EN. I read hn/hn book several months before d-day because of suspicion and asked her to be very specific about what her needs were of me. Very uncommunicative, or doesn't know how to express what her EN were. She says that she would like to date because she feels she missed that part of her life (college years) that her friends and I experienced. (She had children at 19 and 21).

When asked what EN the OM fulfilled for Her, the answer was he was a party guy and very outgoing. We'll my friend I have had enough partying and would now like to be settled in a nuclear family.
Of course I love going out. But this person represented the part of her life she feels she missed and would like to capture now. Thus, I feel the EN or needs here is VERY complicated.

I cannot tell you what her EN are since she doesn't even know herself. flippin crazy. She did tell me I hugged her too much. Thus I have reduced myself to hugging her very infrequently or only with her permission.

Trust me I am begging her to tell me what the things I must do are. I WANT TO CHANGE but she is unwilling or unable to tell me what her needs are. She thinks by dating (while married)she will be able to figure these out. Tell me, how can I PLAN A in this crazy [censored] situation?

Somebondy please tell ME!!!! Please!!!

oppsh

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>Bandit,

How is your married prior to D-day and/or prior to when you suspect A ?. How she rates you as a husband ? Who is this OM ?. She just played you along ... guess at her ENs, you should know ... she is your W !!!.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Tell me, how can I PLAN A in this crazy [censored] situation?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Depend on your answer above, you might just have to do tough love or going to plan B. Read the link on enabling under my signature. Post more detail on what you think and why you think your WS starting A. For now ... stop begging, stop asking R, go by your lists, take care of yourself ... such as buy new parfume, change your look - get hair cut ... go out w/o WW. Prepare plan B letter and consult with your lawyer, she wants to be a cake eater and it is up to you to put the stop on this.

-RH-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Bandit and RH,
Insomnia here, so I'm crashing your thread. But something stood out that I had to comment on. I noticed in your second post, Bandit, you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Me: I won't date or if I do it will not be looking for another. I will continue to wear my wedding band (even though she isn't) continue with counseling togther and by myself. Concentrate on my Kids, job, and spiritual growth. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my very humble opinion, anything that even gives the appearance of dating at this point would be a definite LB for your wife - even if she doesn't admit it now- not to mention possibly not in your own best interests either. (Sorry guys, I just had to say it.)

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 04:31 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

avondale25,

It is ok, I can not sleep either helping OMxW via the phone. I think you missread my intention. I am not telling bandit to look for R or gave impression to WW that he is looking. Bandit have to take care of himself plus different physical appearance is for WW to notice something is changing and start noticing his actions more closely.

-rh-

Hi RH,
No, actually I don't think I misread you, I suppose my comment was directed to Bandit. He said "If I date I will not be looking for another". My point was that he shouldn't date at all. The lines of "looking" and "not looking" are very blurred, even in the best scenarios. At this point I thought it would be a complication to his situation, that's all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sleeplessness is a bummer, isn't it? LOL

Bandit, definately don't date. File for a divorce and wait until it is finalized first if you want to date.

Plan A of course for now if you have any desire to save the M.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: aanast2 ]</small>