I have been around this site for a while reading and occasionally posting, I'm a bit confused on what action to take now and need some insight. Here's a brief peek at my story:

Been married 1 1/2 years, lived together for 4, no kids, first marriage for both.

WH has been diagnosed w/ depression in the past

Discovered WH's A w/ co-worker in Sept, had been ongoing since before our marriage, he insists its over now, I don't believe it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Seperated 3 times for a few days since then and back together

No "action" from WH since then, still works with OW, won't quit. Won't get back on meds right now for depression. Doesn't want me to call him at work to check up on him, doesn't like me asking too many questions, says I have to learn to trust him again, has always said that he loves me and always has. Sometimes feels remorseful, sometimes doesn't want to talk about it at all. Many mood swings, more than normal.

WH Says OW is just a "symptom" of a larger problem. Has mentioned before that sometimes he doesn't think he should be married but he loves me and doesn't want to lose me (I think he just wants the benefits and not the responsibilities.)

Anyway...I'm leaving out of state for a week to see my family because I need to get out of my surroundings for a while and focus. I'm thinking of a total seperation when I return. I've been trying to Plan A but am receiving no action from my WH except he thinks he's trying by being civil and telling me he's sorry, he loves me, all that. I think actions speak louder than words! My MC thinks I should set him free by one of us moving out. My friend will be looking for a roommate soon and I'm wondering if I should take advantage? Do you think going to Plan B so soon is a bad idea? If my WH isn't really taking much action, than what's the difference if I'm living at home or not? Is it possible this could backfire?

Does anyone have any personal experiences with this approach or advice? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: zany ]</small>

I read about Tough Love, this is my 2¢. When WS has other problem than A, for instance, abusive or drugs/alcohol dependency, you should not be doing plan A/plan B. One should use tough love approach and remove yourself from all of WS's problem and wait until WS hits rock bottom on his personal problem.

Reading from this post only, I think you should re-read how A should ends. Give H the list of ammends for him to work on and discuss it w/ H. Re-read section on POJA before you approach your H.

It is always good to get away for awhile from this mess to re-energized. After you are back you will feel different, don't make any decision and just have fun taking a break from all of this. Remember plan B is not advicable when there is no kid.

-rh-

WH doesn't have any other problem like drugs or alcohol, just the depression sometimes and the fact that he had an A within the first year of our marriage...

The problem I'm seeing is that I've tried to Plan A for more than a couple months now and have asked WH to do the following things: Get on meds, stop all contact w/ OW (even if that means quitting job) and decide my place in your life. So far none of that has happened, his whole attitude is "got to learn to trust me again" and that's it, end of story. I don't want him to think that this is okay or that it will ever be okay! The other problem is that he never wants to discuss what's happened!

Question: what does POJA stand for? (I haven't bought Dobson's Tough Love book yet but plan to)

And isn't Plan B easier and better to do when there's no children involved? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zany:
<strong>Question: what does POJA stand for? (I haven't bought Dobson's Tough Love book yet but plan to)

And isn't Plan B easier and better to do when there's no children involved? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quick notes, A might still high and hot. If WH has nothing to hide he should be let you checks & questions him. Just think of Sadam Hussein & UN Inspectors <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . POJA is Policy of Join Agreement, click the link. Basically it is how we should negotiate in the R.

Yes, plan B mechanics is easier to do w/o children but that is not the purpose of plan B. For BS is to protect themself from their own taker run amok. For WS is to stare at the consequences of WS's actions. Now, w/o a common link (children), with no contact ... out of sight out of mind. BS might enjoy the NC such that it might be harder to take WS back when they are falling out of the fog. Even w/ children those condition still might happening. My WW impose NC and 6 months later I don't miss a beat of her and now I think I have no interest of working on M.

You could do what Orchid did to her H. Learn to talk to the fog (kind of tough love w/o giving ultimatum) ... check her post last year to early this year. One thing that you have to come to accept, you have to be ready to move on w/ or w/o WH. i.e you rather move on than having this stale M. If you could have this mind set you could talk to the fog.

Fog:"got to learn to trust me again"
You:"Trust is not given but earn, it is not up to me to trust you but it is up to you to gain my trust. I did not break the trust but you did, you have to gain them again. Until you gain it back you still a WH not H."

Note:read up on how A should end. His A didn't end properly and you take him back too early.

-rh-