My WH commented a few weeks ago that I never gave him a Plan B letter when we separated. I had one written, but I thought that since there wasn't an active A going on and we were in constant contact that the letter didn't need to be sent. Besides, I had given him so many letters over the few years we were married to no avail I thought a Plan B letter would also just find it's way in his top drawer with the rest of them.

Should I do a formal Plan B letter even though a divorce is in the works? What would this prove to WH?

Comments please!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Free2BMe...
...I know you've been around a while...
...and like all marriages that don't 'make it'... it is a loss.

As far as a Plan B letter...
...yep... write one!

It's good for closure!

Even if there is no infidelity active...
...you are covering your bases...
...and identifying to the WS what has to be learned by him... before 'normal' communications could ever return.

Happy New Year.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>

Thanks, Jim,

Since WH found this sight I felt it was a slam against me for NOT writing him a letter (like a "you did it all wrong" type thing).

I have written so many "plans" for rebuilding our M and trust that it just seems so trivial now. I just want to move on with my life.

Recently I read in a post where he wrote my Plan A was a good "college try"! What does that mean?

Thank you for popping in with your wonderful guidance!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Free,

I've been thinking about you since I saw that your H was here on MB. I admit I was a bit shocked to see that your H was posting, let alone *what* he was posting. I'm glad you seem to be doing okay, though, and very much understand why you are going through with the D. You did everything you could, and it's not his place to say you 'did it wrong.' And the 'college try' comment was insulting. I think the infidelity is 'doing it wrong' a whole lot more.

I think a letter would be appropriate, but I don't know if I'd call it a Plan B letter unless your desire is still reconciliation. A Plan B letter is a statement of love for the spouse, emphasizes that no contact is necessary to preserve what love is left, and also states that the BS still wants the marriage. Are you still thinking about reconciliation after the divorce, or is the letter to establish to him why you continue to want NC (no contact) after the D?

Martes

At this point, Free, I think you should do whatever will make YOU feel better.

I read your H's stuff, and he sounds so much like my ex - it was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ! I don't know that it will help him to read it, but I think it might provide closure to you, as Jim said.

Nice to "see" you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you, for the responses and affirmation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !

I am glad to see my stbx here and I do think he gives some insightful views. I try not to internalize some that may be directed about "us" and our (?) try at making the marriage work.

I'm just concerned about the long term affects this will have on me in future relationships. I don't think of future relationships in terms of commitment since I know I won't trust a relationship. It can be scary and detrimental I think...

But that's another topic in and of itself for me to explore!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for stopping in to "see" me!

Hi Free - well first, if your H said your plan A was a good college try, that probably means it was a good plan A and he acknowledges that. If it was not a good plan A, he would not even have noticed you trying.

I might also have a final "conference" with my wife after a year of plan B, and as we finalize our divorce. She does have a plan B letter from me, but I don't think she paid much attention to it. Actually I made the first call, sort of a last-chance/are-you-sure type of thing. She seems interested not in reconciling, but in "clarifying" things so that we can better move on. I don't know what she means, but would probably listen to what she says.

Yes, write a letter even if it's not really a plan b letter. Depending on how it turns out, you don't have to send it. If you are sure of getting divorced, then whatever helps with your "closure" is good for you.

- Tom

Hi, Tom,

Thanks for the response!

It has been the weekend from h*ll for me here in the Northeast. We had almost 30 inches of snow Christmas day and then got another 15-20 Friday. Needless to say I found a leak in son's room and had to shovel the snow off the roof yesterday then dig the car out of the drive way again. Once that was done near the end of the day I discovered my hot water tank is not working (and I needed a hot shower). It's practically brand new. So here it is day 2 with no hot water and I'm about miserable. Then the cat puked all over the livingroom (the only reason I hate having a pet).

Anyway... tomorrow is a new day (and hopefully with a phone call or two I'll have hot water)!

I may start working on a letter... not sure what difference it will make. I don't really have the time with home ownership driving me nuts, kids and working on my B.S.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope you had a better weekend!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>