this is a bit difficult but here it goes. My wife started her 2nd affair with me in August. She left me and our 2 girls Friday the 13th of September. She has not wanted to come back. She left us this time for a 26 YO woman who is on welfare and all public assistance. She has no family except her 3 YO boy and 8 YO girl. The father is in prison for child molestation. Her stepmom and live-in left for Phoenix on a permanent basis. My wife has moved into the stepmom's trailer across the road from her lover. The entire contact between my wife and I has been very civil throughout. She is in a place she has never been before. She has written to me and says she wants to come back home and wants to be a family again but she can't. She said she needs to wake up and smell the coffee but is unsure how. I feel like the OW has made references to harming herself if my wife leaves the relationship forcing a guilt issue on her. We are financially ok and I took her away from where she is headed over 9 1/2 years ago when we first met. She and I are emotionally drained and numb at this point. I also think that she can't break free because of a "choke-hold" the OW has on her at this stage. I am able to forgive after discussion and want to move forward with our lives together. I constantly tell her that she is worth it to me and that I love her too. She has shut out everyone including both faimily members and has only the OW at this point. The holiday's are fast approaching, and we are all hopefull but I think that she will be unable to leave the OW at this time of the year as well. The similairities between the two from a childhood past had many commonalities to them and I'm sure that the original intentions were nothing more than to help the OW with some common issues. The OW has been clinically diagnosed as being bi-polar and has never been socially involved with anyone of our stature. What to do next and how am I going to break the chains that surround her now? The guilt my wife carries is more than she can take but I know she has the strength to get rid of that once she gets back home with our help.
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Nov 26th
After further discussions with my W, I found out that it was her that made the 1st move here back in August. It was a kiss that pushed this whole thing into where she is. I have implemented plan B at this point but she insists on still calling and showing up when its convenient for her. She has had the girls overnight only 3 times since for I forbid it. They do not need to be in that type of environment. Being the bad guy now is so not in my nature but I feel like I have to. I have started the proceedings for custody as well as a separation agreement at this point. I hate to drag her through what is about to happen to her but she has forced the issue. I still know that she has feelings for all of us and that she would like to come home some day. Should I wait before the courts set a date or should I go through with this? I know that the normal affair ends within 6 months but this is a bit different...or is it? Any advice would help.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Molsonexport01 ]</small>

Hi Molson,

Welcome to MB. Please read the concepts section above. What the OW does or doesn't do should not be your problem. Sounds like the OW is controlling and threatening. Best thing is to get far away from her. Turn over any concerns to the local women's abuse center/hotline.

Please see about getting MC for you and your W. You will find the tools here (books. questionnaires, this site, etc.) will help support you but ultimately you will need to decide what to do.

L.