Well, here goes. Back in July my H tells me he has developed feelings for OW at work (they work out together at the gym as well). It came to head because there was talk of a relationship between them and since he is in the military they could get in trouble. So after this allegation they both realized that they have feelings for each other. He gets another place and I am very supportive even before I found MB because I know I am at fault too. I didn't meet his needs but with two young kids (3 and 1) I just didn't have it (no excuse I know). I was having to do everything with no help from him. We are stationed overseas in a remote area where there is nothing to do so that made it worse.

We are scheduled to leave here between Apr and Jun 03 to go back to the states (thank God!). I have gotten so much better about spending time with the kids and getting out (I think I was depressed and didn't know it). On 26 Oct I go to his house (he wasn't expecting me to with the kids, but I had to know. He forgot to lock the door and I was so suprised I shut and by the time I got it back open he was locking it. He lies to me later saying that it was a friend from work who borrowed the place. Later that night I check his cell phone and she had text him stating that she was sorry that it took so long for her to realize that she loved him. He lies again saying that she hadn't text him in a long time and he didn't understand what the message said. It took until Monday morning after catching him in little lies for him to tell me that he had slept with her twice. It killed me.

He says that he needs to find himself and that she is just a symptom of what is wrong with our marriage. He works in the same office (a big long office) but in a different section and he says they don't have contact anymore at work. He still texts her and talks with her and won't stop. It kills me that he does this, but I am trying to hold on until we leave here next year.

He won't go to counseling because he is afraid he will get into trouble (we are all military you see).

On 11 Nov her husband calls me and tells me that she told him she was going to divorse him and that he thought I should know and he was going to my husbands work and tell them. Well that scared H alright and he moved back in so that there wouldn't be any suspension. I guess he was talked out of it so now my husband has relaxed again and has moved out. He tries to come home (works late all the time)to see the kids and once they are asleep he leaves.

On 14 Nov night I caught him texting her right in my driveway and I just freaked out. He said he was sorry that it was inconsiderate, but he didn't think he was doing anything wrong as he was just telling her that he was going to his place. How could that not be seen as WRONG!!! I told him that I felt I was trying hard to work on our marriage and that he wasn't and he stated that he wasn't working on it right now. Everytime I ask him if he seeing her he lies and gets defensive. Now I am trying to not ask him anymore because I am the one who is dying. I am still trying to be supportive, but its so hard. He keeps saying do you want a answer right now? Well then I want to separate or divorse. I tell him no I don't want an anwser right now. To take the time he needs and I will support him.

He says that he plays his future in his mind -one with her and one with me and probably one with just himself I guess. I feel if I can get him away from her then maybe we can work on our marriage. He says its not her (but in Oct he says that he's addicted). He is not a bad guy and he loves me and kids and her.
I love him and I want my marriage to work. Am I on the right track? Can I do this another 6 months? Please give me some guidance and support. I'm lost and the only keeping me going is this site and my kids.

We have a date night on Saturday. I hope it goes well. Should you have sex during plan A if he is still seeing OW? Am I allowing his cake and eating it to?
Thank you so much for your advice.

Married 15 years W (35) H (36)
Military couple
DS(3)DD(1)
D-Day #1 31 Jul 02 #2 26 Oct 02
Trying Plan A like crazy!!!

Barelyholdingon,

Welcome to MB, it seems that you read a lot about MB already. I will be breif and put my 2¢ directly to your quoestions.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>We have a date night on Saturday. I hope it goes well. Should you have sex during plan A if he is still seeing OW? Am I allowing his cake and eating it to?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having Sex while A is going on is very hard and it is individual choice. In Plan A, you should try to fillin his ENs so that mean SF is included. It might be hard but ... if you don't have sex with WS, he will do it with "you know who" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . In Plan A, you are competing w/ OW and become a better choice.

One last thing, if he does it ... doesn't it mean that WH is "cheating" on OW ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
-rh-

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Barelyholdingon,

Your story sounds very similar to mine. Keep hanging in there. Things will probably get worse before it gets better. I would read anything you can get your hands on, look for information on affairs, midlife crisis, self empowerment. When my WS left, I had a 6 & 4 yr old. I didn't have time to be a W. I was a mom. I realized that I contributed to the problem. No, I am not saying he was right to do what he did. I am saying in my own little way, it takes two to tango. And tango I did. I lost weight, changed my haircolor, changed the way I walked and the way I talked. Realize that while your WS is in this fog, he is going to say alot of things that are strange. Most will hurt. He is confused. And, I know that you are probably even more confused. Let him know that you love him and that you want to be a family again. Let him know you will be there when he is ready to talk. However, don't let him walk over you. You are a person to. Enpower yourself during this time. Make some goals, such as if we get back together, we are going to go out to eat once a week. We are going to spend 1 hour each night in each other company. We are going to take a walk each night. We are going to put the children to bed 30 minutes early so that we can have time together. Enlist other people's help. I am sure other moms around you are having a hard time to without family support. Also, make some goals for yourself. It took me sometime to remember that being a mom is great but I was a person to. I had dreams of doing thing like hangliding, writing a book, climbing mountains... I also wrote everything down in a journal. It helped me keep things in order. I also prayed alot. You didn't say anything about whether you were religious or not. It helped me. I am a christian and I talked with God every night. It helped to know someone was looking over me. I hope and pray that things work out for you. My WS and I have started over again. It took him 5 mths and 20 days to realize that he didn't want to give up his family. He was going through a midlife crisis. We are still in counseling and I hope that you can find someone to talk.

Lord, during this time, be with barelyhangin. Let it be your will to make their family whole again. Give her strength, patience, understanding and love during this time. But most of all give her peace. Give her strength during this time to take care of her children, Give her patience to do the right thing, Give her understanding during the confusion, and let her know that she is loved by many people--some she knows and some she doesn't know. Give her peace in her heart and her mind to get through every day. Let your will be done. In your name we pray. Amen.

Thank you for your advice. We had a great time at date night on Saturday. We discussed his relationship with OW and it seems that they argue alot. I take that as a good sign. OWH followed them this weekend and said that he is going to commander. WS says it is over for them. That he knew it couldn't work, but couldn't stop it. He has moved back in and I hope with no contact we can begin again. Please continue to pray for my family and I will pray for yours.