Hello, everyone,
I'm new to this discussion board. I been reading about Plan A/Plan B, and I find the ideas logical and, hopefully, helpful in the longterm.

Let me briefly summarize my situation: My fiance and I have dated for almost 10 years, and lived together for the past 4 1/2 years. I found out on May 26, 2002 that he was having feelings for his coworker. I was crushed, because we were planning our own wedding (June 2003) and I didn't think such a thing would happen in our relationship. Well, for several weeks I was a wreck and was very suspicious of his every move. I became aware only recently (during Thanksgiving break) that they had sex several times (usually during business trips). It's really hard for me to get over this, even though he's convinced that it's "over." I'm NOT convinced, though, because he still sees her at work every day and they still have lunch together alone.

I've asked him to stop contacting her outside of business-related matters, but he seems unwilling (unable?) to stop seeing her.

I've been employing the tactics used in "Plan A" for several weeks now, but to no avail. He is seeing a counselor about this, and we go as a couple in January (first time together). The counselor, whom he saw today, confirmed my viewpoint that the affair will not end until all contact is ended.

So, how long do I wait? When should plan A become plan B?

I am glad you are going to be seeing a counselor, esp. since you've been together such a short time and already suffered an affair. In your place I know I would be very cautious of taking the relationship further without serious work first.

As to the length of Plan A, there is, I recall, a great discussion of that here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=007757#000000

Good luck!

Kathi

I don't think anyone can tell you how long to do Plan A. He needs to be willing to have No Contact and he is definitely in a major FOG and I don't know that I would trust what he is saying if he is unwilling to write a NC letter in front of you and then maintain it. Personally, I did Plan A for a year and got married in the middle of it. This was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I was faced with the reality of Plan B 7 months into my marriage, that really hurt.

Keep working on you. When you feel the time is right, then you should emotionally prepare yourself to move forward. Plan B is meant to assist you in not feeling the pain that you are in right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by onlyUcan:
[QB]Personally, I did Plan A for a year and got married in the middle of it. [QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This scares me to death, because I'm in the same situation. We haven't called off the wedding because, like you, I love this guy so much. I know that he loves me, too, but it kills me that he refuses to stop behavior that hurts me so much. I give him all the love, care and attention that I can. We talk about things calmly. But when I ask him (gently) to not go to lunch with her, he starts yelling at me and tells me to stop interfering with his life. (!) Even after the counselor told him [today] that the affair would not end if he did not stop seeing her, he called me to say that he can't imagine life without "such a good friend."

If you had the chance to rethink your path, onlyUcan, would you still have married? waited? left?