This is the first time posting. I need some help from you guys! Me and my husband met at the age of 17 and I just KNEW he was the ONE. We married at age 21. We have been married for 14 years and have 3 beautiful children. Back a few years ago I had an affair with his best friend behind his back. The OM wife was my best friend. We where always together it was like we leaned on each other for everything. Not a day went by that we didn't see our friends. I felt horrible about my affair but as most of us think noone will ever find out. I just felt like I was in love with two men. I loved my husband dearly but also enjoyed the "fantasy" world of the OM. It was the excitement that made me feel good about myself. The OM s wife found an email from me to the OM. And from that day on we haven't spoken. My H was furious and asked me about it of course just like everyone else I denied it. My H spoke with me for just about a day. And we really havent spoke of it since. I thought he is a wonderful man to give me the benefit of the doubt. This was 3 years ago. Since then things were a little hectic in our lives and I've been stressed out with our children because my husband was ALWAYS the type to work all types of jobs and hardly ever be home. I almost felt #2 or 3 but it was normal for me. He worked most holidays. But I was very supportive for him. Just this past August I found out he's been having an affair himself. I WAS DEVESTATED!! At first he said they were just friends. But the cell phone bills told me a whole different story! I kept after him until he FINALLY admitted they were sleeping together. It was going on for about 1 year. I made counceling appts. for us. He had always agread to go he was sorry & wanted to work it out. While we were in counceling I got the feeling that he just wasn't able to spend more time at home and really "TRY" yet. All was good for a couple of weeks and then he told me I was agravating him by asking about things. So he chose to move out. He had to"clear" his head. I was very upset by this I felt we needed to deal with this together. I was willing to forgive him because I too made mistakes. Everyone makes them I read book on top of book, websites anything I could get my hands on for help. I thought getting down to the real problems, fixing them and overcoming them would allow us to grow stronger & closer. I still knew he was the one for me. Marriage is about commitment, plans for the future and learning to accept each other for who they are. I wanted to continue to work on it and made it well known. I felt I was the one doing ALL THE CHANGING. He was doing nothing!! He just abandoned us by moving out. Shortly after that he admitted to me that he's IN LOVE with her. He loves me but not "In Love" with me. I knew it was the withdrawal. He swore it was OVER. But I found her # on my caller ID when I wasn't home. So they had still been seeing each other. I was heartbroken!! I told him I could NEVER trust him again and I wanted him out of the house. I was so upset, hurt, devestated, angry and ever other emotion you can think of. He had NO problem leaving for good. By the way next day found dress clothes in MY washroom - HE HAD BEEN OUT TO DINNER WITH HER!!! So he couldn't be "too upset" I asked him to leave. So now he told me straight to my face he thought he wanted to work it out and he did try but he now wants a divorce. Myself & the kids are devestated. My emotions are all over the place I'm good one day not so good the next. Been on Paxil to help me get thru this but not doing well. They work together and the thought of them being together sickens me. I need some help I am desperate. I know I should just get the divorce because after deliberately choosing his lover over me & his 3 kids just proves to me I can NEVER trust him again. But how do I go on????? He has been using me as a scapegoat because "I did it first" but I KNEW what was important to me (my family & him) I knew my affair was JUST THAT an affair (infatuation) & I begged my H not to leave when he suspected mine. HELP HELP I don't know how long I can put on the strong front of being brave but also knowing Daddy wont be coming home.

HBrokeMyHeart

You have reached a site where you will get a lot of support and help from people in a similar situation to your own. Keep reading the articles on this site and keep posting.
To get a quicker response to your posts try posting on the Just Found Out and General Questions II board.
Read up about Plan A and MB concepts if you haven't already and try to take it one day at a time.
NS

Newsunrise,

Thank you for your reply I will try posting on the Just Found Out section. I am just feeling really horrible about myself and I need all the support I can get.

so, you cheated on your husband, slept with your best friend's man and are now surprised that what you did has come back on you? there's a saying that goes what comes around goes around, and you will reap what you have sown. it's quite possible that your own actions killed the love your husband felt back at the time of your affair, but he's tried to stick around. marriage is not just about commitment, it's about trust and honesty. he may have lost that, and he may never find it again. i think the saddest part of your post is the way that you try to justify your affair by saying that you knew what was really important, meaning your family. it seems like maybe you still haven't accepted the damage you yourself have done to this marriage. your only hope would be to take responsibility for your actions, with no excuses or comparisons about how much worse his affair was, and throw yourself on his mercy. maybe if you can prove that your truly sorry, he'll be willing to at least try to save this relationship. i'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it just seems like your minimizing the damage you caused and brushing it under the rug. if you only talked about it once, then chances are he tried to forget but never to forgive.

kristawny
Surely you are not trying to say it is OK to have an A if your WS has had one. I would have thought that most people who have been a BS would have severe problems with becoming a WS.
Two wrongs never make a right. HBMH admits she felt horrible about the A. MBers is about improving yourself as a person as much as anything else. Revenge does not improve you as a person. In the long run it makes you feel worse.
NS

in no way am i saying that two wrongs make a right! what i am saying is that a continued wrong makes it much easier for the bs to seperate from the ws. they never dealt with what she did! this wound to the marriage never healed, it became infected. it's quite possible that he never forgave her, in which case he should have left her before getting involved with another woman. but the fact is that although she says she's sorry for her affair, she's still justifying it by saying it wasn't as bad as his! that attitude may be may have made it easier for him to seperate himself emotionally from her. as i said, that which you do comes back to you times ten. what he's done is wrong, wrong, wrong!

What is being said here. Is HBMH saying that she had an A was sorry, spent 1 day talking about it and then as her H never brought it up thought he had put it behind him? She would have been in a a fog at the time and probably not realised that you can't do that. They did not find MB 3 years ago to know how to successfully deal with the A.

yep, that's my point! this was never dealt with, so it only made it easier for hubby to disconnect emotionally.

kristawny,

Thank you for your honest replies. I do realize the damage I've done to my marriage. I have tried with everything I have to explain exactly how sorry I am for what I've done. I have done nothing but apolagize and beg for forgiveness but as I'm seeing now it's just too late. Because we never dealt with it when it happened. I didn't know how hurt he was - I thought he believed me back then (he's the non-confronting type). Which I found out in marriage counceling. I don't know what else to do!

oh hbmh! thank you for not taking my reply as insult, because it was never meant to be such! i do believe your sorry, and i feel your pain so strongly! like your husband, i too am non confrontational, and tend to hold a grudge without telling. it's wrong and silly, but human. after catching the man i married with another woman, i too acted like all was well, only to use it as reason to make out with guy i met at club. luckily, we were able to work it out and have been happy together for 14 years. i wish i could tell you how to fix this, i hate knowing there's nothing i can tell you! have you talked to him lately, and thrown yourself on his mercy? it sounds like you have, so i guess that's silly question. i truly wish i could help you make him listen! it's so obvious from your last post that you are truly sorry, and i apoligize if i came off as judgemental because i believe i was wrong about your character. if i can help in anyway to make up for my harshness, let me know. and i'll pray for you and him as well! blessed be!

kristawny,

Please dont think you've insulted me. I appreciate your openness & honesty. It forces me to take a look at my situation from another view (which sometimes we all need). It's just like when someone's in an A and their in "the fog" they just can't see anything else. I feel right now that I'm the "betrayed" because the things that are going on RIGHT NOW are hurting me BUT I realize through your posting and my own thoughts that I at the same time am the BETRAYER also. That's why in counceling (when H said he wanted to try) I was ignoring his whole A and never spoke of it. Just helped him deal with his issues of my A. That's what I meant by "I was doing ALL the changes". But I believe that didnt' work then because he was "in love" & withdrawal from OW. I truly still believe that once their A ends we would have a chance to heal out marriage. But until then - all my efforts are useless.