Hi, I posted this in another section also. I was married for ten years which ended horribly about two years ago. There were two children of the relatioonship. It left my ego at rock bottom. I met and got involved with my current partner and we had a baby a few weeks ago. his ex wife and him had an affair in january (she has his two little boys) and I thought I was dealing ok with it until I gothome after having the baby and she called and said they had an affair while I wa sin the hospital. i dont believe it but it has left me a mess of doubt and my self esteem has plummetted out of control. I need some words of advice or help!!

Yee gads, you certainly have a lot on your plate right now!!! You poor thing!!!

Well, welcome to Marriage Builders - there's lots of support here!

S'ok, you are home with baby, possibly post-partum blues, and your significant other's (SO's) ex calls you to say she slept with him while you were off having his baby? Is that right?

WHAT A B*TCH! That's just cruel.

Yes, I believe in honesty, but sheesh, what is she trying to do here?

What does your SO say about this?

I suspect you know in your heart what happened. You say you don't believe it, but do you? I mean really, when you're alone with your thoughts, what do you think?

And let me be clear about something - if he DID sleep with her and IS having an affair, you DO need to know. I simply think that her telling you in this way was very cruel.

Are you married to your current partner? Was he married when you got involved with him?

Yes he was married to this other woman when we became involved, although he had separated from her. I have known him for 6 years and we have always been best friends. He says she was trying to get back at me and not to worry about it. he knows that I am struggling but doesnt seem to understand how much. She worked at the hospital where I had my baby, and told me that she was going to read my notes and tell everyone anything out of them. My biggest problem is that while I dont believe it he keeps putting off divorcing her, although we have lived together for over a year. (I always refer to him as my husband out of habit, and he refers to me as his wife - although we are not yet married). I keep thinking that the fact he wont divorce her is giving credit to what she says, then I think I am just over sensitive and not understanding enough. I dont want to force him to get divorced but I really feel I need him to.

Well second time, be prepared for some major flaming.

Nellie asked what I suppose I should have, but I really do feel bad that you're being 'kicked' while you're already down.

I understand infidelity - been there, done that. I'm not here to judge.

But you understand you come to a site for Marriage Building, talking about having a baby with another woman's husband and even having a baby with him - his wife should be bitter. And why isn't your SO filing for divorce? I'd like to know that if I were you.

Best wishes, because you're REALLY gonna need them.

This is a horrible situation.

The father of your baby can not be having an affair with his ex-wife, because he doesn't have an ex-wife, he has a wife, and one can not have an affair with one's wife. You are the one with whom he is having an affair.

Nellie, thank you for your comments but I feel they are harsh. For one thing, I did not have an affair with him while they were together at any time. The paperwork is all that there is keeping them married, they are not married in anyother way. We live together share our life and love and just want to get on with it. An affair can happen to anyone in what was supposed to be a monogomous relationship and this certainly was one.

I must say I thought they were over, I never thought there was any chance for them or I wouldnt have stayed. I have never dated before (since I was 16) and I thought what I was being told was the whole truth. All I think now is - being honest to someone is being honest to everyone, about that person - no fake lies to make it easier or anything like that - what does everyone else think about that?

I somehow doubt he is being very honest with either of you. In 6 years, if he wanted to be divorced from her, he would have taken care of that "paperwork" you mention. I think he is right where he wants to be...where he can play both sides against the middle.

What are you planning to do? Have you two considered counseling? I really think things need some untangling and he needs to decide to commit one way or the other for good.

I do agree - I guess I am scared of what will happen if I puch for counselling - I know he would go but last time we went 6 months ago he becamse more unsure than he is now!

Sometimes you have to go thru periods of doubt and uncertainty to get to solid ground. I don't know about you, but I'd rather he work thru things than waffle back and forth (like my H's dad did for 12+ years).

Kathi

I have one thing to say "Child Support"