I've been a member of this board for about 2 hrs. but have been a guest/lurker for the last 1.5 months. Heres some background...

I'm 30yrs, wife 28yrs, 1 daughter 7 yrs. together 10 yrs, married 8 (oct. 21). OM 42yrs.

Wifes affair started in Aug. 2002 after in june crashing her 2 month old show car and july lossing a baby to tubeal (baby in tube not in uterus). I've always work long hrs. and she works part time. After car crash I took 2 days off and after tubeal I took off one week. She needed more support and to see a pro for the lose that we suffered but never did. She returned to work (hairdresser) to confide in a county cop who is friends with the owner of the shop she works at.

In late aug. I sent her to FL. to a hair convention that never was, the OM father has a condo there and thats where she stayed. after returning from FL. she slept on the couch the first two nights claiming the bed was hurting her back, I knew then something was wrong, but kept to myself about it. She returned to the bed and to having intercourse with me the thrid night. the weekend came and she said she was staying with a friend from work on friday night to work on a new design for the shops sales ad. She didn't stay there she stayed with OM. Tuesday of next week she says she has plans with her sisters to go out to eat, I know one of her sisters had school on tuesday night and the other sisters boyfriend had tickets to the blackhawks for them to go because he asked if I would watch there child. I let my wife go knowing she was lying in an effort to work the problem out when she returned. She didn't return after 4 hrs. and I felt I couldn't wait any longer for her to explain. I sent our daughter to my mother-in-laws house and callled my wife. She admitted to the affair and that she did wrong. 2 days later I'm at work and she off the OM picks her up in the back of the house and friends see this and call me. Confrounted her when I returned home and she admits to loving him and she's leaving to stay at her sisters house leaving our daughter with me because thats where she wanted to be. Wife returned next day but wants to live apart. I pack my and our daughters things and moved in with my brother. Wife find apt that I pay for sec. dept. on wanting her to decide for herself where she wants to be. Spend one month of her seeing OM and trying to see me by making dinner when I get daughter. I fail one week after 8th wedding anv. and stay the night, intercourse. things go bad between us when she feels guilt and I try to rush things.

I find out last week that she had one week before wedding Anv. she had intercourse with OM and became preg. child is his. last tues. she calls and wants to spend time with daughter and I and wants to move back to my new apt 50 miles from her apt. tell her we have plans and can't make trip tonight. Wed. she calls me at work and wants me to get her. I pick her up and bring to my apt. thur. she starts phone contact with OM but tells him she wants to be with me. Friday same thing. Sat. she contacts OM and has doubts tells me she doubts as well. sun morn she's real sick and spotting again I tell her I'll take her to Hosptal she calls OM to let him know. OM meets us at hosptal I meet him for first time face to face and offer my hand to shake. We don't talk really just sit. doctor calls her I concide to letting him push wheel chair to not have fight in hosptal. No-one let in room yet so OM and I return to waiting room. No talking. Doctor calls for me to go to the room tells him to stay. Watch ultrasound to check baby no heart beat but might be normal as she six weeks and equipment not set for heart detect just normaly shows it anyway. OM comes in to room wife says we need to decide what to do to both of us. I tell her to take her time and figure it out he tells her to figure out now. She decides to leave with him. They come and she get's her stuff from my apt.

Plan A didn't work to well.... Time for plan B but should I file legal seperation and remove her from health insurence??? His insurence won't pay her bills unless they are married, she won't marry him as he's been married 3 times before. He makes little money and I make real good money, she still says she loves me but it's not fair to him as she has his child, and not fair to me as it's his child. She appears to have little concern for our daughter as she sees her for 18-24 hrs a week and has her from friday at 6:00pm to sunday at 6:00pm but finds people to take care of her so she can have time with OM thats our daughter hates.

How do I go about and to what extent do I do Plan B I think removing health insurence is a big love buster but all needs to show I gone and with it the things that I provide...

She chooses to live with the OM and breaks up her marriage and leaves her child and you are worried that you will be LB if you separate and leave her off the medical insurance plan. She needs a good dose of reality. If she is so concerned about the OM than let him take care of the medical bills. After all the baby is his and he SHOULD be responsible. Move to PLan B and let her see what life is like post-affair when she will have to depend on the OM to pay the bills,rent etc. If he has been married 3X before the chances of this relationship lasting is pretty slim. Regardless of what she chooses to do, you should be focusing on taking care of yourself and your child. As the saying goes she made her bed and she will have to live with the consequences.

I wish I could move on that easy... I understand that taking care of my little girl is number one... But I still love WW and want to be with her. I think your right though that I need to remove the insurence and let her see what life is with out me, this also cures the problems from today where she called and wants to have Thanksgiving with my family at my mothers house. Her family is shutting her out as they can't understand what she's doing so she's not welcome there and the OM family won't have her over at their place as well... She's with out a place to go for Thanksgiving... She's done all this to me and I still feel sorry for her...

The woman who is behaving irresponsible is not the woman you fell in love with. She has brought a innocent child into the world as a result of an adulterous relationship and has abandoned her own child. You should not reward this selfish behaviour by allowing her to spend her holidays with you as if everything is normal. She chose to live this way and needs to suffer the consequences. You will not be doing her a favour by enabling her not to take responsibility for her actions.

Well I kept to my word and didn't have her over for Thanksgiving... I feel good about that but really feel like crap about the whole day. I missed her the whole time. I need to find something to take up the free time that I now have... My daughter is staying with my mother until sunday night as family will be there through the weekend, only problem with it is I have nothing to do and all kinds of time alone to do it in... Starting to feel a little better about my self though...

Billy H as long as your WW is continuing her A with OM you have no marriage. In fact, there can be no marital recovery until she stops all contact with OM and willingly committs to a plan of marital recovery a la MB methodology.

You have some very serious thinking to do about what kind of future you want with a woman who is going to have a child from another man who may be in both of your lives for decades to come. Can you handle the prospect of your WW having contact with him because of their child? Can you handle the prospect of having that child become attached to you and then torn from you and his/her sister if you WW dies and his/her father wants to take him/her away? Your love for your WW may not be enough to deal with these issues.

Those are the kind of things I'm having trouble figuring out... I like to think I could deal with the contact that WW would have with OM if I was involved in the contact that they had. I know I would love the child even though it's not mine though conception. The problems I have is in the effect it would have on our daughter. She is my #1 concern. I know my WW is confussed and I am letting her find her way on her own the best I can, but it's starting to effect our daughter and myself. The hard part is she's all I have ever loved... The kind of love I have for her is the same I have for my daughter... her actions have little to change the way I feel about her, I have never even considered something like this could happen. I understand the LB's that I have done through the years and have changed most of them. I don't feel any healing going on... I still need her the same as I did 10yrs ago when we first met. I told my best friend at the time that she was "The One" (I never talked about anyone this way)when I first laid eye's on her there was just a kind of magic about her and there still is... I know that I should heal in time but I don't see it.... I feel like I'm the one lost in the FOG...

I know I have to be strong for my daughter but I'm not sure how to be... everything I've done in the last ten years has been for WW and daughter. I moved to her hometown after our daughter was born. I gave up all of my friends to spend time with her, my support group is this message board and her mom... Her family is in contact with me every day and want me to be part of their lives. I'm so lost and the time of year isn't helping....

Billy H.

Your feelings are totally natural and you seem to have conquered your anger (good deal, it's very self destructive in the long run), but your WW's continued contact with OM and you fulfilling some of her EN's is helping to sustain the A. Her going to live with OM will not necessarily make her taste reality without you (only a full blown plan B will do that) but she'll begin to see more of the real OM in his home environment and not the public relations OM she's grown to love. Hopefully, he'll be ignorant in how to sustain a relationship, start to love bust her and his account in her love bank will eventually reach zero.

There are no guarantees that following all the great advice in the world will save your M, but if you always keep this in mind, and brace yourself the best you can for your M potential demise, then you can ride the rollercoaster without much emotional toll in your heart, and with enough love units in your love bank for a possible marital recovery in the future.

Feelings are like children, mostly oblivious to the realities and their consequences around them, and reason is the parent guarding you from their sometimes wreckless behavior and keeping you focused on your goals. Which of the two are you going to follow?

<small>[ December 06, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Billy H ]</small>