Thank you for the feedback. I'm going to have to sit back and be patient which is easier said than done. My H has never not wanted to talk and completely shut me out like this, so I really feel that the end is near. I have told him everything that happened over and over; why it happened and what was going on with us to lead to the breakdown. My H takes responsiblity for his part and I more than accept the responsibility of my actions. I believe we spent too much time trying too counsel ourselves, playing both mediator, therapist and patient. We didn't involve family or friends and tried to work through it. I took too long to attempt to coordinate the meeting thinking I could talk my H out of the request and he lost all patience with me and said forget it. We were on the right road but hit a major brick wall and it wasn't until he left did I take his request to heart....too late.

Hi, I am only new here but this thread grabbed my attention a few weeks ago. I have been away for a bit over the xmas break but still wanted to respond.

After I found out about my husbands affair, it was my first rational request of him that I speak with this other woman. My own reasons behind wanting to meet with her, were to look her straight into her eyes and tell her just as I told my husband , that she had no right to overstep the boundries of our marriage. That she had no right to do this to her husband. That collectively the pair of them had changed forever the lives of those that had loved them by acting so selfishly.

I already knew what she looked like, I already knew she was as dishonest as my husband had been, I already knew she was not a pleasant person.

I never got to look into her eyes, she was much the coward and would not meet ( in a public place as our MC had suggested) I did however set up a phonecall via her husband... I got to say what I wanted to say. He got to say to my husband what he wanted to say, he was lucky enough to get an apology from my husband. All in all I was calm , collected and spoke my words in a fair yet stern manner. The phone was on speaker, she responded back with such bitterness, she did my marriage the biggest favour.. ( I was certainly right that she wasnt a pleasant woman).

I spoke again with her husband on the phone and we agreed no more contact between the pair of us. I was however still left with her bitter response ( MC had warned about this ), I released them by externalising them in a form of a letter, maybe you could suggest this to your husband. It helped a lot.Though I never did send it.

I will say that when I first requested a meeting with this OW , my husband flatly refused and became angry, it sent my mind into overdive, basically , what was he hiding? ( it was later revealed the lengh of the affair) Perhaps your husband is in the same line of thinking I was.

I have come to understand of late that we all have differing personalities, your husband sounds a lot like me. I like to face my demons head on. I cant just throw them in a box in a mixama-muddled manner.They have to be neatly placed, in order for me to deal with them, for it to make sense to me.

Think of it I guess like a cook can throw a heap of ingredients together and come out with a great meal. Get a scientist to throw in the same heap of ingrediants together and his process will be different.All has tobe weighed and measured, all possible outcomes accounted for.The outcomes in
the end of the cook and the scientist are exactly the same. Hopefully a great meal!.... I hope that makes sense it does to me!!

Either ways I wish you luck.

As the BS, I have the same deep need to meet the OW... I'm honestly not sure why, part of it is pure curiosity, what did she have that I dont. Part of it is to see how my H and the OW interact with each other to assure my self the A has ended.

I am beginning to see how the meeting could help. And I would glady arrange it if I could get my H back to a space where at least we could talk about it. There's so much we both did to cause this situation. Now I'm in a place where I can't get the OM to budge in anyway. I want to rid myself of any future contact with the OM, but because my H has made this request and I want the marriage to get to the healing stage I keep contacting the OM hoping he'll change his mind. I finally had a conversation with my H today and he said flat out now he doesn't care if I set it up or not, it's over! I'm not handling this shut down and shut out well at all. I have been reading books, praying and hoping for just one sentence that will bring him out of withdrawl and interested in recovery. How do you know when it's actually over? I could tell that he was listening when I spoke. I could feel the pain that he's in. We need outside help. It's like trying to perform heart surgery on yourself. It can't be done. I thought about contacting one of his friends to seek advice. Help me out there...I'm drowning!

Hi there,
I wanted to meet the OM as well, as with yours, the OM would not do that. I settled for a phonecall.

It really can help, but it also really depends a lot on the emotional state and temperment of both your H and the OM. Also of course the current state of your M recovery....

If your H would like to discuss it with someone who has gone through the same thing, you are welcome to pass on my e-mail, or I can mail him if you think it would be useful.
aluy902@yahoo.com

Keep yourself focused on the M, if your H is going through the same phase as I did at that time, he probably still is on "high alert" as far as triggers and warning signs go. Watch that you dont give the impression that you are trying to prevent this meeting for the sake of the OM and to keep your A as something between you and him.

The A is still something that you had in private, as is the image and meeting of the OM himself. Willingness for you to let him meet the OM can show willingness to be completele open about everything and to help alleviate SOME of the nagging feelings that you are still hiding something or treasuring the private nature of the A.

Anyhow, that is only my opinion and I am far from an expert. I hope that helps a bit!

-Alex

Are you in councelling? If not already perhaps it would show your husband you are making a concerted effort towards a reconcillation. I made a number of demands before I came home and the first being councelling for us both but also for him alone to deal with his issues that led to the affair.
I would also be careful with continuing unwanted contact with OM. Again I am going to suggest a letter, this time from you to OM but pass it onto your husband instead, explaining the need for your husband to speak with him. If he wishes to post then its up to him. He would then know it will be the OM decision not to agree to a meeting if he sent it.

Show him you are completey willing to do this for him. May I also suggest, within this letter you place some very honest comments, firstly acknowledging that what you did was wrong and that you want to make an effort to save your marriage, but for your husband to help find his closure he requires to meet with him...make sure the proposed meeting is in a public place, or suggest a phonecall.

If I was in your husbands situation, I would want to read that letter, to read the acknowledgment. I know it would help me. Thats about all I can offer. I hope it helps in some way.
Take care.

The letter to the OM is a good idea. I was thinking I would write the letter, address it and send it to my H to read. It will be up to my H to put it in the mail. I think it would be helpful for him to seal it and drop it in the mail. I'm sure we won't get a response from the OM, but I will suggest that my H call him. He's had the OM's number for quite sometime anyway. This might be a solution and it's definitely worth a try. I'm already seeking counseling for myself because what has happened is totally out of character for me and I'm really not liking myself very much right now.

Thanks for the suggestion.

I agree with Snowbelle. But I would say the following to your H.

The affair is over, I am committed to no contact with the OM. I never want to see or speak to him again. I have made a solemn vow to this.

Please think about what you hope to gain from meeting with OM. I pledge to be honest and open with you and answer any questions about the A. I also pledge to commit myself heart and soul to working on our marriage and recovering from the A. If you need to meet with Om, here is his name and phone number. Please arrange the meeting yourself, I will not break no contact.

Dinotopia's idea of the letter is also good. i would make the letter a no contact letter- regretting affair, saying it was wrong, stating no contact. Then tell him of H's wish to meet him for closure and ask him to contact H directly. And as Dino says, hand letter to H, and let H take care of mailing it.