MY H LEFT HOME ON JUNE 1, 2002. D-DAY WAS MEMORIAL DAY. ONE MONTH LATER HE GOT AN APARTMENT SAYING HE NEEDED TIME ALONE TO THINK ( FAMOUS LAST WORDS ). IT'S GOING ON 6 MONTHS SINCE HE'S BEEN GONE OUT OF OUR HOUSE BUT COMES AROUND AND CERTAIN DAYS REGUALALY.. I AM NOT FOR SURE IF THERE IS CONTACT WITH OW OR NOT. HE WORKS WITH HER AND IF HE IS SEEING HER I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE CAN FIT TIME IN. I'VE ASK HIM ABOUT IT WITHOUT LBING BUT HE REFUSES TO SAY. JUST TRIES TO ACT LIKE HE IS'T. I NEED TO SET BOUNDRIES BUT, I DONT KNOW HOW OR WHAT. I AM IN PLAN A NOW AND HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WORK ON ME. I THINK I AM DOING A OKAY JOB OF IT BUT I KNOW I AM LETTING MY H GETTING AWAY WITH TOO MUCH BY GOING BACK AND FORTH. HE COMES AND GOES WHEN HE PLEASES.HE IS HERE AT OUR HOUSE A LOT, I WANT HIM TO STOP ACTING LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 14 YEARS TOGETHER 20 YEARS. WE HAVE TWO BOYS 13 & 7. EVERYTIME THEY ASK HIM WHEN HE'S COMING HOME HE GETS MAD AND TELLS THEM TO STOP ASKING AND THEN I GET MAD AND SHUT DOWN. WHAT SHOULD I DO I TRY TO MEET HIS EN'S BUT FEEL LIKE I'M LOOSING ME ALONG THE WAY. CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME INSIGHT, I'VE READ NATURAL CONSEQUENCES BUT HOW DO I DO THAT. I AM SO NOT A STRONG PERSON I HAVE RELIED ON MY H FOR EVERYTHING FOR SO LONG THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW NOT TO. SORRY SO LONG AND FLIP FLOPPING AROUND BUT I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND AND NOONE TO TALK TO . ONLY BEEN READING AND READING...

Hi dw63, I haven't posted too many replies but his sounded so much like my situation awhile back that I thought I would add my two cents. My WS did the exact same thing when he first moved out to live with OW. I didn't really know what the rules were at the time and since I didn't want to create any LBers that would keep him from coming back, I let him come home for weekends to see the kids and I ended up cooking for him etc. etc. He got the best of both worlds in other words. When I finally figure what the heck I was really doing... and it was about the time I read SAA book, I pretty much made myself scarce on his visiting day. No more dinners, no more being referee to the kids... all his now. Eventually I went into the PLAN B. I didnt see him at all or talk with him on the phone for almost nine months. It has been really hard to separate like that. He kept sending me E-mails that he missed me and wished we could talk like his OW and her husband. I held out. A couple of weeks ago he sent me one that expressed interest in coming home. Now the work really starts. So dw63, I just want to let you in on what really helped me. He isn' going to make any move in either direction if he can have his cake and eat it too. If he is out of the house.... and by the sound of his attitude, it certainly sounds like there is a bonafide affair going on. Boy, do I know THAT sound !!! Good luck.. I hope this might give you a little to work on. Re-read the Surviving an Affair book. MEMORIZE it !!! I practically did.
Pookie4

POOKIE4,

THANKS FOR RESPONDING TO MY POST. HE IS NOT LIVING WITH THE OW, HE IS CONSTANTLY ASKING ME TO COME TO SEE HIS APARTMENT AND TO THIS DAY I STILL CAN NOT BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. YOU HAVE KIDS TOO, GOOD MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME HOW HARD IT IS ON THEM FOR US TO GO TO PLAN B. I KNOW I DO TOO MUCH FOR HIM AND HE DOES HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. BUT HE IS STICKING TO THE CLAIM THAT THERE IS NO A. HE JUST LIKES HIS INDEPENDANCE AND DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE IT UP RIGHT NOW,,,DO YOU THINK BECAUSE HE SAYS HE CAN'T COME HOME HE IS BASICALLY SAYING THAT HE'S HAVING AN THE A STILL JUST NOT SAYING IT?? I DO COOK FOR HIM AND HE STILL ACTS LIKE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE WHEN HE COMES OVER BUT THEN LEAVES TO SLEEP AND STAY AT HIS LITTLE RUN DOWN APARTMENT. I DON'T GET IT... DID YOU DO A PLAN B LETTER??
THANKS DW63

I thought I should throw in my two cents too.... I did the exact same things you are. I let my husband push his way in because I was afraid of doing anything that might make him leave permanently.

I went to Plan B, but as soon as it started to work, I quickly let him back in - without all of the requirements being met and now I'm facing the possibility of an end to a marriage. I really believe in hindsight that he would have respected me more for standing quietly and lovingly strong (even though he would have been angry). No one could have told me this at the time - so I don't necessarily regret, but hindsight can sometimes be pretty truthful. The best of luck.