Unbeknownst to me, I've been executing Plan A for the past four years with mixed results. WH has come out of his fog enough to realize how hurtful his A's were and pledged to bring them to a stop. We've reached a standstill though. He is dragging his feet on the NC agreement and has been back in contact with his latest OW of 3 years. OW went out of her way to try to get WH to talk to her and grabbed him on the arm when he wouldn't warm up to her. He pulled his arm away, but did not follow our agreement to tell OW that he didn't want anything to do with her anymore because he didn't want to be "a jerk" to her. To his credit, WH called me immediately and told me about having had contact with her.

I feel as though he has grown too comfortable with being able to have his cake and eat it too. I felt that his behavior with her yesterday was a blow that I could not handle. It is clear to me that he still wants to keep a positive balance in her love bank account.

Given our circumstances with having a disabled daughter to raise and Christmas right around the corner, WH and I agreed to a modified Plan B where he would remain in the home, but that all contact between us would cease until all the issues were addressed and dealt with fully before we decided whether or not to rebuild.

I don't know how this is going to work though. He also agreed that if this modified Plan B doesn't work out that he would move out after the holidays. I explained to him that I was not doing this to punish him, but that it was the only way that I could protect myself from getting hurt any more than I already have. I told him that it is difficult to try to rebuild our marriage when we still haven't cleared away all of the old rubble yet and are still having new rubble (OW) piled on top of everything.

WH told me that he understood and said that he really messed up yesterday. He said he called me because seeing her out of the blue really left him scrambled. He asked me if I still loved him and I told him that I still do at this point, but that I knew I didn't have much more left in me to keep beating my head against the same wall.

So I guess I am just going to sit back and see what happens. I don't how this is going to work out. We've laid some ground rules for the modified Plan B which basically follow along the same lines as living with a roomate. Polite and curtious, but no affection or physical contact until/if ever we can agree that we are ready to move into recovery.

We agreed that this will take some time, but we both know that it can't continue the way it was. It is incredible the amount of stress I feel has been taken off of my shoulders. I've been able to joke around and play with the kids today. I even got a comment today from one of my children's teachers that I look more relaxed than they have ever seen me.

The feeling is so peaceful inside. I know that whether or not we stay together, everything is going to be alright. It's almost like I've made my peace with trying to save this marriage and now it is up to him on whether or not he wants to. We sat down and wrote out an agreement on what needs to happen before we can go into recovery. I reminded him that he can decide at any point he doesn't want to be married, but to just let me know so that we can each move on with our lives.

Anyone have any pointers or suggestions? I feel as though I did what I needed to do to protect myself from further heartache and endless giving, but I suppose I still have some doubts and insecurities about this being the best thing to do given the situation.

Great job! You said the most important things. You did this to take care of YOU! I think that based on your challenges with the holidays and children that you have made an excellent decision. Consistency and follow through will be important now. My FWH has had no contact for a month, but has dragged his feet on the NC letters to the OW. I am bothered by that and feel uplifted by your modified Plan B. I might need to try that.

Thanks!

It has been really tough to stay detached. We've spent most of the weekend talking. He followed through on our "coming clean" period and told me the rest of the stuff that he's been hesitating to tell me. He promised me that the next time he saw OW that he would follow through on the NC agreement. He also has a counseling appointment today for his sexual addiction.

It's been strange and something to get use to. It's little things like locking the bathroom door when I take a shower, not changing my clothes in front of him, not letting him hug and kiss me, etc. I told him that I don't know who he is at all and he doesn't know who I am anymore so we can use the space to get to know each other again.

I can only hope that he keeps his word and breaks it off completely with her. If not, that's his choice. I have had to be very careful not to send mixed signals that allow him to have his cake and eat it too. I explained to him that I was in no hurry, but that time did matter. The longer this all drug on, the more it was hurting me and would continue to hurt.

I can't even begin to cope or come to terms with all of the things that have happened during our marraige until it becomes a thing of the past. I'm not even sure that I can. Revenge has crossed my mind more than once, but I have steered clear of any opportunities because I know I am feeling particularly weak.

GMIL has been helping a lot. She's been telling WH about how she knew everything that WGFIL had been up to, how she didn't love WGFIL or care anymore about what he was doing, and how miserable their marriage had been. She told WH that WGFIL finally realized how wrong he had been and spent the last several years of his life trying to make it up to her, but that the damage had already been done.

Her talks with WH has really helped a lot to get him to think about what he wants out of life. Hearing her say how miserable she was shocked him because she never let on. It was like a light bulb went off and he was able to see how miserable I was with all of this. I would have never in a million years guessed that GMIL would help us so greatly by sharing with WH the skeletons in her closet. I always assumed that she thought WH walked on water and could do no wrong regardless of what he did. It really surprised me.

Anyway, our modified Plan B seems to be working. It hinges on following through with the NC agreement. It helps that I have friends where WH works who keep me informed. Actually, they are WH's friends who are really disgusted with him and the way he treats me. I figure that they have their own ulterior motives for keeping me informed and are probably tired of having to compete with him when he's not even suppose to be in the competition.

It helps to have spies that he doesn't know about. It helps me be able to be able to rebuild any kind of trust that what he is telling me is the truth. In his adoption of RH, he has told me stuff that I already knew, but there was some stuff that I did not know. I dread the withdrawal pains as he re-examines and redefines his lifestyle.

It's been such a slow process that I feel myself getting impatient at times. I'm hanging in there though. It hurts to know that he did not come into this marriage with a full committment and he saw his only fault as not being slick enough to pull it all off. With GMIL's help, he's able to see the other side of the coin. Hearing it come from someone other than me (particularly from someone on his side so to speak) has helped him a great deal. Maybe there is no hope that our marriage will be a happy one. Maybe there is. I suppose there is only one way to find out.

This has been a very strange weekend. WH has been respecting my space even though he's been really emotional through it all. He wrote me a note apologizing to me and telling me that when it was all going on, he knew it was wrong but convinced himself that it would all be okay because I would never find out.

WH told me that his male co-workers are starting to be more friendly to him. He says that it took them talking to him again for him to realize that they had even stopped talking to him because he use to be so preoccupied with his female co-workers that he ignored his male co-workers. I think this is something he really needed to help him earn some of his self-respect back. His sexual addiction robbed him of all of it and kept him buried in shame and guilt.

Maybe this week will be the week when WH slams the door on his A and he follows through on the NC agreement. I know the A is over (3 weeks and counting), but the OW isn't happy about it and is trying to keep it going. She hasn't come back around WH since the last incident on the 18th, but I'm not convinced she is gone for good since this particular A has gone on for 3 years.

WH says it is over in his mind and he wants nothing more to do with her. That's well and good, but I need the peace of mind of knowing that she knows it's over. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I do love this feeling of knowing that regardless of what happens that I am going to be okay. I know that I have bent over backwards and done everything within my power to make this marriage work. I'm a good wife and a good mother and I am even a good person. I have a lot to offer in life. Whatever life he chooses (life of sexual addiction or married life or single life without sexual addiction), that's on him. All will be difficult and all have their good points and bad points. I hope I will have good news this week and WH and I can move into recovery, but I'll wait and see.