Cerri --

Okay, on ending the A by confrontign the OM -- What do you suggest? Do I drive to their workplace and try and find him on his way out? They are in a secure building, I can't just walk in. Do I send him another email despite telling my WW I wouldn't? I do agree that perhaps a properly worded e-mail would maybe do SOMETHING, but I don't know how it could have a positive effect. I guess it would depend. The problem is that I watched my WW pursue OM when he wasn't even overly interested at first. She persuaded him into loving her because she wanted him. But now that I basically forced her into his arms, they are growing closer and closer, and I fear that the bond they're forming is only making any thoughts of reconcilation harder for my WW to ever consider.

On telling her family about the A -- I have been communicating to them via email as well. Do I use the same approach for this? Do I urge them to tell my WW that they know, and that they found out from me? How do I tell them, and how do I turn it into something that will help? As I said before, my WW's parents are not the types who will argue with her. They like me, but the bottom line will be that if she is happier with OM, they will support her in whatever she does. They will assume she had to have a good reason to leave everything behind. At least I think they will. So I guess I need strategies as far as HOW to tell her family and have it work to the advantage.

And also, if they discuss it with her, and when OM tells her I confronted him, how to deal with the aftershock I'll get from her by interfering so much with her life. After I e-mailed OM the second (and last) time soon after D-Day, again telling him I was working on my M, my WW very firmly told me to back out, get out of her life, and stop interfering. If I want her to be happy I'll let her go, she said. So by doing what you are suggesting (confronting OM and telling in-laws about A), aren't I directly and obviously (to her) attempting to sabotage her life and ruin her relationship? Won't she see that as selfish and controlling on my part?

I've read those SAA chapters, but I'm gonna read them again tonight, just for you! By the way, how would you feel about me giving my WW a copy of SAA to read? Bad idea at this stage?

Hope you can get back to me on that letter tomorrow! If you do, I'd just basically like to know what changes you think need made. Also, I have a few generic things I need to ask my WW since we haven't talked for so long -- Do you recommend I do that in the same mail (perhaps before the letter) or would that ruin the impact? Should I do that in a second e-mail or send that another day, to keep it apart from the letter?

Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ALS

<small>[ December 05, 2002, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

ALS,

You mentioned you were going to make some revisions to your letter based on suggestions. Are you done with those? Is the most updated version posted anywhere?

(I haven't been to my email yet. Inet connection was down this morning, so that slowed me a little.)

C

Cerri,

Here is the letter in current form. I will email you a copy as well:

---
WW,

When we first met, we used to send each other those huge emails all the time, never seeming to run out of things to say. You always had a way of making eveerything better. I was comfortable talking to you about anything, I valued your opinions, and I learned from you. I could just sit and talk to you for hours. Even in the middle of the night, I used to check the computer for messages, in the hopes I might have some new words from you. So, the fact that I suddenly can't share a conversation with you every day is something I truly miss. There's so much I want to say to you, but it's obviously hard to do that right now, so I've decided to write you a letter. I wish I could have said these things to you in the weeks you were home, before you left. I didn't know how to express my feelings correctly.

I've said so many things since October that I regret, and I hope you know that. I am not proud of the way that I have handled things. All I ever wanted was to make things better for you, and for us. Before all of this happened, I was stuck in a fantasy world of assuming that doing things I liked meant that we were doing things YOU liked as well. I was blind to the fact that I wasn't being fair and giving us equal time to do things that we both enjoyed. I screwed up.

I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. You needed empathy, comfort, affection, admiration, and I didn't even see it. The more I think about things, the more mistakes I realize that I made. I allowed our lives became a schedule, a "to-do" list of tasks. I lost sight of the most important thing, the thing I vowed to do a year ago - Take care of you, and make you as happy as you made me. Nothing else comes second to that. Not cleaning up the house, watching movies and tv shows, buying electonics and dvds, home improvement projects...nothing. I convinced myself that I was being this great husband to you, and I tricked myself into believing that. I never realized just how much I was failing you.

The pain of these past months fades in comparison to all of the happiness that I shared with you over the past three years. I have such vivid memories of it all. I had such a loving companion in you, and I squandered it away, taking for granted the fact that I thought we'd have each other forever. That there would always be a tomorrow to make up for the shortcomings of today. I didn't consider the fact that I might one day run out of tomorrows.

Whatever might become of us, I just hope you will never look back at our 3 years and think that it was wasted time. I haven't thought that for a moment. I will always cherish each and every moment that I had with you. I love you WW, I always will. I realize that I let you down a lot over the past few months, and disappointed you. I know you once loved me and had such a bright outlook for our future. I hope that, when you reflect on all of the good things, you won't regret that you spent these last 3 years with me. You have been my companion, my lover, my teacher, and my best friend. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything in the world.

I want you to be happy, WW. It's all I ever wanted. Nothing could ever match the satisfaction that I felt when I made you smile, whether it was taking you somewhere special, making you a good dinner, or just being there for you when you needed me. It's frustrating for me because I know in my heart that you and I could be so incredible together. It may be selfish thinking on my part, but I truly believe that no one on Earth could make you a happier person than I can. I understand that it may not seem that way to you now, but I also feel that, somewhere down the road, that may change for you. You told me that you are searching for happiness right now, and while I wish you were doing that with me, I love you enough to give you the space you are requesting.

I realize that you are not ready to work on our marriage today. This letter can't change that. Nothing I say, nothing I do can change that. We have forever to end our marriage, but probably not much time to save it. You saw that I went through some indecision myself after all of this happened, but in the end, I always came to the same conclusion -- I still love you, and I feel certain that we could rebuild our marriage. This could be an opportunity to have a better marriage than ever, and I am prepared to make the changes that I know you need to feel happily married.

I am not afraid of going on without you in my life. What I am afraid of is that you'll have let me go without my telling you just how wonderful of a woman you are or making it clear to you that, right now, I would still very much like to rebuild our marriage. I am capable of finding another woman, but I would rather rebuild my marriage to you. Before we end this marriage, please consider doing all that we can to save it, because I fear you will never know how wonderful it was until it is lost completely. You will only receive kindness, understanding, and love if you decide to come back, but please understand that I cannot wait indefinitely...it is just too hard. You would not respect me if I did.

I just wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish we could go back in time to those unspoiled moments in our relationship. If I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, and never miss a chance to tell you how very much you mean to me. I don't simply want to turn back the clock and just make things the way they used to be. I want our marriage to be better than it ever was.

I'm going to go now, but I do have a final thought that I wanted to share with you. I was thinking back to all of those Sunday nights that were so sad because you had to leave to go back to school the next day. We made the most out of them. We snuggled, we talked, we held each other late into the night. It felt like eternity until we'd see each other again when I knew you had to go the next day, and I wanted to treasure every minute that we had together on those nights. While I was thinking about those nights, I realized something -- There's no reason in the world that every night shouldn't have been that way for us. Every day can, and should have been, just as special, because it was another day that I had you in my life. It was a gift. None of us know how much time we've got left, but I didn't want another day to go by without telling you that I have always loved you, and to say thank you.

In my heart, I hope and dream that we haven't yet spent our last "Sunday night" together.

All My Love,

ALS
---

Here is the letter in current form. I will email you a copy as well:

Well, finally here I am ready to work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

---
WW,

Uhhhhmmmmm..... did I ever tell you that I object to the lablel (W) as in Wayward? Yeah, I know that's what she and many others are, but does it do any good to point it out over and over again. Just makes you feel bad, and feels exceptionally judgmental to me.

Ok, sorry... just a little vent there.... back to the letter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When we first met, we used to send each other those huge emails all the time, never seeming to run out of things to say. You always had a way of making eveerything better. I was comfortable talking to you about anything, I valued your opinions, and I learned from you. I could just sit and talk to you for hours. Even in the middle of the night, I used to check the computer for messages, in the hopes I might have some new words from you. So, the fact that I suddenly can't share a conversation with you every day is something I truly miss. There's so much I want to say to you, but it's obviously hard to do that right now, so I've decided to write you a letter. I wish I could have said these things to you in the weeks you were home, before you left. I didn't know how to express my feelings correctly.

Very wonderfully excellent!!!

I've said so many things since October that I regret, and I hope you know that. I am not proud of the way that I have handled things. All I ever wanted was to make things better for you, and for us. Before all of this happened, I was stuck in a fantasy world of assuming that doing things I liked meant that we were doing things YOU liked as well. I was blind to the fact that I wasn't being fair and giving us equal time to do things that we both enjoyed. I screwed up.

Yes. Superb!

I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. You needed empathy, comfort, affection, admiration, and I didn't even see it. Don't forget the biggy intimate heart to heart conversation... The more I think about things, the more mistakes I realize that I made. I allowed our lives became a schedule, a "to-do" list of tasks. I lost sight of the most important thing, the thing I vowed to do a year ago - Take care of you, and make you as happy as you made me. Nothing else comes second to that. Not cleaning up the house, watching movies and tv shows, buying electonics and dvds, home improvement projects...nothing. I convinced myself that I was being this great husband to you, and I tricked myself into believing that. I never realized just how much I was failing you.

You learn well young Jedi.... good job!

The pain of these past months fades in comparison to all of the happiness that I shared with you over the past three years.

I don't know if I would downplay the pain. She needs to know that what she is doing is the most hurtful thing one spouse can do to another. Otherwise she is going to think that you'll just get over it and she'll be a good memory, rather than a nightmare haunting you for a long time.

How about if you say something like the stark contrast between how happy you were and the pain you feel now makes her leaving all the worse? Or that the pain of missing her and knowing that she is with someone else is amplified by the memories of the good times you shared?

I have such vivid memories of it all. I had such a loving companion in you, and I squandered it away, taking for granted the fact that I thought we'd have each other forever. That there would always be a tomorrow to make up for the shortcomings of today. I didn't consider the fact that I might one day run out of tomorrows.

Oooohhhhhh... very nice.

Whatever might become of us, I just hope you will never look back at our 3 years and think that it was wasted time. I haven't thought that for a moment. I will always cherish each and every moment that I had with you. I love you WW, I always will.

This I'm not liking. It sounds like you are conceding that the M might be over. While we know there is that possiblity, we don't want to state it to her. I would simply keep the "I will always cherish..." sentence and lose the rest.

Also, it is not realistic to say that you will always love her. That's the unconditional love fantasy, and it's not true. If she keeps this up long enough and you don't go to Plan B if needed in time, you will eventually lose your love for her.

Also, stating that could give the impression that what she is doing doesn't hurt all that bad.

I realize that I let you down a lot over the past few months, and disappointed you. I know you once loved me and had such a bright outlook for our future. I hope that, when you reflect on all of the good things, you won't regret that you spent these last 3 years with me. You have been my companion, my lover, my teacher, and my best friend. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything in the world.

Yes, I like this. Not having read to the end, forgive me if I'm suggesting something that's there, but how about adding that you want to recreate those feelings and that intimacy that you had. You understand the things you did wrong, and that you are soooooo willing to do whatever it takes to earn her love again.

I want you to be happy, WW. It's all I ever wanted. Nothing could ever match the satisfaction that I felt when I made you smile, whether it was taking you somewhere special, making you a good dinner, or just being there for you when you needed me. It's frustrating for me because I know in my heart that you and I could be so incredible together. It may be selfish thinking on my part, but I truly believe that no one on Earth could make you a happier person than I can. I understand that it may not seem that way to you now, but I also feel that, somewhere down the road, that may change for you.

Good. Add, when you are ready to come home, I promise to continue to work at this with all my heart and energy.

You told me that you are searching for happiness right now, and while I wish you were doing that with me, I love you enough to give you the space you are requesting.

No you're not!!! Sounds like what she is doing is ok.... it's not. And that it doesn't hurt.... it does. Take this out.

I realize that you are not ready to work on our marriage today. This letter can't change that. Nothing I say, nothing I do can change that.

I would take this out. No need to remind her where she is today, and the hope is that she WILL be ready soon. Also, much of what you do and say has an effect, so don't negate that. In fact what you are telling her is that you can do things to make her happy. Keep that thought.

We have forever to end our marriage, but probably not much time to save it. You saw that I went through some indecision myself after all of this happened, but in the end, I always came to the same conclusion -- I still love you, and I feel certain that we could rebuild our marriage.

I agree with this sentiment, but I think I would take it out. Saying something about how you behaved that indicated you were indecisive, and that you did so out of fear, but that you always wanted the M is better.

This could be an opportunity to have a better marriage than ever, and I am prepared to make the changes that I know you need to feel happily married.

Yes!!!

I am not afraid of going on without you in my life.

Nope. Don't make it easy for her to walk away.

What I am afraid of is that you'll have let me go without my telling you just how wonderful of a woman you are or making it clear to you that, right now, I would still very much like to rebuild our marriage. I am capable of finding another woman, but I would rather rebuild my marriage to you.

I wouldn't go there either.

Before we end this marriage, please consider doing all that we can to save it, because I fear you will never know how wonderful it was until it is lost completely.

I'd rather see something along the lines of "I married you for life, and I want to stay married to you..."

You will only receive kindness, understanding, and love if you decide to come back, but please understand that I cannot wait indefinitely...it is just too hard. You would not respect me if I did.

Yes, this is a good sentiment. But leave off the last sentence. You don't know how she would feel, no need to speculate.

I just wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish we could go back in time to those unspoiled moments in our relationship. If I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, and never miss a chance to tell you how very much you mean to me. I don't simply want to turn back the clock and just make things the way they used to be. I want our marriage to be better than it ever was.

Good.

I'm going to go now, but I do have a final thought that I wanted to share with you. I was thinking back to all of those Sunday nights that were so sad because you had to leave to go back to school the next day. We made the most out of them. We snuggled, we talked, we held each other late into the night. It felt like eternity until we'd see each other again when I knew you had to go the next day, and I wanted to treasure every minute that we had together on those nights. While I was thinking about those nights, I realized something -- There's no reason in the world that every night shouldn't have been that way for us. Every day can, and should have been, just as special, because it was another day that I had you in my life. It was a gift. None of us know how much time we've got left, but I didn't want another day to go by without telling you that I have always loved you, and to say thank you.

Really like that.

In my heart, I hope and dream that we haven't yet spent our last "Sunday night" together.

How about adding, "waiting for you to come home."

Ok, then.... good. Now just check to make sure the things I said need to be in it are....

I love you
I married you for life
I want to stay married to you
I know there are things I did/didn't do and that you felt hurt/neglected
I am willing and able to change those things so that I can be the husband you've always wanted

C

Thanks to Cerri's great edits, the final FINAL (done and sent) version of the letter is up over in the EN thread, located HERE:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=013446

I'll be posting updates there too, but will likely also visit this thread for working with Cerri when I get to the next step, whatever that may be,

Thank you everyone, and thank you especially CERRI!!!

ALS

Hey ALS...How are you doing?? Inquiring minds want to know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TMD,

I guess you saw my latest saga over in GQ II. I decided to move into a more high traffic area. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I don't check in here too much but I will do my best to stop in.

That thread over there is pretty much the latest though, no really good progress as far as WW goes but I am doing okay, and Cerri has been wonderfully helpful. At least I know I am doing the right things!

How are you?

ALS