I am in a Plan B situation after last session with SH.

Since I have some time before my next session, I was wondering what people's thoughts were on what to tell children.

I've left it up to my spouse so far, and so far the story is "trips". But that will only work for about one week until visitation issues are worked out.

Sure it has the advantage of protecting the children from the stress of the truth, but it also isn't the truth. It also has an enabling effect for the A.

Any one's thoughts on this? We're talking 1st and 3rd graders who probably do not suspect A or possibility of D.

<small>[ November 30, 2002, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hi Est,

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and now even the children are involved. My son was 6 when all this started and he just turned 8. I did keep him informed. He had to know, his dad moved out 1 month after d/d.

My son told me that he preferred to know the truth (not all the details). I reassured him of my love and his dad had to do the same. To this day my little one prays for his dad to return to God. He has come home but he still has not repaired his relationship with God.

My son at years old wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad that really touched his heart. But it was not enough to make him leave the OW. Not at that time. Even now when my son asks questions, I direct him to his dad for answers. Our son soon realized who really had his interests at heart and told his dad so.

It is not wrong to be honest with your children. IMHO, I believe it is wrong to shelter them from the truth. My son is the one who tells me so. He says that when the children talk, they say they prefer to have their parents tell them the truth. What insight!

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Let your children know you love them and will always be there to hear their thoughts and answer their questions. However, some of their questions will need guidance and you may not have all the answers but you will have the guidance. Reassurance is a big need right now.

They can also be your supporters. You'd be surprised what those little ones can do.

take care,
L.

Thanks so much for your reply, Orchid.

I understand that reassurance and honesty are very important for the children. I can easily do that with regard to my love and commitment for them.

But where do I find the balance with regard to our family? When asked why S does not spend as much time at home anymore, do I go along with some plausible story? Just refer to S?

When your son was informed, did that include disintegration of marriage? OP? Unwillingness of WS to choose family over OP? Or was it just "mommy and daddy are having adult problems"? I can't seem to imagine a balance between their right to know, and the immediate stressing out their lives.

On one hand, divorce will traumatize them, so it may help to know earlier that there are issues. On the other hand, if we reconcile, knowing too much makes it all harder for them.

A terrible irony of my situation is that I just had a talk to my 8 year old son about internet porn and how it was important to be open, honest, and loving. Obviously, an 8 year old doing some curious searches because of pop ups is a bit less addictive than a full-blown A, but then adults are supposed to be more mature.

Thank goodness I have a session tomorrow. This issue is running me around in circles. At least it's little less painful than thinking about the actual relationship.