i have messed up plan a completely as i only got to this site too late. my wife won't/can't move out because it would mean taking the three youngest kids with her. i don't feel mentally fit to cope with the isolation myself as i would be on my own. i haven't worked in nearly 2 months due to my colleages considering me unfit (i am a family doctor) and can't concentrate. the atmosphere at home is incredibly poisonous and awaful for the children. we are both scoring points in front of them. they seem to be coping but i know we are scarring them. she is in contact with om althought denies seeing him, she admits to nothing unless i can prove it totally. she says she told him that she was trying with me in the past but not now. she says if i move out it will give her space to "see if my love for you comes back". she is very good at tempting me to do what she wants by offering me the slimmest of threads to cling to at the same time as lengthening the thread slowly all the time. she implies she will keep contact with other man until i can show her more loyalty. by this she means not talking to friends when she is not there, but she talks to her friends all the time when i am not there. she says her friends are better than mine because they have not judged or taken sides whereas mine have advised i get legal advice and avoid speaking to her. i feel trapped and isolated. she wants me to return to work but doesn't understand that it is her constant shouting that is draggging me down and preventing this. should i bite the bullett, move out and do plan b? i am worried i would be falling in to her trap of separation without divorce.

empc ,

Welcome! Read, read and read some more. I am new here as well and have learned alot from other peoples experiences. I suggest reading ALL the material on the website. When I did this I "woke up" and really started to improve myself.

From what I have learned here, unless you have done a good plan A, plan B will not work. Try reading these posts for guidance.

Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)

Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)

Also, you HAVE to get yourself "back in the game." Do this for you. I did this with individual counseling and Prozac. The more you show her you have it together, the better. I repeat: YOU HAVE TO GET YOURSELF BACK IN THE GAME!!

And another thing. DO NOT MOVE OUT!! I got totally convinced that I was such a screw up and that giving her space was a good thing that I left. All that did was make it easier for her to have the A. For that story go here:

I'm the BS, but I got the boot!!

Read up on the "fog". That concept will help you better understand, deal with and explain why your W "acts as if she was abducted by aliens".

I also recommend the books: "His needs Her Needs", "Love Busters", and "Surviving an Affair".

Is she open to Counseling? Hope this helps.

Oh yeah, when I meant </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is she open to Counseling? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I meant a "real marriage counselor". If you both wanted to work it out you probably wouldn't be there in the first place. The first guy we went to told us he could not help us unless we were both on board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have my first "real session" today. There is a good article on the website. I am pumped up today, can you tell!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OK, last post on this one for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Here is a good guide even though your situation is not new.

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses