I have posted in the past, but now I just don't know where to turn. My H had A with co-worker ayear ago. He confessed in April, although, I knew it was going on. He didn't really do a lot to hide it. (I found her shorts in his luggae once) Obviously, we had some problems and I hurt him earlier in our relationship, although I never cheated on him and my sins against him did not involve another person, it was just me not understanding what he needed from me. I was pregnant while the A was going on and I am having a hard time forgiving him for that. We have made great strides, and this CHristmas is much better than last years, but I can't shake her. EVERY morning I fight with the thought of HER. She still works with my H and he will not leave his job. They work closely together and she isn't going anywhere. She was married when the A began, and is now divorced. My H told me that she told him she loved him, he says that he did/does not love her, but I find that hard to believe. A co-worker of theirs died recently and he came home to tell me how upset OW was about the death. All I can see in my mind is him comforting her as she was SOO upset. I can't talk to him about it because he is still too defensive and won't talk to me without being sarcastic. How do I implement Plan A when it is impossible? He says it is over, and that whatever my problems with her are my problems and he is not going to give up a good job just because I am insecure. What do I do? We have four children and I can't find the courage to ask him to leave, but it is getting harder, not easier to deal with the OW seeing him everyday. I want to confront her, but he has forbidden me to talk to her. Any suggestions on how what to do when Plan A isn't even an option.

Thanks...

Dear want2heal:

It sounds like your H is still protecting the OW and may still be in the fog, even though the A may be over.

A confrontation between you and the OW may not be very satisfying. I think your H is in a bad position to be making demands of you, but you should ask yourself what you hope to accomplish in the confrontation and evaluate the probability that it would make you feel any better.

It seems like your H isn't really willing yet to do what it takes to start the recovery. NC between H and OW is a must, IMO. The fact that they are co-workers makes that very difficult, of course. I would suggest you make an appointment with one of the Harleys to start counseling. I think they will give you some good advice about this. If at all possible, get your H to agree to counseling as well.

I also don't understand why plan A isn't an option?

I am not sure that I think meeting her would be satisfying as much as since she is there with him at work all day and she knows who I am, I would just like to know who she is! I am not looking for a fight, I just want her to have to look me in the face. I had questions about how to implement plan A when it states that there be no contact with OW, and that just isn't going to happen. H refuses counseling, he says that if I need to go, that is fine. There is no need for him to go (in his opinion) and I am just stuck. I want to trust him, but I have such a hard time knowing whether or not she is telling him that she misses him, still wants to be with him, etc. I hate being insecure and worried about her all the time, I feel like that is giving her all the "power" and I don't know how to get it back. I really just want to know how to get her to go away...or how to move on!

Thanks

bump

what does bump mean????

Hi want2heal, sorry you're here...

a "bump" brings the thread back to the top so that more people will see it and hopefully respond

W2h,

What type of counseling or reading have you done to help you? Some healing does come from within and other parts of our healing comes with support from one's spouse, family, friends, personal convictions,etc.

Have you taken the EN questionnaire yet? Take it and leave it out to see if your H will read it. Don't push him, just see if it peaks his curiousity.

Try phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer. Steve is great. My H didn't want to talk with Steve but guess who spent 50 out of the 60 minutes with him?!?!? I had the intro, conclusion and about 2 minutes inbetween. LOL!!

Also see if you can visit the doctor....you just had a baby and there may be some contributing factors there also.

Closure is important. You need to identify your boundaries and enforce them.

take care,
L.

W2H,
Sorry you are at this place in your life. It is very hard. I agree if at all possible counsel with the Harley's. They can give you insight that we amateur's can't.

I think your H is still fogged, even though A is not still going on he is still protective of her and that is "FOG FOG FOG". My H was very protective of OW until she LBed herself to death and he finally saw her for the manipulating ***** that she is. I called her once and confronted her, told her unless she loved him enough to be a mother to teenagers, take care of his dieing grandmother and
be a new grandmother to leave him the HELL alone. It made him so mad at me, but I was honest with him and told him I did it.

Plan A I think is what you need to do. Plan A is designed IMO to bring H to NC with OW. I understand the work situation, my H doesn't work with OW but she is friends with alot of our friend and is always in our social cirle. I do however think if you implement a good Plan A your H can make some changes at the office to help with the situation. Read everything here, have you read the book Lovebusters and Surviving an Affair? They will help you alot. Plan A is about you making changes to YOU to be a better person and spouse. Meet his needs all that you can and make no withdrawals. Concentrate on his top 5 needs. Make your self an attractive safe place for him. It takes time so be patient. He will have to see that changes are constistant.

You are right you give her too much power. I did the same thing. For some reason yesterday was the worst day I have had in a long time. I was alone, H was working and my D's were at their sisters house. I just could stop thinking of them dancing etc. So I got up got the house really clean, looked great when H came in and really worked to have a romantic evening with him. It didn't take long of my H treating me special to get the thoughts of her out of my head. When those thougths come, force your self to focus on something else. Take the power away from her.

Another thing I think we are both guily of is borrowing trouble. Don't assume anything. Don't assume how he comforted OW about the death. I would let my imagination run away with me all the time and it was always worse than reality.

It's hard with a house full of kiddo's but try to bring the romance back to your marriage. Do fun little things that make him feel special, sexy, wanted and needed. Send him flirty ecards, let him know he's #1. Men have a huge need for admiration. We have 4 girls so I know how hard it is. It was part of our problems, I was a mom first, wife second. He didn't feel needed, or appreciated. So when OW gave him the littlest bit of attention he was hooked.

Well this is long, hope it helps. It can work. My H and I have had more problems that you can imagine and we are happier now than we have ever been. Don't give up. You might look on the EN board too, I got alot of help there.

le

ok..now what?? I found a receipt for gifts that I did not receive at Christmas. What do I do? DO I go to the store and ask what they are and confront him, or do I let it go? I wasn't snooping, I was looking for $$ and it was there. What now?? I am so freaked out because I was sure it was over. I am afraid to find out that it isn't.

Thank you.

Oh, geez. I was reading this whole thread and thinking, "he might still be banging OW" and then this comes up. YES! Find out what he bought. If it was lacy underwear he can't claim he gave that to his male boss!

I am sorry you are in this situation. I hope 2003 will be a year of true peace and happiness in your home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by want2heal:
<strong>ok..now what?? I found a receipt for gifts that I did not receive at Christmas. What do I do? DO I go to the store and ask what they are and confront him, or do I let it go? I wasn't snooping, I was looking for $$ and it was there. What now?? I am so freaked out because I was sure it was over. I am afraid to find out that it isn't.

Thank you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my 2¢. I am rather killed and knowing who pull the trigger than shot behind my back. I really sugest you to ask him ... not confront him. Tell him the fact and don't accuse him at all. Let him know that you found the receipt and what is this for ? ... stop there and let him explain. If he gets mad, you know that you are not in recovery. You tell him that you will follow through to check it with the store.

-rh-

I don't know how to confront him. I am too afriad of the answer. I just don't think I can take anymore right now. I have been holding on to the fact that he has said it is over, and if I find out that it isn't, I just don't know what to do. I have four kids, and this will be my second marriage failure. I do love him. And I do want this to be what we wanted it to be, but I can't get rid of her....

Paige

W2H.

I just read your post after you responded to mine... I know what your going through!!! I just didn't realize how similar our situations were until reading your post.

I can't offer any suggestions, because I don't know what to do in my own situation... But if you want to get together and talk, just let me know.

The great thing is that we found the site! I'm starting to feel a little sane again, knowing I'm not in it by myself. I've also just purchased some books about recovery gaining trust back etc... I'll let you know if they help.

We can get through this!!!! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.